Understanding why adultery happens

It is now just over two and a half years since I joined ranks with all the betrayed wives in the world.  Actually, that’s not quite true.  I had joined it a year earlier but wasn’t fully aware.  D-day changed all that.  Awareness came to me in the form of truth which cut me like a sword into a tiny million pieces.  After the initial tsunami of emotions and behaviours I made a decision to allow my husband to attempt to restore my faith in him and to commit to jointly rebuilding our tattered and torn marriage.  Without doubt, it is his determination that has provided the glue in all this. It’s ironic.  The man that caused me all this pain is the man who is helping me to heal.  However, for me to be receptive to his actions and to accept his remorse for his behaviour I have had to increase my understanding of adultery.  I have devoured knowledge around the topic like it has been honey and from understanding the bigger picture I have been able to come to terms with the previously unthinkable.

However, I think I may now have come to an impasse. I purchased yet another book this week about healing from betrayal and although an excellent book and full of what I would consider to be accurate and helpful advice, there was absolutely nothing new for me to discover.  Everything now just repeats itself.  So what exactly is my understanding of adultery now and why am I still searching for answers?

I believe that trying to understand adultery is a bit like trying to understand a plate of spaghetti bolognaise!  Let me explain.  Firstly, let’s think about the spaghetti dish.  It is an absolute jumble of ingredients and the recipe for the dish can vary from region to region and house to house.  What possible sense could one make of a plate of spaghetti bolognaise?  Well, I think we first try to make it simpler so that we can get some measure of it.  Maybe we pull out each string of spaghetti and we wipe the bolognaise sauce off.  We are then left with a whole load of spaghetti all different lengths.  But, we could measure them and then we’d have some data that we could rely on and we could compare this with other dishes of spaghetti bolognaise.  Then we might start on the sauce and see if we can separate the meat from the sauce.  Perhaps we could weigh it.  Perhaps we could name all the spices and seasonings that were used and then again, we could compare to other dishes.  However, no matter how much we examine the different ingredients or how strong the microscope to identify what’s included we will never fully understand that individual plate of spaghetti in any way other than how it tastes when it is all together.  The mess is an intrinsic part of the dish.

I think mess is an intrinsic part of adultery.  I have gained glimpses into the phenomena that is adultery but it would appear that adultery is much bigger than the sum of its parts.  Perhaps I have just reached the end of what I can know about it? Perhaps I have to now let go of the search for more understanding and just accept the gaps in knowledge. The knowledge that infidelity is more common than we think, that people in happy marriages are unfaithful, that the reasons for adultery are varied, that my husband’s behaviour had nothing to do with me, that there are individuals out there who don’t object to shagging someone married to someone else, that honest communication is the only way to affair proof your marriage and that healing has to occur whether you stay or leave your marriage has all helped me enormously.  But this understanding is only partial. But perhaps partial is the best it gets?

However, there is some knowledge that is complete and I could only achieve this by reading about the topic and reaching out to others.  This is the knowledge that the pain of marital betrayal is incomprehensible if you have not experienced it first hand for yourself and that we all experience the same devastation. All my feelings, thoughts and responses are perfectly normal and appropriate in the circumstances.  Betrayed spouses draw the short straw that’s for sure and we live in a world that simply disregards the misery that adultery perpetuates. This cultural amnesia around the devastation and pain of adultery may well prove to be the gap in knowledge that prevents a full understanding of adultery. How might this change? Maybe we could apply Nathaniel Hawthorne’s concept of requiring adulterers  to wear a scarlet “A” (“A” is the symbol of adultery ) on their attire to shame them?

Image credits: Infidelity by Simon Howden; Spaghetti With Tomato Sauce by piyato; Student And Books Shows Learning & Dilemmas Problems  by Stuart Miles; all via freedigitalphotos.net

Advice for the Other Woman

Recently discovered an interesting article in the online magazine ELLE.  It was written by Dr. E. Jean, an agony aunt responding to a question about the ‘etiquette’ of being the other woman. I was intrigued because the word etiquette seems hugely mismatched to the concept of the other woman.

