Predatory Women?

gagsMostly, If a man sees a good-looking woman on the arm of his friend he kinda thinks “wow, she’s hot, he’s lucky – I’m going to get myself one just like her”.  However when a woman sees a good-looking man on the arms of her friend she kinda thinks “wow, she’s lucky, he’s hot, I’m going to have him!”  Chris Rock

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!

An element of truth?   Preposterous?  Well, I think there is a laughingseed of truth in a lot of what Chris Rock says using comedy.   I know that a few years ago I would probably have dismissed any underlying truth in this gag but that was before my world turned topsy-turvy and before my husband met Pig Shit.  Before I realised how many women are having sex with men who have wives at home.  I know, I know, if my husband had kept his dick in his pants she would have not had a chance; BUT, opportunity and ease of access MUST have some part to play surely. And, if a woman is preying on married men I am happy to state that I think that this is WRONG. It’s wonderful how experience can open your eyes to the delusions that are all around you.

wineLast Sunday my husband and I went to a lovely Italian restaurant for lunch.  It was sunny and hot (rare in England) and we were sitting at the far side of the bar waiting for a table.  Whilst sharing a bottle of ice-cold white wine I noticed an attractive woman entering and I observed her looking at my husband.  She was with a man (maybe her husband) and I saw her make a bee line over to our side of the bar and stand right next to husband.  A little smile and then she was looking ahead.  Because my husband and I are now very in tune with anything like this, I whisper in his ear what had happened.  He had not even really noticed her and was surprised that I would think that she was making a bee line for him.  HOWEVER, about ten, fifteen minutes later she had positioned herself as close as possible to him without actually leaning on him and she has her back directly to backhim. Then, she slowly runs her hands through her hair and lifts it up so that her neck and back are bare. It was sooo obvious that it was for my husband’s benefit we actually fell about laughing.  From one perspective this means nothing at all, maybe a playful act, just a flirt that makes her happy but from another perspective it stinks! Had I not felt as good as I did about myself her behaviour at that moment would have had a negative effect on me.  Certainly not a ‘sisterly’ action.

I remember from years ago comments made by a wife of a famous TV celebrity.  She said that one of the most difficult circumstances of being married to a famous man was the way in which women would just march up to her husband, whilst she was on his arm, and offer themselves, blatantly to him!  How gross.  How insensitive of these women!  I am sorry but not very surprised to note their divorce after many years of marriage.

As the betrayed spouse, and like so many other women who are trying to overcome their marital infidelity, I do try to remain sensible about why and how it happened and have felt compelled sad(not sure why) to feel sorry for Pig Shit.  You know, poor pig, low self-esteem, desperate, lonely. However, the more time goes by and the more I hear about other tales of betrayal I am losing any limited compassion that I might have had for her.   She wanted my husband.  She didn’t love him, this has become glaringly obvious.  She just wanted a man and my husband popped up on her radar.  She had already been a married man’s booty for three years previously.  So Pig Shit is a serial OW.  Ready to swoop when the prey is ready!

When Bill Clinton was asked why he did what he did with Monica Lewinsky he said it was because he could!

I’m a woman and a proud one too but there are women who make me feel ashamed to be the same sex as them.  Here’s to all the brave betrayed spouses who are behaving with dignity and grace.  Proud to be amongst you.

Image Credits: Gags Key Shows Humor Laughs Or Comedy by Stuart Miles; Surprised Young Girls Laughing Out Loud & Smiling Nude Woman Looking Away by  stockimages; Wine Glasses by Graeme Weatherston; Worried Young Woman On Bed by David Castillo Dominici; All courtesy of freedigitalimages.net

 

 

12 thoughts on “Predatory Women?

  1. exercisegrace

    Sadly we live in a society that promotes self-indulgence and an attitude of complete entitlement. At anybody’s expense. Having said that, I DO believe there are predatory women out there. My husband’s whore ( a colleague and “friend”) fully admitted she pursued him long before he ever realized what her intentions were. He was not her first married man and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if she has found another one by now. She definitely did not fall into the category of “I didn’t see this coming, we were friends and developed feelings, we shouldn’t be doing this” etc. She made a conscious decision to go after him and she took advantage of her inside knowledge of our life to sow seeds of discontent and further her cause. There was a period of time when she was supposedly my friend as well. The main reason I first suspected SHE had feelings (never thought he would entertain an affair) was the fact she always seemed to be pumping me for information and trying to bait me into complaining about him…(it must really irritate you when he works so many hours….that must be hard to put up with, etc). And don’t read this wrong, I place the majority of blame on HIM. It was his responsibility to keep good boundaries, not share too much personal information with an opposite sex friend, and above all honor his vows to me and our family. But she is a complete disgrace. Not only to women, but to humanity.

