Adultery: There are no satisfactory answers to why, but genuine remorse can heal the scars.

never ending whyThis is the conclusion that I have come to after three years (and counting) of marital recovery following D-day. I’ve been hooked on the ‘why’ for too long now.  Placebo had a point in the lyrics to their song ‘The Never Ending Why’:

Time will help you through

But it doesn’t have the time

To give you all the answers to the never-ending why.

Why would an otherwise sane person risk so much for so little? I have not had any satisfactory answers from my husband and I have not noted any that resonate with me from all the thousands of words that I have read on the subject. For my husband it has mainly been about him being an absolute jerk. He can’t explain why he did what he did. He doesn’t blame anybody but himself; his stupidity, selfishness and lack of boundaries. In his own words he was a prat. Quite! We have subsequently come to the conclusion that his deep rooted issues around anger may have played some part but this is not an answer to why for me.

Lots have people have issues with anger but they don’t all commit acts of adultery. It started with a sense of boredom with himself, with us. Well, isn’t this what happens sometimes in life? What idiot expects novelty all the time. This boredom led to pornography. He would watch it whilst I was working till late. I asked him why he didn’t share this inclination with me. I’m no prude, I’d say fairly broad church, plus we have watched porn together earlier in our relationship but, like many women, it never rocked my boat. I prefer a story line… don’t we all? I’d choose erotic literature over the visual depictions any day but I think this is a clear difference in male and female sexuality. He says that he would not have liked me to see the porn he was watching.  He also was starting to feel that he had lost his passion for everything. I’d say he was experiencing a form of depression that occurs in middle age. So with this existential angst, whilst out drinking without me he gets introduced to a woman who is available. The rest is history. Whilst I know all I want to know about their sordid and sorry lets-get-a-motel-and-fuck relationship I still cannot understand why he would want to act like a complete jackass and risk everything he feels dear to him.

Literature in the area doesn’t help much either. The only thing that seems to get put into the mix is to look at the marriage and what might have been the push factors that prompted adultery. I find this an insidious train of thought that at best gives therapists an angle at making sense of nonsense and at worst sets the scene for further adultery should marital discord ever present itself again. Quite frankly, there was nothing in our marriage that prompted adultery and EVEN IF THERE WAS, that does not explain why because there is no problem that adultery is the answer to. The truth is, adultery is a solution looking for a problem! If you look for a problem, I’m sure you’ll find one eventually!

Actually, I know the answer to why my husband committed adultery and it is all unpalatable and unacceptable. It was his selfishness and arrogant sense of entitlement. He had a lot of fun with Pig Shit. Nobody held a gun to his head. He RAN towards her. He made arrangements to meet up to shag. He told her he loved her and he did all this because it made him feel good. He didn’t want to leave me for one minute so of course, he kept it a secret so he could have his cake and eat it too. He found sexual novelty and difference and as long as he could have his little fix every few weeks he was happy to lie, cheat and deceive me. Not to mention deceive Pig Shit but she was a grown up willingly ready to give herself sexually to a married man. She got what she deserved in my opinion. And then, when he would have liked to have let it run its course he found he had dug himself into a shit hole that he couldn’t get out of. Then more of his unsavoury character surfaced. Not only was he a selfish son of a bitch hurting me, the wife who loved him dearly, he was an emotional yellow livered coward who set in motion a series of events that would threaten to destroy everything that the two of us held between us.

How many times can you ask why? How much digging can you do? I really do believe that there is nothing much to find out because there is nothing there. You either have the personal discipline, moral values, respectability and determination to remain monogamous or you don’t. Really, the question for me is, has the impact of the consequences of his adultery made him develop sexual self-discipline, value fidelity, behave respectably and work at remaining committed to monogomamy? This is his shit, not mine. If I’m to stay with him and if our marriage is going to survive in the long term he has got to convince me that he can and I have to heal from the pain of his past actions. So, what is it, if anything, that can a) change his behaviour and b) help to heal my pain. I think I have the answer to this.

The answer is genuine remorse.

If he feels genuine remorse for the devastating pain his adultery caused me this remorse will keep his behaviour in check. This remorse will prevent him from ever hurting me like this again. This remorse will provide him with the humility to show his shame and disgrace to me and allow me the time and actions I need in order to heal. If his remorse is genuine and I believe his sincerity, this remorse will act as a balm on my open wounds and scars caused by his adultery. Without genuine remorse there can be no marital recovery.