The question was posed by an OW who was pissed off at the married man’s attitude towards her.  He had accused her of being too needy and told her that his shoulders were not for her problems.  Her response to this was to text his wife to rat on him.  She also chose to text his sister and his mother-in-law! To create more malevolence within this vitriolic act she also said that she was pregnant.  A lie! OW  felt justified in doing this because she was furious about being ignored and hurt because he was emotionally unavailable to her.  But, she now felt terrible about what she’d done because she was ‘not that kind of person’. Her question to Dr. E. Jean was ‘How can I clear my conscience and move on from this?’ She signed off as Wronged Woman!!!

Dr Jean’s advice was as follows:

Woman—Please: The man is a scoundrel. He was unfaithful to his wife. But you? What you did was so cruel, so half-witted, so dirty, so over the top, causing so much pain to so many people—and if any children suffer the slightest anguish because of your lie (if the man has kids and you cause a divorce)—I don’t want you to “clear your conscience.” Actually, I want you to go to a therapist.

The shrink will help you understand that a married man is by definition “unavailable.” (I have the sickening feeling that you’re one of those sparkling Paula Broadwell–esque hotheads for whom “uproar’s your only music,” as Keats said. Hence, I’m not going to yammer all day about therapy. I just want you to give it a whirl and see if you can grok what’s going on and come to a deeper, truer understanding of your life.)

For your own honor, you must now write three letters. The man’s wife, his mother-in-law, and his sister should each receive one—handwritten in ink, on serious cream-colored stationery. Apologize for your heinous lies, take full blame for the affair, and say you led him into it. Yes, we know he’s a bastard. Yes, we know you’re not the Dalai Lama. But make this your one great, selfless act. Your remorse and honesty will restore your dignity, help three people deal with a catastrophe, and show what “kind of person” you are, really.

Naturally, you never know if these problems are real or manufactured and I guess that this particular problem may be seen by many as far fetched, but unfortunately for me, having been on the receiving end of betrayal and a skank who texted me with the sordid shitty details I have no doubts that this type of heinous behaviour is common.  It just reeks of the insane thinking processes of women who agree to shag married men in the belief that it will provide them with a loving  and meaningful relationship. Their false beliefs then lead to unrealistic expectations and a false sense of entitlement.

I might have been more scathing than Dr Jean but I think she got the message across. The best advice is for women to understand that by definition a married man is unavailable. How fucking difficult is that to comprehend?

Image Credit: Letter And Letter Pad by digitalart freedigitalphotos.net

Wanting the Other Woman to suffer

I’m not proud to be writing this blog post but I am in desperate need to vent my feelings.  I can no longer pretend that 2 years, ten months post D-day I don’t think about the other woman.  I feel that I have to be honest with myself and confront the awful feelings I am harbouring towards Pig Shit. I so get all the advice about being sensible when thinking about the bitch who shagged my husband.  So called experts suggest that I forgive her as well as my husband but I am finding it MORE difficult to get anywhere near forgiving her for helping to ruin my life.  What is the value in forgiving her when she shows no remorse for what she has done? I know, I KNOW, that my husband was the fuck wit responsible.  I know, I KNOW that the other woman is a human being and is no doubt lacking in self esteem etc. I know, I KNOW that having a good life is the best revenge, BUT… the truth is, deep down I want to know that she is suffering.    I can’t discuss this with husband.  He is doing everything conceivably possible to support my healing from his betrayal and I am so pleased to observe glimmers of renewed trust developing from our shared honesty.  The last thing I want to do is bring back Pig Shit between us!

I have nothing but anger and outrage for Pig Shit.  It makes me sick to know that she was divorced from her cheating second husband.  I am nowhere near forgiveness or even pity and I’m not sure that there is a need to extend my forgiveness beyond my husband.  I want her to be miserable, desperately unhappy.  Lonely.  I want her to see couples together holding hands, embracing and kissing and I want her to feel envy and jealousy.  I want her to remember what a fool she made of herself with my husband.  Also the fool she made of herself with another woman’s husband before mine.  I want her to continue to have relationships with men who use and abuse her.   I want her to feel ashamed of herself.  Actually I would like to have a confrontation with her but this will never happen because I am intelligent enough to realise the futility of such a thing.  I am so angry about how little she accepted from my husband and how happy it made her feel.  Naturally, I would like to NOT think about her at all but as you can see, I’m not doing very well and I just can’t pretend anymore.  I don’t think it an abnormal response, just an undesirable one.