    Reply
    1. marriagerecovery Post author

      Thanks for another considered response. I couldn’t agree more with your view of society and feel strongly that there needs to be a pendulum shift towards developing personal responsibility rather than expecting personal rights. This is no rocket science and increasingly I realise that I am asking for the most simplest human acts. Kindness, respect and good manners! Sometimes we have to make tough choices. Sometimes its between what we want and what is right. The problem is when someone thinks that it’s their right to have anything they want. Then choices made will often be at the expense of another’s rights.

      You have a clear experience of female predatory behaviour. What a disgraceful series of events. What stories could she have possibly told herself to make her actions ‘right’. There is no moral compass here. What has shocked me even more as I have discovered is that women will do this even when they have previously been betrayed by spouses themselves!!!!!!! What twisted thinking motivates this awful behaviour?

      Reply
  2. SadLady

    I don’t think my husband’s OW was consciously predatory. But I think most women, are acculturated to feel good about themselves when a man pays her attention–or rather when she can get a man to pay her attention. My husbands affair partner had a history of this. She cheated on her first husband with current husband. Many people who know her point out how obviously self conscious and self centered she is. Then a month after my H ended the affair, she already had a new man–while still married to 2nd husband. She clearly needs men and love to feel good about herself. I know that there are actively predatory women out there but most of the time, these women are just so sad and pathetic that they can’t help themselves. It is all part of the same psychology.
    My H also recognizes that the kind of attention she paid to him made him feel good when he was feeling sad and pathetic (having just turned 40).
    Sad and pathetic + immature/thrill seeking personalities (x2) = affair
    Luckily my H is now willing to see this part of himself. But serial cheaters and OWs are too cowardly to recognize this truth.

    Reply
    1. marriagerecovery Post author

      Interesting observations. I do see what you mean and maybe it’s not consciously predatory women per se, maybe the observed actions are just a behavioural manifestation of desperation. It’s all part of the perfect storm – deflated male ego feeing sorry for himself, inadequate, and feeling a lack of love and attention meets desperate female ego willing to perform like a circus monkey to obtain male attention because without it she doesn’t feel worthy.

      A man I know once told me a story about his secretary. He said that she provided him with BJs in the office. He was married at the time and considered this to be not real sex (aka Clinton). She apparently was an educated and respected woman but she was willing to provide this and enjoyed it! He never took her for dinner or a date of any kind. He said that they would cuddle quite a bit before and afterwards. I didn’t believe him at the time and laughed because I thought that no woman would do this. Now I think it was true. How sad.

      Also, I wonder if men are more deterred from chasing married women in some instances because they fear the potential physical repercussions. They might get their head punched in by the husband. I must say I did feel like punching Pig Shit in the face when I found out. Didn’t act on it I’m pleased to say.

      Reply
  3. Iris

    I must admit I laughed out loud at the performing circus monkey, it’s the deadpan delivery.

    Do you know about the study of ‘mate-poaching’? https://lirias.kuleuven.be/bitstream/123456789/386403/1/Schmitt+et+al+2004b.pdf
    What do you think?

    In my experience (and without a large sample size) a single man may pursue married women because he doesn’t want a commitment to a romantic partner. It may be the case that some women want only ‘strings free sex’ with married men, but you’d have to be an idiot to think that such a thing exists at mid-life, especially when to indulge in it (even when single yourself) you’re sucker-punching another woman who can’t even duck because she doesn’t know you’re there. At least if you did punch your OW (ill-advised, partly because violence is not an answer and illegal and partly because unless you’re good at it you’d probably miss) she’d be able to look you in the face. Unless it’s midnight and you’re some kind of ninja.

    I suspect in most cases the game however it starts becomes more serious; it’s about gaining or winning something even if you don’t want it when you get it. And OW are cheating too – it’s easy to ride high when the ‘competition’ isn’t aware there is a competition. This stuff brings out the worst in people.

    Reply
    1. marriagerecovery Post author

      Hi Iris, thanks for this.

      It’s interesting to see academic research on a topic such as this. I even love the term ‘mate poaching’ it is so psychological – as is the study – as you’d expect from the APA. It certainly gives food for thought and a framework for viewing direct experience. Naturally the study has its limitations, not least of all the usual one of having undergrads as the respondents but it does take in an awful lot of theory from across the topic and it does look at 53 nations. What I came away with may be the ingredients for a future blog but the paper suggests that it is a culturally universal experience (so I was right in considering Pig Shit a predator) and that both the poacher and the poached share similar characteristics, namely: neuroticism (often in a negative emotional state)and erotophilia (prone to masturbation and sexual fantasy). They are also happy to talk about sex, have had more sexual experience and sexual partners, are unfaithful and both share a lack of empathy and morality. Is it any wonder that if they end up together it doesn’t last long!!!!!