The past three years with my husband, since D-day has been a continuous display of actions that demonstrate his remorse. His only request of me is that I judge him by his actions now and not his actions of the past. I do my best. I certainly don’t make it easy for him and I still test him. The stakes are high here. This is my integrity at stake. I have often wished that he was more of a wordsmith than he is. He is clumsy with words and finds it difficult to put his feelings into words. Of course, on the one hand this is quite a relief for me because I don’t have to worry about whether the words are lies but on the other hand, actions don’t always feed me with the comfort I need at certain times. Sometimes I find myself leaning into him and saying ‘tell me something nice’, not quite knowing what I’d want him to say but feeling the need for some emotional validation. He responds always with I love you and I’m so sorry that I hurt you and then goes on to list all the things I do that makes him feel so lucky to have me in his life. I do smile. It is lovely. However, yesterday I read a blog which had a letter of apology from the wayward spouse to the betrayed spouse and it caught me quite unawares. I have grown accustomed to WSs comments which just don’t get it and which seek to massage their own egos away from the wretchedness of their own stories, so was taken aback by the level of remorse shown, the acceptance of shortcomings, the open awareness of his appalling behaviour and his love for the woman he is lucky to still be married to. I think it is his love that leaks from the words that caused me to be so emotionally moved by the letter. I read parts of it to my husband. I don’t normally share blog material with him but I felt this to be different. The act of my reading it to him brought us both to tears.

Much of the apology is rooted in specific and unique experiences which devastated his marriage but a great deal of the apology seemed, to me, to carry a universal message. For the full version, please visit the blog Reconcile4Life. What I have done here, is to take poetic license (with their permission) and to tweak it to my situation. Whilst the never ending why fills me with despair, this letter of apology acts like a balm. I have no despair when I read this, only hope.

I’ve written this letter several times, and I’m still struggling to get it right. I apologize. I apologize for hurting you, for destroying your world, stabbing you in the back, pulling the rug out from under you, making a fool of you, and failing to appreciate you. I want you to know I’m not sorry I got caught. Instead, I apologize for what I did to you, and for what I failed to do for you. I apologize for breaking my marriage vows to you. I apologize for being a terrible friend, especially when you have always been the best friend and lover a man could want. I beg your forgiveness. I don’t expect it. The things I did are really unforgivable. Nonetheless, I beg your forgiveness.

I apologize for my selfishness and self-centeredness. I made a story all about me. The year of deception stopped us from having a continuous wonderful story about us. Did you feel lonely, unsupported, unloved, and abandoned during that time? I feel the tears welling up as I write this. I apologize for hurting you.

I apologize for bringing a demon into our bedroom. The demon was my sick obsessions, my insecurities, my insistence on comparing myself to some sick, unrealistic ideal of masculinity I imagined. I went out without you, looking for ways to cheat.   I made you feel nothing you did was good enough for me, in the bedroom, and in many other ways. I took the joy out of sex for you. I took a fun and beautiful thing that you deserved, and I ruined it for you. I apologize.

I apologize for making you feel ashamed or unwanted. You are the most beautiful woman in the world to me, and always have been. I denied you that free and joyful affirmation. I robbed you of the fun, free, and beautiful sexual and romantic life we could have shared. I made another woman feel she had that with me. It should have been a holy thing, meant only for the two of us to share. I desecrated it. I apologize.

You felt alone, ashamed of our marriage falling apart, and heartbroken. You deserved such better treatment, such greater respect from me. I apologize.

I apologize for making you afraid to be yourself. With my insecurities, I behaved like a selfish child, not a supportive friend and lover. I made you feel afraid and unappreciated. I made you fear being you. I apologize.

I apologize for not appreciating you, thanking you, and praising you. You thought we were in the struggle together, trying to improve our lot, as a partnership. I took for granted all the instinctive, heartfelt, thoughtful, and loving support you gave me. I let you down, thinking only about me and taking unfathomable, thoughtless risks. In my blind self-centeredness, I missed a thousand opportunities to lovingly praise you, publicly or privately, even in small ways, or even to thank you for all your work, courage, and selflessness. I apologize.

I apologize for failing to protect you, to proudly, confidently, and instinctively stand up for you in the face of my mother’s criticism and manipulation. I cowardly avoided conflict, protecting myself instead of quickly, firmly, even calmly putting my mother in her place. Did you feel abandoned, in addition to feeling unfairly judged and attacked? I apologize.

I apologize for my lies, to hide my corrupt thoughts and behaviors. Moreover, I apologize for not being honest, trusting, and emotionally intimate; for not confiding in you. How much of my downward spiral could I have prevented had I simply told you, right away of my struggles. I denied you the intimate honesty you needed to feel safe and that I needed in order to be a safe partner. I apologize for that emotional cowardice.

I viewed our relationship as a means for meeting my needs. That got in the way of me actually loving you, regardless of needs. I apologize for not properly and truly loving you. Don’t get me wrong. I have always wanted you, admired you, and been infatuated with you. But, it wasn’t until after D-day that I learned to love anyone. I love you, and only you. I apologize for not doing so during the year of adultery. I apologize for making everything focus on my needs.

I apologize for humiliating you. Friends and colleagues knew or suspected I was betraying you. You even feel shocked and humiliated by yourself, for not calling me out on possible signs of infidelity. As much as my low self-esteem laid the foundation for my corrupt behavior, I have destroyed your self-esteem through humiliation. I robbed you of your dignity in that manner. How can we restore it? Can we make Pig Shit, witnesses, or others view you without the lens of humiliation and stolen dignity? Can they un-know what they know? Can they not believe what they instinctively believe? I don’t know. I apologize for humiliating you, robbing you of your dignity, and de-humanizing you. Just for being a human being, you deserved far better. Being my sworn mate, friend, and lover, I should have protected your honor, dignity, and humanity like priceless treasures. That’s what they are. I owe it to you to restore them. I pray that I can.