It’s not that I’m letting my husband off the hook here.  I have read that being angry at the other woman is just misplaced anger towards my husband.  But it doesn’t feel like that to me.  I have no illusions about who has the responsibility for the betrayal in my marriage.  I accept that his brain was in his dick, that he was selfish, immature and lacked boundaries.  I also accept that he chose to lie and deceive me so that he could shag Pig Shit.  If he had been an honourable man she would not have had any opportunity to hurt me.  However, as Chris Rock once said, a man is as faithful as his options.  If she could have insisted that he leave me before she allowed him between her legs, the adultery would not have happened.  She wanted to be one of my husband’s options and she didn’t care one iota that he was married to someone else.

“The Other Woman” by Lana Del Rey

The other woman has time to manicure her nails

The other woman is perfect where her rival fails

And she’s never seen with pin curls in her hair anywhere

The other woman enchants her clothes with French perfume

The other woman keeps fresh cut flowers in each room

There are never toys that’s scattered everywhere

And when her old man comes to call

He finds her waiting like a lonesome queen

‘Cause to be by her side it’s such a change from old routine

But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep

The other woman will never have his love to keep

And as the years go by the other woman will spend her life alone, alone

Alone

The Idiot Other Woman and Valentines Day

Today is February 14th, Valentines Day.  A date associated with romantic love and a mass marketing feeding frenzy.   My husband and I have always tried to limit our buy-in to the commercial stuff but do use the date as an excuse to inject a bit more romance into our lives.  This has always been the case including the year when he was shagging Pig Shit.

This has led me to consider the experience of Valentine’s Day to all the ‘other women’ out there and what stories they must tell themselves in order to accept their predicament.  Is it just more head in the sand behaviour? Paul Chevalier Gavarni (1801-1866) once said that “what looks like the truth is truth enough for fools” but surely, if the married man you are shagging is not planning on seeing you today and tonight what reason could be offered to excuse him? It can’t be for his children.  His wife can’t be forcing him to have a romantic night. How do you square this circle? Of course, it’s not just today it’s all the important dates in the year that have to be prioritised to include the most important people.  On all of these occasions it is likely that the husband is enjoying the event with his wife whilst relaying a crock of shit to the other woman about having no choice, not wanting to be where he is, missing her like crazy, blah, blah, blah!    So the other woman has to convince herself that she’s fine with it all, it’s not important to her but… lo and behold, he promises to compensate for his absence by doing something with her either a couple of days before or a couple of days after.  And guess what, she jumps at the opportunity! Another example of crumbs from the table being served up as a real meal!

During 2012 (The year of the Pig Shit) my husband and I did our regular stuff.  Valentines day fell on a Tuesday and rather than be subjected to mediocre Valentine fayre in a restaurant I always cook something special and delicious for us.  Flowers, champagne, wine and candles along with twinkly lights helps put our house in the right mood.  We would have our restaurant date night either the weekend before or after.  So for us, Valentine’s  becomes a two day event.

In 2012 my husband decided he wanted a bit more sexual action in his life and I imagine that the sex he was having with Pig Shit came with strings attached.  She wanted a ‘normal’ relationship with him so must have wanted a slice of Valentine.  She got it.  Thursday February 16th my husband booked a night for the two of them in a cheap motel in Birmingham where she lives.  By now she had had six shags with my husband but the overnight accommodation was getting shabbier and cheaper each time! These motels do not have restaurants attached, normally just a pub close by. Hardly romantic.  And of course, they both had to get up for work the next day.  So now, seven months since meeting each other, seven meetings and a total of seven shags.  Why didn’t she ever smell the coffee?  If this was happening with a single man it would be easy to see that he really didn’t want to be with her that much?  Why, with a married man do women think it is different?

Why would a man who is unhappy in his marriage need to spend Valentine’s day/night with his wife? If the relationship is empty he could do want he wanted to surely?  If it was that unhappy why would the wife want to participate?  The truth is this:

If you are currently the other woman and your married man is unable to be with you today it is because he is just not that into you.  When are you going to wake up and smell the coffee?

