What is this female desperation for a man?

crumbsWhen I think about the woman who my husband committed adultery with I am always puzzled by her motivation to participate in such a miserable experience. To give herself to a married man in return for crumbs fallen from the table of our ten year relationship.  Why was she prepared to put up with being second to me?  Why was she prepared to be sexually available at his convenience?   Why, if she had been betrayed herself would she want to inflict this on to another woman? Why would she willingly embark on an affair with a married man when she had already done so for three years previously and had been unsuccessful in getting him to leave his wife for her?  It makes no sense to me.

Pig Shit was/is a single woman. Twice married and divorced with a string of unsuccessful relationships under her belt.  If she wanted a relationship with a man (and she certainly did) why didn’t she seek available men on dating web sites?  Why was she prepared to ‘date’ a married man who lived with his wife?  How did she handle the jealousy?  Why would any woman engage in something so destructive as a relationship with a married man unless they were desperate for something that they felt they could only have with somebody else’s husband.   I suspect that Pig Shit is either unable to attract an available man for a relationship and/or unable to function effectively in a committed relationship.  Therefore when a married man shows interest she eagerly reduces any aspirations for a single, available man because here’s an opportunity to get what she wants.  A man in her life.  At a price that she is willing to pay because she considers herself nothing without a man.

 

Some women do not need a man to feel complete and are able to live autonomous lives, capable of living alone and liking it. I personally enjoy a committed relationship and prefer to share my life with a significant man but not to the exclusion of all else.   There are other aspects to my life that are hugely valuable and which shape my selfhood.  Feminism, without doubt has improved the lives of women in the west but it appears to have been unable to silence the internal chatter of many women which focuses thoughts on finding a man with whom to complete their identity.  I don’t think that men have ever felt they needed women in quite the same way.  Historically, men have always been able to establish their status and fulfil their potential outside their relationship in ways that women in restricted lifestyles were unable to.  We may have freed ourselves from many of the restrictions placed upon us in the past but I fear that some women have maintained the mental chains that tie them to a patriarchal view of womanhood.     As Penelope Russianoff in her book; Why do I think I am nothing without a man, aptly states “women have, indeed, come a long way – socially, sexually, and to a lesser extent, economically.  Emotionally, however, they still have a long way to go.”  The late Russianoff was a psychologist, feminist therapist, writer and an expert on teaching women how to assert themselves, all in addition to maintaining a private practice.  She said that about 95% of her female patients thought they were nothing without a man.  She characterises the ‘void-without-a-man’ feeling as “desperate dependence”. 

 

My husband’s OW was a single woman and this is a particular form of infidelity. In fact Richard Tuch describes it as a syndrome; “the single woman-married man syndrome”.  Initially the man might be viewed as having the more powerful position than the single OW but this is just something the OW goes along with.  Permitting this illusion is something the single OW offers in return for his continued interest and involvement with her.  However, at a later point this control shifts and he starts to fear that if he were to break off the relationship she would retaliate in order to hold on to the relationship at any cost.  It is interesting to note that within 48 hours of my husband dumping her, Pig Shit retaliated by texting me with information about herself and my husband.  I often wonder if this was a last ditch attempt to keep my husband.  How many single OW manipulate their married lover in this way along with their little caches of sexual tricks. This is not romance it is desperation.

 

The unabashed narratives that OWs create to justify their involvement with a relationship that clearly has no future are remarkable. However, they also offer a glimpse into the desperate nature of these illicit sexual encounters.  The sexual revolution that occurred with free oral contraception and women’s entry into the world of work seems to have gone awry for some women.  Mistaking permissiveness for liberation, women’s sexuality, especially when applied to adultery, has simply provided men with what they desire – sex without strings.  I’ll accept that for some women permissive sex may be perceived as liberating but it does not need to happen with married men.  When was there ever a shortage of men wanting causal sex? The type of feminism that supports women having sex with married men is a feminism that lacks female imagination!