I also destroyed your sense of safety, your self-confidence, and even your trust in your own instincts. Always hyper-vigilant and never relaxed, you now question everything, not just my words and actions, but even your own. You wonder why you tolerate our continued relationship, when even you would describe my crimes against you as a deal-breaker. This makes you look poorly on yourself. I apologize for the self-doubt I created in you, the peace of mind I destroyed, and stealing the calm joy and optimism with which you once approached life.

I apologize for the stolen memories, the damaged memories, and the tainted history of our story.   I took priceless heirlooms — your memories — and I spat on them, broke them, misplaced them, soiled them, and damaged them irreparably. Where you once remembered shared experiences, adventures, trips, special occasions, quiet moments, and intimate discussions, you now wonder whether any of it was real. You fear I was mentally with Pig Shit while physically with you. You feel like you were with a stranger, an imposter, when you thought you had been with your friend. You feel like you have no real past. Your fear makes you feel there is no future. That feels lonely, detached, and hopeless. I apologize for robbing you of what should have been so many beautiful memories.

I apologize for squandering time, energy, and money that was ours, not mine, to save, use, or manage. I should have saved my energy for doing things with you. I should have spent my time arriving home earlier to see you. Instead, I exhausted myself and flushed that time down the toilet, out with Pig Shit. Even now, it makes you feel cheated, like you wasted your time waiting for me. It makes you feel worthless, that I did not value and appreciate my time with you.

I apologize for making you feel I hoarded my sense of fun and spontaneity, giving it to Pig Shit instead of giving it to you. I apologize for letting another steal what belonged to you. I love you so dearly. I apologize for creating a situation where you can never fully believe that.

I apologize for the risks I imposed on you. I exposed you to possible STD and I risked getting caught by others, thereby humiliating you even deeper than I did. I apologize for putting you through those risks, especially without your knowledge and consent. I had no right.   A good man doesn’t even put himself through those risks. It was an act of selfishness, self-centeredness, and indifference, again and again. I know you are shocked. You can’t get over the fear — the horror — that I could do that, that you did not know about it, and that you fear it could happen again. I apologize for risking your mind, body, and soul. They are yours, not mine. I honor them now, as I should have, always.

I apologize for hurting you, disregarding you, and failing to protect you.

I apologize for gradually drifting away from you, mentally and emotionally. I became so oblivious to your feelings, your life, even your presence, that I stood by, numb and unaffected. I drifted along, clueless as I disappointed you on your birthday and countless other special occasions. How easy it would have been for me to adjust my priorities, my focus, my love and attention, to put you first, to be flexible, and to get the value equation right. And, how important it was. Toward the end, before D-day, I became so bad that we were just cohabitating, not living together as loving friends, intimately involved in each other’s lives. You felt lonely, and gradually that grew into resentment, hopelessness, and despair. I apologize for emotionally abandoning you.

I apologize for leaving you out of my intimate circle, building walls between us. The walls hid Pig Shit and lies. The secret life behind those walls should have been for you, not for others to see. You felt left out, lonely, and shut out. I apologize for living apart from you, emotionally, instead of standing shoulder to shoulder with you and acting as a team.

I apologize for each lie, each cowardly failure to confide in you, each craven failure to defend and protect you, each betrayal, each stolen memory and squandered moment, each instance of working against us instead of for us, each precious right or privilege a wife deserves that I gave to another, each tear, each tremble of fear and despair, and each time your heart breaks.

MR, I am the most fortunate man in the world, to have such a wife as you. I strive to be a worthy husband. I apologize for doing that so little and so late. You are the aspect of life I most appreciate. Without you, nothing else would matter to me.

I apologize. I beg your forgiveness. If you can’t forgive me, I thank you for each moment, in the past, present, and hopefully the future. I will never forget to appreciate you. I love you. Thank you for waiting for me to learn how to love.

MR, I love you.

Husband

This blog is hugely indebted to the blog Reconciliation4Life written by a married couple seeking to heal from the effects of adultery. TL (TigerLily) the Betrayed Spouse and MC (MindlessCraft) the Unfaithful Spouse.  Thank you both, from the bottom of my heart.

The Other Woman in Your Head

witchHello! Has the other woman taken up residence in your head?  Who said that she could? When is the eviction?  Hang on, who the f**k is she exactly?

Three years ago I didn’t even know that Pig Shit existed. I had no idea that there was a 50 odd year old desperate dirt bag living in Birmingham, happy to shag other women’s husbands.  A single mother with two teenage children, uneducated, inarticulate and very ordinary looking was conducting a let’s-get-a-motel-and-fuck relationship with my husband that dragged on for eleven months until my stupid husband met his melt down and the beginning of the end started for her. 12 shags in eleven months. Not even a fortnight together but she was putting the pressure on, insisting that he spend more time with her.