Image Credits: Red Hearts Background by hinnamsaisuy; Red Roses by James Barker via Freedigitalphotos.net

I STILL LOVE MY WIFE

This is what my husband said to Pig Shit after he had gone to live with her and her two teenage children!

After 12 shags in just under a year she was delighted to accommodate my husband in her life.  In fact, I reckon that she had thought that all her Christmases had come at once.  Apparently, upon his arrival she stood at her door with her arms open ready to embrace him and welcome him into her pathetic life.  He tells me that she was always saying that she wanted a ‘normal life’ but didn’t elaborate and my husband did not care to pursue her wants or needs.  I guess, having my husband move in with her gave her some kind of validation.  She paraded him in front of her female friends.  She must have felt so proud.  Go figure.

She never asked anything about what had happened to his marriage.  Actually, husband said that during their time together she had actually stated that she did not want to know anything whatsoever about his marriage to me.  So when he asked if he could move in she just accepted his comment that he had decided to leave me.  He had not!  I asked him to leave our home.

Anyway, what she didn’t know, because of her naivety,  is how short lived her nirvana was to be.  Unbeknownst to her, after ten days he was begging to come back home.  I wouldn’t allow him to just return so she had more days with him, in fact the whole month of July.  She wanted to get a kitten (he missed our cat),  she wanted to buy a new bed (he was too tall for hers), she wanted to buy a new radiator because the room he was working from was cold.  He told her that there was no rush.

As time went on he became increasingly troubled and I was sincerely concerned abut his mental state.  I wasn’t aware that he was with a dirt bag and her teenage children, if I did the outcome for us would have been very different.  However, he was obviously starting to crack but I guess she just didn’t want to see it as it would mean that everything that she was dreaming of was about to go down the drain pipe.

One evening, she was in the kitchen and he tells me that he went into the kitchen and told her “You know, I still love my wife.”  Was this or was this not a bombshell to Pig Shit?  Her response?

“HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL?”

That’s it!  No further discussion.  Head in sand.  Sexual toy bag at the ready – shagging this man in her home whilst her teenage kids were in the other bedrooms.  Tell me, is this lack of intelligence?  On the day that he left her (after obtaining my consent) he went out to the cash machine and got some money to give her for his keep.  She must have thought this a little bonus.  Little did she know that as soon as she left to go to work he started moving all his stuff into his car whilst her teenage son was in his bedroom.

Then, once he had arrived at our house he texted her to say it was all over and she has never been able to communicate with him since.  She kept on ringing and texting but he just deleted everything and the next day he changed his phone number.

Two days later she texted me apologising for all the lies that hay had to tell me in order for them to have sex in (and she lists all the places)

Spiteful, selfish, greedy and unintelligent I hope that she continues to reap what she sows. I hate what my husband did but I hate that she just gets away with it.

Image credits: Hearts by Feelart;  Do Not Disturb by winnond; End by dan   via freedigitalphotos.net

Why married men return to their wives

Lately, I’ve been giving some thought to why my husband chose to work on his marriage to me and completely cut Pig Shit out of his life.

If he had wanted to, he could easily have chosen to commit to her.  However, I don’t believe that was ever something that he planned to do.  From what I’ve read, some men are clearly looking for an exit strategy. (Why they don’t just leave an unhappy marriage baffles me – why do they need someone else to leave for?) However, some don’t have any intention to leave their wives they just want to have extra marital sex with accommodating women and to keep it a secret from their wives. They assume that they can have their cake and eat it too.  Selfish, immature and loose boundaries, these husbands are idiots.  Pig Shit may think that my husband ‘returned’ to me but in truth, he never left me.  She was lied to more than me.  She allowed herself to be used sexually in return for a promise of a ‘normal’ life with my husband at some time in the future. What a grim picture.  Even men who do leave their wives (and this is a very small number indeed!) seldom stay with the woman that they’ve been shagging whilst married.  Pig Shit had previously had a relationship with another married man for three years and apparently he ‘returned to his wife’.  What are the chances that he never had any intention to commit to her.  What is it with these fuck-wit women?

