I never meant to hurt you!

heartThis is what my husband claims about his adulterous behaviour!

Can you believe this???

For almost a year he texted, phoned and met up in various locations for dirty sex with a single mum with two teenage children.  The first shag was Thursday 8th September and the twelfth shag was on Tuesday 19th June (in time for Pig Shit’s 50th birthday on the 21st June). During this time, he says his major worry was how I would react were I to find out.  So, keeping the whole sordid and squalid relationship a secret was his way of not hurting me.  Go figure!  This is twisted thinking and doesn’t go anywhere near the core of the pain I experienced BEFORE I found out about Pig Shit’s skanky involvement in my marriage.

It is clear that he was delusional to think that a) not knowing wouldn’t hurt me; and b) his dishonesty and deceit would not manifest itself within our relationship.

The Pig Shit year was a YEAR of pain for me.  The pain of SUSPICION.  It HURT liketears hell.  It was like a silent creeping cancer that affected EVERYTHING!  Everything.  During that year I experienced fear, anxiety and an enormous drain on my pride and self confidence.  I sensed the invisible boundary that he had set up but I could only guess as to why. I constantly had this sinking feeling that something bad was happening  and on reflection I guess that in a sense I knew without knowing.

Communication was awful during this entire year.  We were OK if doing habitual stuff and in auto-pilot, even going on holiday together, but anything else created lonelya discomfort that I couldn’t put my finger on.  I recognise now that this was because he was scared of having a ‘risky conversation’, a conversation which might alight upon some factor of his adultery that I would pick up on.  Equally, I became trapped in a self-inflicted silence.  I could not speak about this to anyone and so an uncharacteristic isolation entered my world.

Looking back I can now see that what I experienced as events between us were in fact symptoms of the real problem – adultery.

The finding out about it has given me back my sanity.  Good job really as I need heaps of it if I’m to continue to work on repairing our relationship.

I am reminded of a study by Martin Seligman who at the time was working on his theory of learned helplessness.  I think it has elements that connect to how I was made to feel during the Pig Shit Year.  Seligman’s work involved rather unpleasant experiments with dogs.  The one I’m thinking of is where he yokes two dogs together,  (so think of me yoked to my husband).  One pair of dogs who were harnessed together both received electric shocks, however one dog (Dog A) was able to stop the shock by pressing a lever.  The other dog (Dog B) had a lever but it didn’t work.  I think you’ll know which dog I’m identifying with!  When the experiment stopped, Dog A recovered quickly, whereas Dog B who had ‘learned depressionthat the shock was ‘inescapable’ learned to be helpless, and exhibited symptoms similar to chronic clinical depression!  It wasn’t the awful experience per se (both dogs were subjected to the misery) it was the seemingly randomness and lack of control that had this devastating effect on the poor dog.

So, husband, you may say that you never wanted to hurt me but the truth is that the moment you made the decision to do something wretched and unkind, which you knew I would not approve of, and you chose to take any control away from me, you started to hurt me.   Equally, if the dog experiment holds any clues for the rebuilding of our marriage, it means that recovery for you is far quicker than recovery for me.

So the bottom line to EVERYONE is – there is no way on earth that you can avoid hurting your spouse by committing adultery.  For one night, one year, one decade! Even if the truth NEVER EVER comes out!  If you think otherwise you are delusional!

Image Credits: Damaged Heart On Old Paper by fotographic; Crying Businesswoman by jesadaphorn; Woman Expressing Vulnerability In The Middle Of Nowhere  by Sira Anamwong; Depression,3d Man Sad On White Background by David Castillo Dominici; all courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net


3 thoughts on “I never meant to hurt you!

  1. Sherry

    I have heard that line more than once from my husband….”I never meant to hurt you.” I’m sorry, but in my mind, he did mean to hurt me. He made the choice to cheat knowing it was wrong. He knew it would hurt me but he did it anyway.

    1. marriagerecovery Post author

      Thanks for your response Sherry. I think that the betrayers have a warped mind-set at the time. They think that if we don’t find out we will not be hurt. They just totally underestimate their coldness, distancing from us, and appalling behaviour whilst they are committing adultery.

  2. Elsie S

    That is what my husband tells me constantly. “I did not want to hurt you”

    The idiot went on a quest of happiness. He was sex deprived, and she is nymph who told me that sitting next to him aroused her (even in the office). His voice aroused her. Quite a great match, I must say.

    But you know, it was not me. It was him.

    So, if I remember the “it was not you, it was me” thing, and I forget the whole thing, we will be all good. Pretty bright, huh?


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