Recognising Marital Recovery

whereWhere are we now?

“Where are we now? The moment you know You know, you know” David Bowie

It was our wedding anniversary yesterday. Husband took me to lovely hotel, had a fabulous romantic evening and came home this morning. In so many ways we are where we have been for most of our lives together. Happy in each other’s company. We are a lovely couple, I don’t doubt that for one moment. However, we are also, in many ways in a very different place. I know that he betrayed me for a bit of skanky sex with a woman who meant nothing to him. I know that in order to do this he distanced himself from me and became a very different man to the one I fell in love with. So, when I look at him now, I sometimes wonder if he will ever be that detached man again.

However, the whole miserable adulterous crap heap does seem to have changed him for the better. It’s like he has returned as the man I fell in love with but now is totally committed to us. It’s strange but I thought he was committed previously. How would I know any different? Now I know that I was blind to his immaturity. I projected my beliefs and values on to him and after a few years forgot to touch base with him.

But I can’t yet say that I have changed for the better. I have changed. I look at the world of romance and couples so very differently now. I can no longer be entertained by the romantic comedy genre. At the hotel yesterday there was a middle-aged couple who were all over each other. Touching, hugging, kissing. The man got up at one stage and returned into the hotel (we were all in the grounds of the hotel, it was a lovely sunny day) and was missing for a good while. I turned to my husband and said “he’s probably ringing his wife, getting that task out-of-the-way so that he can get on with the woman he was with”. Cynical eh?

Several times during the course of our stay I did bring up Pig Shit. Not in an angry or confrontational way because I certainly didn’t want to spoil our time but in a more resigned way. He did ask if we could not talk about it as it was our anniversary but I could not oblige. You see, the whole mess may have receded in the past few years (nearly three years since D-day; four years since adultery commenced) but it remains nestled in our marriage and I cannot ignore this. Our anniversary seemed an appropriate time to bring up Pig Shit. The adultery could have stopped us from ever celebrating any further anniversaries.

What I did realise over the course of yesterday is that we have a strong marriage. Incredibly strong! It might not follow the script that I had written for it and it has certainly included characters that have subsequently been banished from our lives, but we are together. We can talk about Pig Shit and the betrayal. We can share memories from before the adultery and we can share the fresh memories that we have worked hard to create since D-day. We can look forward to a future together and whatever that may bring our way. Good and bad.  My husband has finally grown up and it is a very welcome attribute. Before the adultery I thought my husband loved me. Since the adultery I know my husband loves me. Qualitatively these are worlds apart. I like this one much more.

Where are we now?


Where are we now? Where are we now? The moment you know, You know, you know. As long as there’s sun. As long as there’s sun. As long as there’s rain. As long as there’s rain. As long as there’s fire. As long as there’s fire. As long as there’s me. As long as there’s you.

Image Credits: The Five Ws Signpost” by artur84/


3 thoughts on “Recognising Marital Recovery

  1. Valkyrie-mad-but stable


    I’m changed too and look at the world of romance ‘completely,’ cynically. However now, hopefully if you saw us (middle-aged-couple) you’d think we were mad about each other. (Funny how I was the “Betrayed Wife,” viewed as “frigid” right? Wrong.

    And find myself looking at couples or random people in general and wonder….mmmmm”Are you a cheater too?” Wish all the ‘cheaters,’ had a little red dot’s above their heads! ho-ho

    Work diligently at managing my rage and tendency towards emotional flooding but I’m like you, I speak my mind and I still ask questions if they arise . What happened is far from forgotten and as you said beautifully “it remains nestled in our marriage.”

    I say to my husband, “Try Telling The Truth,” because that’s when our relationship became a rocket ride….

    I’m still haunted by ghosts (hatred for our OW), or wondering that old “what if it happens again?” Will I have, “My Yoko,” moment? But I watch those thoughts realizing that no matter what happens….. I’m proud of how I handled this tsunami of pain, shame and regret…… and that I will be alright. The Lights are on in our house no more infidelity fog…. not that kind of sorrow and darkness.


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