You see, I didn’t even know he was committing adultery.  We both work from home for the majority of the time and if you added up the nights he spent away it would be too sporadic to account for another woman (well, that was before I knew what I know now!!!).  However, something started to feel different in our relationship.  He became distant and I frequently pressed him on this but never got anywhere and it would frequently end in a bit of a row (something we don’t do much of, normally).  I even asked if he was gay!  I was in such a muddle as to what was disturbing him. We were still having regular sex and was, in my mind anyway, still happily married.  However, by the end of June 2011 (10 months after their first shag) he had got progressively more strange and I had had enough of his behaviour.  He seemed to be going into some kind of melt down.  One night he sobbed in my arms telling me how much he loved me.  The next night he decided to go sleep in the spare room but he wouldn’t tell me why.  He just kept saying that he didn’t want to be here.  I assumed ‘here’ was our home and me. So, by now I have concluded that he is having his mid-life crisis and is probably shagging prostitutes and having one night stands.  Intuitively, I knew it was sexual.  Once he moved out of our marital bed I was at a complete loss as what to do next but knew things could not remain as they were.  I decided to leave him that night and went to live with my brother.

Two days later I arranged to meet him in a neutral space and explained that it was all going to change.  I told him that I had heard him, loud and clear.  He didn’t want to be here (that was, at home with me) so, I suggested he left and went to stay with friends so that he could be someplace else.  I would put the house on the market and see a solicitor about a divorce.  In two days he had left our home, taken all his clothes and business files/computer and our television.  (I’m not a lover of TV and it was a large one, so I had asked him to take it with him and to cancel our satellite rental).  I didn’t care where he was going at this stage.  I did get an estate agent to visit and I did have my first appointment with a divorce lawyer. I didn’t want to do these things but I found all the other alternatives unacceptable to me.  I would not beg him to stay.  We do not have children together, so if he didn’t want what we had together I felt that there was little left for me to do except take charge of myself.  I needed to feel that I was making my own choices and not becoming a victim of his actions.

I stopped acting like a caring wife and became business-like in my approach.  Inside I was devastated by what I thought was his change of heart for me but I know that you can’t make someone love you and if he had stopped loving me I would rather us part.  I cried, I drunk too much and started dancing on my own, in the living room to loud club music until the early hours.  I had no idea what he was up to save staying with a friend.  I no longer thought it was any of my business.  I got strength from my dignity in this and somehow knew I would survive his rejection of me.  It’s funny but I was stronger in this situation, MUCH stronger, than when I had to face the reality of what had been going on.  Adultery.

I was able to keep my reserve, at least on the outside, but naturally I was heartbroken and still very confused as to what his problem was.  I did wonder if he was having a bit of a breakdown because it was all so strange. Anyway, a few days later he arrived on our doorstep begging to come home and from this day forward he just kept on and on with phone calls and texts and meetings.  I would not take him back immediately.  I said I wanted to know what the problem was.  Needless to say it never became clear.  He was a mass of contradictions and he started to worry me. I still loved him and was becoming deeply concerned by his psychological state.

Finally, I relented and agreed he could come home. He ‘returned’ on Wednesday 1st August.  He didn’t plan on telling me the truth (for all the reasons that I’m fully familiar with now) and just hoped he could make everything right. He had told Pig Shit that it was over with her but he didn’t disclose that he was coming to me.  He told her more lies.   He told her that he was going to stay with a friend and then go out to South Africa to his cousin.

On Friday 3rd August (2 days after he left her house) Pig Shit sent me a text.  She wanted me to know what she had been doing with my husband because she was concerned that he would try to ‘worm’ his way back to me. She wanted the both of us (her and I) to find a more genuine man.  Yes, she really did text this. Only two days previously she was deliriously happy to have my husband in her bed.  A month before this she was prepared to shag him when it was convenient for him and then have him return to me for weeks until her next shag.  She knew he was married and was lying to me.  Did she REALLY consider him genuine?  Pleeeeeeeeeease!