I never knew about her BUT SHE KNEW ABOUT ME. That pisses me off. Is that surprising? I don’t even want her knowing my name! So I resent this. Truth be known, it seems that she didn’t want to know much about me at all and certainly nothing about what my husband and I did together. What was this? Ostrich with its head in the sand? Denial? Fear? Did she think that she could just wish me away?

So why have I wanted to know so much about her? Before I go on I need to admit to this has abated somewhat now. I’m sure that this is because her life is so very, very b.o.r.i.n.g, but it may just be a case of time passing and thoughts fading. But, I have to be honest and say that she still resides in my head, YUK!!!! Why is this? I’m convinced that she never pops into my husband’s head without my prompting and of course why would she? She’s the past, someone who meant nothing other than dirty sex. How many of us spend any time thinking about our past loves leave alone people who meant less? It doesn’t happen does it. For my husband she is one big regret, buried under lead.

Over the past three years and our journey of marital recovery I am happy to say that my confidence has returned. I don’t get caught up anymore in that swirling eddy that made me think that there was something missing in me or that she had something special between my husband and her. She is to be pitied. My life is not like hers and never would be. My life, the one she wanted for herself is beyond her reach. I would actually like to meet her and for her to see my husband and me together so that she could have a reality slap. As if, my husband would leave me for her! He is lucky that I agreed to stay with him.

So what is it with these obsessive thoughts we have about the other woman (TOW) when we know it is irrational and totally unnecessary in our marriage recovery. Or is it? It really is so common I wonder if it is a necessary part of the recovery journey. Although TOW is a nothing and a nobody, she leaves a slime like trail within the marriage. She reminds me of my husband’s stupidity, immaturity and selfishness. I cannot wish her away!

“Here’s the thing about the other woman. She lives inside your head. She may live on the next street or in the next town or halfway across the world; she may be five-two or five-nine; she may be rail thin (never skinny) or voluptuous (never fat). But however big or small she is, however much space she takes up in the world, will never compare to the amount of space she’ll take up in your brain. It is there that she will spread herself from wall to wall, eating gift-wrapped chocolates that she will ooze into every nook and cranny of your cerebrum, until you won’t be able to think of anything else. And if you let her take up residence there, no matter when you cut her off, no matter how hard you try to starve her, you may never, ever, get her out.”

“Let’s say you look around the room and realise that at this point, you are the only one keeping TOW company… Some days you think you are beginning to prefer her company to your [husband’s]. It is this thought that allows you to invite her out of your head (whoever she was) to clean up the chocolate wrappers and bring in a wrecking ball to get rid of all remains”

From Pam Houston; Not Istanbul in “The Other Woman” a collection of essays edited by Victoria Zackheim.

I think I’ll be looking to get the wrecking ball in soon.

Image Credit: Green Looking Witch Like Creature by Victor Habbick/freedigitalphotos.net

I would NEVER stay with my husband if he cheated!

no chanceI’ve heard it! Haven’t you?

So… many… times…  So confident in its delivery. Never, never, never, NEVER!  If I discovered my husband was unfaithful he would be history.  Well, bravo to you and to your confidence!

You see,  this is exactly what I said BEFORE I discovered my husband’s adultery. I believe this is what every wife says whilst in her marriage and her husband is (or she believes he is) faithful. Really, think about it, what woman marries a man thinking that if he were to decide to cheat on her she would be alright with it. OK, perhaps not alright with it, but of the opinion that it would not be grounds for splitting up.

Now, some women, agree to open marriages. This is different. This means that there is no betrayal, lies or deceit. She is aware of exactly what her husband’s sexual activities are. Of course she won’t leave her husband if he has sex with someone who she has consented to. Why would she? Unless, she gets fed up with the idea one day and then lets him know that she doesn’t want it anymore and if he can’t change she will have to leave him. Again, that’s different. Interestingly, even open marriages can suffer from the shit created by adultery. You see, if a husband in an open marriage decides that he is not going to be honest about everyone he shags and opts to lie and deceive his wife, he is committing adultery. A wife in an open marriage would experience the same levels of betrayal. Not something she signed up for.

In monogamous marriages there are, without doubt, women who do not stay with their husband after adultery and do not even attempt any reconciliation. This may be because when they thought about their marriage it was deemed not worth saving. The adultery was the death knell of an already dying marriage. Maybe their marriage was on the rocks and heading for divorce anyway. Perhaps the adultery just speeded up the journey. They may also decide to leave their husband because they really don’t want to stay with a man who they know has cheated on them. It really is too big an ask. They find out that they will never stay with a husband who cheated! They recognise that it would be impossible to heal whilst still with their husband. (Equally, I don’t think any wife should stay with her husband only because she fears divorce. This is not reason enough to stay and in the long run will probably cause further heartache). I respect the choice to leave as much as I respect women who choose to stay and attempt reconciliation. The journey is no easier than staying but a new life can be created from the ashes of the old after the healing has taken place whether together or apart.