      What is alarming is that a single poaching event can cause significant discord in a relationship whether it’s short-term or long-term

      Reply
      1. Iris

        Yes, the behaviour of undergraduates is going to be more ‘fluid’ than the older committed or married. I’d be interested to read a future post about this subject.

        There’s a poignant comment after another article (Do Single Women Seek Attached Men? – NY Times)

        ‘I would suggest for any married man reading this, to learn and realize that ultimately no other girl outside of your marriage will truly love or adore you besides your wife.
        Because the women outside of your marriage is simply in it to satisfy their ego…
        Love conquers all :)

  4. SadLady

    Iris-
    I read the article. Okay, I read the parts that I could understand and rapidly skipped through the methodology/statistical analysis/data stuff. This supports my belief that romantic love gets too much play in our consciousness about affairs. Affairs are about things that are much more boring and untitillating. My main takeway is is that there is a personality type that conducts affairs and these personality types do not bode well for a long term relationship. Sexuality and culture, and the relationship between the two also have alot to do with it.
    My husband’s OW is a Russian emigre (we are in the US). When his therapist found that out, he blurted out, “well why didnt you tell me?” He went on to explain that Russia didn’t have women’s lib. Women are second class and are valued as sexual objects. High rates of poverty also means that a woman literally needs a man to survive. It can be seen in how Russian women carry themselves, seek out relationships, and allow themselves to be treated. He says that he sees many American men have affairs with Russian women because of their use of their sexuality to gain power and self esteem. This does not mean that Russian women have a monopoly on cheating or that ALL Russian women carry on affairs. It is just that there is a flavor to affairs by Russians and a social dynamic that plays out in a particular way. This article also talks about the way that both Russian men and women have affairs: http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2010/12/the_cheating_cheaters_of_moscow.html
    I am sure there is something within different cultures (when coupled with particular personality traits) that leads to affairs and infidelity, and it is not pretty. And it certainly is maladaptive to developing healthy long-term relationships.

    Reply
    1. SadLady

      Scabs. I agree. There is a predatory nature to this–mostly unconscious though. But I guess I don’t want to just demonize OWs as Predators–makes me think of the monster in the movie. I think these women are terribly faulty humans. And that is enough of a label. Especially if we want to move towards getting people like this figure out how to solve their personal problems rather than act out and hurt others.
      I also think that this underlying psychology exists all over and among many women (and men)–cheaters and non-cheaters alike. We have the moral compass not to sleep with married men but I think that the psychology of deriving part of our self-esteem from men or relationships, is something we all should look at.

      Reply
      1. exercisegrace

        Sometimes, people simply are predators. It isn’t a label, it is what they are. I try hard not to buy into the victimhood of what was done to me, and so I certainly won’t excuse her atrocities just because she is a faulty human. We all have faults and hurts from our past, but we have to be accountable for the choices we make and the destruction we visit on other people through those choices.

        My husband’s OW admitted she took advantage when he became clinically depressed. It is reprehensible to me that she told a man who was suicidal (with a plan) to NOT seek help or treatment of any kind. Instead she pushed her own agenda that the children and I were to blame for his depression. We were ungrateful parasites, etc. She convinced him for a time that she had all the answers. When he finally came to his senses and ended it, she stalked and harassed both me and my older two children via social media. She revealed gory details of the affair to our teenage daughter, with devastating results. We received anonymous, harassing calls and even a death threat. It has been an extremely stressful time. She was a predator and she is crazy. I’m just calling it like it is. Although I am in no way calling all people who cheat, predators.

        Lastly, you make an interesting point about where we derive our self-esteem. I think women in general are very vulnerable to this. But the lines are very blurry, even in the healthiest of relationships. When you have been married for a long time, I think it happens and is even (to some extent) a normal thing.

  5. harevalour

    Oh my god there are most definitely predatory women, and I believe it comes from both the competitiveness our culture ingrains in women and a deep seated insecurity. If she can get your man, then she becomes better than you (in her perspective). This is especially so if you are attractive and successful- she’ll measure her worth on what she can take from you.

    I might be completely wrong, but I’ve experienced SO much of this behaviour over the years. I’m from California where the competitiveness is turned up to 11- I’ve had a ‘friend’ crash a date, then have sex with the guy in the next room, only to discard him- all to prove that she could. Another ‘friend’ spent an entire summer hanging around me and my then boyfriend- you can guess how that turned out. Yet another ‘friend’ considered it a pastime to get any man interested in me to fall for her- then reject them. I don’t hang around these people anymore, and I wish I had learned earlier!
    I married an Irish man last year- I’ve given him the full rundown of these crazy manipulative predatory women so that when we visit California this year he isn’t fooled.

    That said- there are plenty of amazing women who long since outgrew the drama and competitiveness back home. I just got the motherload of backstabbing bitches.

    Reply

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