But why was she so quick to text me?  She knew didn’t she. Shagging another woman’s husband is destructive and the motivation to do so comes from a dark place in the soul. “I don’t  know exactly what covetous is, but in my experience it is not so much desiring someone else’s virtue or happiness as rejecting it, taking offense at the beauty of it.” Marilynne Robinson, Gilead

Married men don’t really return to their wives because in their head they had no intention of leaving. When they realise what a dog’s dinner they’ve made of their life (and this can only occur when they truly believe they will lose their wife) they panic and try to make amends. Their wives may not find it possible to allow this but that is for each of us betrayed spouses to come to terms with.

Image Credit: “U-Turn Sign” by manostphoto; “Letters Love” by phanlop88; “3d Boxer” by David Castillo Dominici; “Broken Heart Sign, Loss Of Love Concept” by cuteimage; via freedigitalphotos.net

A Difficult Christmas

I have not written a blog post since October and realise that I have gotten out of the habit now.  To be honest, I was questioning my motives for writing about the whole thing anyway.  I had started to wonder if by continuing to write blog posts I was just picking at the scabs of my wounds and preventing healing.  On reflection, two months down the line and a difficult Christmas, I don’t believe that blogging has had any negative effect on my dealing with adultery. I have no idea if it actually helps but it’s difficult to contain the mixed emotions that remain cluttered in my head without some form of outlet.

So D-day for me was August 3rd 2012.  That’s when Pig Shit texted me to let me know what she had been doing with my husband.  So I have been dealing with the knowledge of my husband’s adultery for 2 years and 5 months.  My husband had been shagging this woman since September 2011.  However, I realise now that it’s not the time since D-day that is my problem.  Since D-day my husband has done everything that is possible to make amends.  I cannot fault his commitment to repairing our marriage and could not ask him for anything else.  It is the time span between September 2011 and August 2012 that causes me all my grief.  I still get pulled up short when I realise stuff around the betrayal that had previously gone below my radar.

Twice, over Christmas, events have crept into my consciousness and caused havoc with my physiology.  The shaking, the shivers down my spine, the stomach flip that makes me initially feel sick and then rushes me to the toilet.  The dry mouth, the panic, the rage that starts to burn inside me.  The first event was putting up the tree.  As I was doing this I realised that I had been doing the same thing in December 2011.  I was making all the preparations, getting excited, organising family to come over, collecting the turkey, putting all the twinkly lights up.  My husband was also doing all the Christmassy things with me.  BUT, but… in December 2011 he was doing all these things knowing that he was going to schedule a shagging date for him and Pig Shit.  He would have been texting her and ringing her at any opportunity that he could find.  Whilst I, in all my naivety, smiled and laughed  and sang silly Christmas tunes.  How can someone do this?  How could he have happily done this?  I sat down in the middle of decorating the tree and wept.  My husband wanted to know why and I told him, angrily and violently.  He apologised and apologised as he always does.  Said how much he regrets doing what he did and how he values what he has.  However, the sadness and disappointment in my heart would not leave and it has made me question, again, whether I have done the right thing in staying together.

The second event is closely related.  My husband and I met on December 20th 2002.  We have always celebrated this anniversary as well as our later wedding anniversary which is in May.  This year my husband organised a dinner and overnight stay in a hotel and I dressed in my new red lace dress.  We did have a lovely time.  However, a few days later, whilst in the shower, it dawned on me that in December 2011 we would have been celebrating knowing each other for nine years whilst he was shagging Pig Shit.  I wanted to put these pieces of the jigsaw puzzle together.  As I have all the dates and whereabouts of their sordid antics it is very easy for me.  I discover that after our anniversary event on the 20th, he arranged to shag Pig Shit on the 22nd!!!!  This makes me feel sick.  It’s funny how this had not dawned on me before.  It’s like all the pieces of the jigsaw have to be assembled somehow.  I was still wet from the shower, with my towel wrapped round me when I attacked my husband for this behaviour.

It exhausts me.  When will the emotions that his adultery triggers subside?    I can see why couples separate after adultery.  It must seem like the easier option.  Staying together is very challenging – well, it is for me.  This in turn makes it difficult for my husband.  No matter what he does he can’t make amends for what he did.  He cannot turn back the clock and make a better choice.  I would just love to forget what he did so why can’t I bury it some place?

Image Credits: Tree by Suat Eman; Hand Holding Christmas Ball & Feet Sticking Out Of Blanket by FrameAngel; all via Freegigitalphotos.net