There are also women who choose to stay and work on their marriage but decide to leave at a later time because the marriage has not developed in the way they had hoped. After exhausting all the other options for reconciliation it has not worked out as expected. Unfortunately, neither staying or leaving is an easy option but they are the only options available to the betrayed wife. Both options create huge, big life changes and alterations of perceptions.

You see, what I’m trying to say is, you really don’t know what you will do until you are faced with the situation. We can surprise ourselves. I always feel an intense sense of awe when I read about the resistance fighters in the Second World War. I cannot, absolutely cannot believe the bravery they showed in the face of such terrors. I feel ashamed that I would be a coward. BUT, the truth is, until I was to find myself in that particular situation (and I really hope this never happens) I have no idea if I would be brave or not.

There is no shame in staying and there is no shame in leaving a betraying spouse. Once we get out of the romantic syrup of Hollywood and start to confront the demands of the human condition we start to see the complexities of all relationships. Acting aghast that someone might stay with a straying partner is ingenuous in the least and spiteful at the most.

From what I have discovered about adultery I now think I see it everywhere. It’s as if we need adultery to understand monogamy better. It’s a terrible waste of human emotion and the collateral damage is horrifying but it seems it sharpens the understanding of what it takes for monogamy to be rooted at the centre of the marriage. I wonder how many betraying husbands have found themselves in a hole that they have dug (with the help of the OW) and they can’t get out because they’re frightened of their wives finding out and leaving them. What about an amnesty? Let’s STOP the adultery and work on monogamy. Admit to the deceit and betrayal, find out what you have to do to stand any chance in having an honest and committed marriage. We seem to sleep walk into extra marital relationships yet stumble and fall horrendously when respecting and retaining a monogamous relationship.

I’m three years into my post D-day marriage. I know a great deal about adultery and am fortunate to have a strong marriage back in place which understands what we have to value in order to sustain it. Staying, with a husband who wants to help you to heal from the pain that he inflicted and who is truly remorseful is not an easy option but for me it has proved the best option.

For all of you women who are just starting out on what you hope to be the road of recovery I wish you courage for the journey as you learn to accept that you are a woman who has chosen to stay with her husband after adultery.  This may be an aspect of yourself that you never knew even existed! But you are choosing this because you hope, in the end, he is worth it!

Image Credit: No Chance Means Not At All And Decline by Stuart Miles/freedigitalphotos.net

Why blog about adultery?

funnyIt’s funny don’t you think?

How we blog the pain that we experience from adultery?

What are our motivations?

Is it mostly helpful or might it be destructive?

I’ve been giving some thought to this recently.

I am now just past three years from D-day. THREE YEARS! I can’t believe that I have actually typed this length of time. I remember when I first started exploring adultery beyond my limited but devastating experience and I discovered the book written by Anne Bercht entitled “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me”. It wasn’t just the title that alarmed me (truth be known, I wanted this to be true!) it was that she said it took her two years to come to terms with her husband’s infidelity. I remember the despair I felt. Two years? That long? However, her story did make me face up to the fact that recovery might be a long process and somehow I internalised two years as the magic time frame for me. Unfortunately, two years didn’t do it for me and I remember a depression descending when I realised this. I wasn’t sure if I could carry on with more of the same shit or whether I needed to face the fact that I wasn’t someone who could ‘get over’ the adultery and that I should consider separating from my husband.

I realise that newcomers to the tragedy of adultery will despair at this blog post. The time span for the misery and emotional labour must appear like a void waiting to swallow them up. I know, all I wanted was for the pain to go away, for the triggers to stop igniting my fury and for trust to reappear and our marriage to be ‘normal’ once more. All as quickly as possible. I write to myself today to disabuse myself of any notion of a normal marriage and for any ideas that I had that recovery from adultery was going to be for a short period of time only. It remains a work in progress. However, I also write to myself to say that my hope has paid off. Marital recovery is possible after adultery. It’s a complicated recipe, no two adulteries, like no two marriages are alike, but with the right balance of ingredients it can be achieved. Things are not the same. I will blog about the changes in another post but really, how can we expect to live without change. The only predictable thing about life and love is its unpredictability. I’m sure that my marriage would have changed over the course of the last four years but I may not have been as conscious or as aware of exactly what these changes were. Not like I am now.  I am hyper-sensitive to us.

Without doubt, the stories of other women facing adultery and their courageous blogs have helped me enormously. As have the generous comments and responses offered on mine. In actuality, I think that recognising my specific experience of adultery from within the kaleidoscope range of infidelity and betrayal has helped me keep anchor when I feared that I was adrift in an ocean of pain, anxiety, anger and isolation. For every word written that has resonated with me I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I was encouraged and prompted to write about adultery by the author Isak Dinesen’s claims about life, loss and narrative: “All sorrows can be borne if you put them into a story or tell a story about them.” To her, the explanation of life seemed to be in its melody, its pattern. I’ve certainly looked for patterns myself and blogging has proved to be the perfect medium for me.  However, I wonder if my story needs to be continued to be told or whether it needs to end or whether beginnings and endings and repetitions are all part of the same story. Graham Greene starts his novel ‘The End of The Affair” with the words “A story has no beginning or end: arbitrarily one chooses that moment of experience from which to look back or from which to look ahead”. This sort of sums up my blogging. However, I also recognise a remaining hunger in me with regard to coming to terms with my pain. It is not as raw as it once was and I really do feel that a great deal of healing has occurred but the scars run very very deep and the memory of my husband’s adultery still has the capacity to paralyse my thoughts. So, rightly or wrongly, I continue to blog.

“Sometimes I think that if it were possible to tell a story often enough to make the hurt ease up, to make the words slide down my arms and away from me like water, I would tell that story a thousand times.”  Anita Shreve: The Weight of Water

Image Credit: Smiley Character On Laptop” by njaj freedigitalphotos.net

How I found out about my husband’s adultery

time bombD-Day: Three years and counting…

Yesterday was August 3rd.  It marked three years since my D-day.  My husband bought me a dozen red roses and took me into town for the day.  We had lunch in a fabulous French restaurant in Covent Garden and took our time just mooching around the town I love.  We also met with my daughter, his step daughter, for coffee.  All in all a lovely day.  I even surprised myself.  I felt no desire to punish him or even mention the adultery.

In recognition of the anniversary and as a register of how far I have personally travelled since becoming a betrayed spouse I have decided to commit to record the series of texts that Pig Shit chose to send to me two days after my husband dumped her.  My responses are in red. Apart from hiding actual names the texts are all verbatim, including the grammatical errors.

August 3rd 2012 (17.13) Sent from Pig Shit’s mobile phone:

Hello [My first name]. This isn’t a easy text to send. Obviously you have no knowledge of me. I have some information you might need to know about. I believe [My husband’s name] is living with [Husband’s friend’s name] in Surrey now after moving out of my home in the Midlands on Wed. He originally moved in 6th July. [Husband’s name] has been having an affair since Aug 2011 and I am concerned he might try to worm his way back to you in [Town where husband and I live] because he is unable to live alone. He has caused us all a lot of heartache in the last few months so I’m sorry for all the lies he told you so we could spend time away in Derby. Rotterdam, Hull and Oxford. I have text messages cards presents and photos of us together. [Husband’s name] did informed me he will be going to Africa for a month, obviously running away from all the deceit. I hope now we can both move on with our lives and find happiness we both deserve with a more genuine man Jx

Forward me some of his texts please

Just back from boat trip. Battery nearly dead, text only at moment. Been thinking of you all day my love, can’t wait till I take you away to the sun:* Miss you xxx <3

Welcome home babe will call later Missed you xx:*

 Hope your new plants are doing well! Missed you madly this w/e, can’t wait for Holland really excited (big kid). Love you SOOOOOO much xxx

Cool I know you mean it. We will have a good life together, that’s written in the stars:* No joy when you are out with your friends but ur heart n mind are elsewhere Not long babe xx

 Wish I was there with you my love, can’t think of anything but you xxx

Can I ask for a photograph of you together please?

Do you really need to see that [My first name]

Yes please & it will be used in the divorce.

OK when you get the official papers I will certainly send you what you need.

Then, the following morning, she sent me another text…

Sent 4th August 10.35 from Pig Shit’s mobile phone:

[My first name], [Husband’s name] has a file with photos of us on his computer. I can’t believe in 24 hours the animal made love to us both. I will post his Paul Smith tee-shirt ect down to your address.

Marko is a married man were you so naïve as to think he wasn’t making love regularly to his wife!

THE END

Just to provide a little context; when I received her texts, my husband and I were together getting ready to go to a dinner party to celebrate our reconciliation.  I had asked my husband to leave our home on the 6th July after I became exasperated by his absurd behaviour and inability to communicate with me what was wrong.  I had no idea he had gone to live with another woman.  Within ten days he was begging to come home and we spent the next couple of weeks agreeing the terms of the reconciliation.  This included meetings with his mother, my daughter and lots of meetings between us for me to try to get to the bottom of things.  Foolishly I had thought that he had had a mid-life breakdown.    So, when he left Pig Shit’s house he came straight home to me.  There was no friend he was staying with and certainly no plan to go to Africa.  He had fed these lies to her in the stupid hope that she would just go away.

Image credit: Time Bomb Tnt Dynamite by vectorolie via freedigitalphotos.net

Adultery: 100% pure fiction cake!

cakeFiction Cake; What a lovely title for a book about adultery. 

I came across the term ‘fiction cake’ last week. Firstly it made me chuckle as it’s such a neat way to describe someone or something that is blatantly fake but then I stopped chuckling when I realised it could be used to define adultery and infidelity. I started to think about all the fiction that is ‘out there’.  What better place than to start with the fiction of my husband’s adultery?

Fiction: literature that describes imaginary events and people. Something that is invented or untrue. I’m stretching the definition here for my own purpose because it is not really literature it is actions and feelings and thoughts that are fictional here.

Imaginary events

I had a marriage that was ‘affair proof’.  Clearly not!

The ‘dates’ between my husband and Pig Shit. They were never dates.  They were simply meet’n shag events.  One night stands in hotel rooms in the main.

They fell in love. No, they fell into a lust pit. Intimacy was not developed over time, sex was practiced with gusto! Pig Shit brought along all her sex toys to their first meet’n shag and in the period of one year she and my husband had 12 meet’n shag events.

My husband left me for Pig Shit. No, my husband told her this but the truth was  I asked him to leave the family home.

My husband was living happily with Pig Shit. No, she thought this.  Wanted desperately to believe this as true but my husband was at my front door in ten days begging to come home. We met on several occasions before I agreed he could come home.

Imaginary people:

My husband. He was presenting a representation of himself for the few hours that he was with Pig Shit. She thought he was loving and kind and that they had a future together. He was betraying his wife. He was lying and cheating to a woman who loved him dearly and who he had been in a relationship with for over ten years.

Pig Shit. She was presenting a representation of herself for the few hours that she was with my husband. She was clearly desperate to have any man and would bend to fit my husband’s limited availability. She acted all kind towards him. In truth she was a vindictive cow who showed her true colours when he unceremoniously dumped her.

Me. The wife who won’t get hurt if she doesn’t find out. I may not have known about the adultery per se but I was experiencing the pain of suspicion which hurt like a creeping cancer. My husband and Pig Shit were delusional to think that a) not knowing wouldn’t hurt me; and b) his dishonesty and deceit would not manifest itself within our relationship.

Something that is invented or untrue.

My husband loved her because he said so and sent texts which said the same thing. All a crock of shit. He never loved her, said he did to keep the sex sweet and never stopped loving me, his wife.

It’s a love affair. Never. He dropped her like a ton of hot bricks as soon as I said he could come home. Never spoke to her again.

Single women date married men because they don’t want commitment. Rubbish. There is no shortage of single men who run a mile from commitment. Pig Shit thought she was in a committed relationship with a married man. Go figure!

Something was wrong with our marriage. Er, no! We had been getting along just fine. A few weeks earlier had had a wonderful romantic holiday. The adultery caused problems in our marriage.

My husband left me to be with Pig Shit permanently. Er, no. Not permanently, and to be honest even if I didn’t take him back he wouldn’t want to be with Pig Shit as his permanent partner. Not his type outside the bed sheets.  My husband enjoys what’s between my ears as well as the physical stuff.

Adultery is harmless fun. I have written elsewhere about adultery being a wasteland, and about it being a fantasy land. Adultery breaks people.

Monogamy is easy. No monogamy is dead difficult and it cannot be taken for granted.

Marriage is happy ever after. No, living with and loving someone long-term is a challenge for everybody. It takes courage, determination and continued commitment.

Adultery breaks up the marriage. No it doesn’t. An entire marriage is not flawed if an affair comes to light, rather it is inappropriate behaviour by one party. The truth is, many marriages survive and become stronger following adultery

The BS gets all the pleasure. Some may, but others are wracked by the consequences of their actions.  An affair can be devastating emotionally, not just for the spouse who has been betrayed but also for the tortured soul who is doing the straying.

Try again but with someone new rather than with the partner who has fallen from the paradigm of virtue. Why?  If I had a great marriage before the adultery and I think I have a chance of happiness in the future, why not work to restore our marriage.  Not give up on him or us.

Image Credit: Piece Of Delicious Cake,isolated On White Background by kdshutterman via freedigitalphotos.net

The Hacking Of Ashley Madison

cashley getitoffI hate the website Ashley Madison and all websites that promote adultery as a bit of harmless fun.

Breakfast in bed with the Sunday newspapers is a habit that my husband and I engage in regularly. Yesterday, page 15 of The Sunday Times caught my eye instantly!  A full page spread, the top heading, huge and in pink stated “High Infidelity”. Smaller print said “what happened when an adultery website was caught with its trousers down”. The story was about the hacking of Ashley Madison’s (Life is Short. Have an Affair) data base of names, financial details and sexual preferences of up to 38m clients. There is such a thing as Karma I gleefully thought!

Stephen, a 44 year old banker, married with three children uses Ashley Madison for affairs and one night stands. Once he knew the site had been compromised he ditched his mobile phone that cannot be traced and erased his adultery ‘dark net’. Whilst some of his friends have confessed to their wives, Stephen is going to take a calculated risk and hope that nothing further materialises. He says the shock has made him realise he has been taking his wife for granted.  He goes on to say “I’m done with this crappy lie that infidelity is harmless.  It’s deadened me to my own life and I’m refocusing everything into our marriage now.  I’ve booked the nanny to cover a weekend while I take Sasha (his wife) away.  I told my current fling it was finished before I wiped all my devices.  I’m clean for good now”  Do you believe him?  I want to.

Stephen is one of 1.2m people to have signed up with the site of which 70% are men. Currently women don’t pay to join so their details are not available to hackers. John Lucich, a computer expert and author, interviewed Ashley Madison’s bosses for his book Cyber Lies, one of the first publications to advise spouses on how to tell if their other half is cheating online. He has followed the hackers (Impact Team) with interest. His view is that Biderman the CEO and members like Stephen – had it coming. He believes that it’s the truth that matters and that Ashley Madison had foolishly thought they had nothing that hackers would want. Wrong!

Whether the Impact Team release everything or not the outcome will be interesting.

Elle has written a brilliant blog post at the Betrayed Wives Club which pauses to consider the wives of all these men. Although pleased that something has gone massively awry for a detested organisation and delighted that it might cause some of the subscribers to rethink their behaviour, Elle is sensitive to the impact that disclosure of names and details would have on the wives.

They (the husbands) made the choice to cheat.

But not their wives. They don’t deserve to discover that their husbands have betrayed them by reading about it on the front page of a tabloid. They don’t need the additional pain of having to explain to their children just what Daddy has done and why the kids at school will be whispering. Or to face the embarrassed silence of their colleagues at work.

Of course, she’s right. I agree. Disclosure is a whole issue unto itself and public disclosure just adds to the misery. So I too hope that the Impact Team decide not to release their data. However I do think that the threat of disclosure may have an additional positive outcome as well as prompting men to rethink their infidelity.

A little while ago I wrote a blog post ‘Dating for Adulterers’ about the business growth of Ashley Madison. I was concerned that Ashley Madison had plans to float on the London Stock Exchange this year. It aimed to raise £135m in order to expand its international market. I would like to think that the activities of the Impact Team will make investors question its viability on the market and put a stop to Ashley Madison raising its desired finance. This would be a positive outcome. The Evening Standard reported on July 21st that analysts believe that the website may be forced to scrap its planned £130 million London share flotation after it was the victim of a disastrous (sic) hacking attack.

Dating-industry analyst, and editor of Online Personals Watch, Mark Brooks said: “They’ve hinged their entire existence on privacy. It’s definitely going to affect their IPO plans. It’s going to reduce the value of this company. People prize their privacy on online dating sites. This is compounded 1,000 times on AshleyMadison.com over a typical dating site.”

The same paper reports that “the Impact Team claims to have complete access to the company’s database including user records for every member, but has so far released just limited amounts of data. It says it is prepared to release all customer records unless the site is closed”.

Have the Impact Team been reading our blogs? Is it possible to shut the wretched site down?

But perhaps there are alternative actions that might be taken to close the site? In 2013 Ashley Madison met with staunch opposition in Singapore when its government blocked access to the site because they viewed it as a “flagrant disregard of our family values and public morality.” The minister for social and family development spoke out against the Canada-based website’s planned expansion into the state and said it was “damaging to the institution of marriage”.

Facebook was used to gather steam in this successful protest. The organiser of the Facebook protest, a businessman who has identified himself only as Mr Tan, told Singaporean daily My Paper that Ashley Madison was “a systematic and orchestrated propagation of deteriorating values”.

“We cannot allow (the promotion of extramarital affairs) to become mainstream,” he said.

Hear hear!

Interestingly, I recently received an e-mail from a woman who makes some interesting comments with regard to Ashley Madison.  She says:

Hi, I just read your latest post and couldn’t agree more.  I’m in a similar situation and went through huge triggers this week with the Ashley Madison hack.  (My husband used it and I found his messages.)
I just wanted to share my idea.  I found it made me feel better to report Ashley Madison’s facebook page as a HATE page … and some of the disgusting posts as PORN.  Of course Facebook didn’t agree but as I went through the process, I was eventually able to write down my reasoning and submit it.  My husband also did this which helped me feel we’re on the same team.  This is what I wrote:
 
While Ashley Madison does not specifically target a gender or race, it does promote hate by ridiculing, humiliating and degrading people in monogamous partnerships.  Since the male to female ratio is drastically off, this in effect is prejudicial against women.  It also promotes abusive behavior as anyone who has found themselves in the trauma of realizing they have been living a lie can tell you.  Even worse, it helps inflict trauma on children whose families are dramatically torn apart.  With the recent hack into Ashley Madison’s database, its days as a viable company are numbered and more and more members of the public are becoming aware of its extreme anti-social addiction-promoting, degrading and cruel nature.  I would hope Facebook would not allow such an organization to promote itself on this site.  I am not alone by far.  
 
 
I could have added a lot–such as your story where cheating led to violence.  Not to mention the children who enter poverty when families are destroyed….
 
For a while my husband thought the FB page was fake because (and this is funny) it is so sleazy.  But I went to the official website and clicked on the FB button, so I believe it is for real.  
 
Anyway, if any of the recovery blogs want to share the idea, I think it would be awesome if enough people complained and got it taken down!  I understand if there are reasons you don’t want to, though.