 

Elizabeth Gilbert in her article: Confessions of a Seduction Addict, in the NYT magazine in June of last year illustrates the point.  Her indiscriminate permissiveness is dressed up as seduction.  “Seduction was never a casual sport for me; it was more like a heist, adrenalizing and urgent. I would plan the heist for months, scouting out the target, looking for unguarded entries”. She says that seeking out men for sex had nothing to do with either love or sex; it was the thrill of seduction that she sought.  If the man was already involved in a committed relationship, she worked at being ‘different’.  If he needed to sneak out of his house after midnight in order to call her she believed she was his “irresistible treasure”.  Nice way of putting it Gilbert but I’d say that you could just as easily be called “easy pussy”.  She goes on to say “But over time (and it wouldn’t take long), his unquenchable infatuation for me would fade, as his attention returned to everyday matters. This always left me feeling abandoned and invisible; love that could be quenched was not nearly enough love for me” – or for him, clearly. She says it took her twenty years to recognise that stealing other women’s boyfriends didn’t make her a revolutionary feminist; it made her a menace. To whom I wonder?

 

Why all this hard work?  Charlotte Allen writing for the Independent Women’s Forum suggests a more likely perspective on events.  “Um, Elizabeth, there’s an easier way to accomplish this trajectory. Here it is: Go to a bar an hour before closing time.

 Another way of phrasing ‘his unquenchable infatuation for me would fade’ is: ‘I’ll call you.’

And if there’s someone specific you’ve got your heart set on to ‘win,’ here’s another tip for making it easier in 99 percent of the cases: Invite him over (or drive over to his house) and be wearing something scanty and lacy when the door opens. See! You don’t need to ‘plan for months’ after all!”

Allen suggests that Gilbert was behaving in this way as a sort of desperation at not feeling desirable. “The most desirable women don’t need to scout; they have men orbiting around them like GPS satellites”.  For Allen, Gilbert is not a ‘seduction addict’  but a gal who has made the mistake of thinking it was a big deal to get some men to go to bed with her.  In agreement with Allen, I really don’t think it’s difficult to get men to have sex with you.

 

Miss Sarah J Symonds is another desperado. She is now, allegedly, an ‘infidelity analyst’.  What qualifies her?  Well, not qualifications.  She proudly claims that she spent fifteen years of her life as a serial mistress.  Looks like desperation for attention to me. Symonds claims to fame include an affair with Jeffrey Archer and a so called 7 year affair with the celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey.  Ramsey denied it but even by her accounts it didn’t amount to much – 7 shags in 7 years to be precise.  Symonds, like Gilbert considers her behaviour to be an addiction.  She set up ‘Mistresses Anonymous’ a website for helping women to wanting to get out of a toxic relationship with a married man and has defined 12 steps with a 13th step being alcohol.  Apparently, she is swamped by women in despair!  All these helpless women in unhappy relationships with married men not knowing how to get out.  Oh pleeeeease!   Of course, there is a book – Having an Affair published in 2007 and she has appeared on Oprah.  When asked if she ever thought of the wife and possible children at home she replied that she didn’t because he wasn’t thinking of them either!  She now considers herself reformed.  If she is, there’s no humility in the mix.  The arrogance is breath-taking.

 

Finally, a third single OW who appears equally unable to successfully form a committed relationship and who contents herself with being second best. This time, a feminist academic  who charts her miserable and toxic relationship with a man in a committed relationship.  This has dispelled one of the myths that I had built up around Pig Shit.  I had thought that only an unintelligent , uneducated and socially unaware  woman would  allow herself to be treated so poorly in a relationship that she could walk away from.  Lauren Rosewarne is living proof that none of these attributes protect a woman from making a fool of herself.  It is also clear that feminism per se does not support the committed relationship.  Perhaps it should.  Rosewarne also recognises as did Russianoff that “many female identities are defined by the absence of a male partner.  These ideas reinforce that coupling – however achieved – is the single woman’s raison d’etre.” She also points out that “inequalities that plague committed heterosexual relationships are often amplified in infidelity”. 

 

Rosewarne writing in her book: Cheating on the Sisterhood, has also recognised the limited choice of some women that may prompt them to become the OW rather than be on their own. “For some, involvement with a committed man empowers them to design a relationship to suit their needs.  The limited nature of infidelity matches their low needs and demands, but for others a limited relationship is imposed when the choice for more is not available.”  For Pig Shit, where there is no available single man, her relationship with my husband could never have been called empowering.   She probably considered herself hopeful when in fact she was merely gullible.

 

Rosewarne continuously wanted more from the committed man than he was willing to offer. “The reality for many single women and certainly for me, is that they want more from the committed man.”  This in part explains the willingness to accept so little.  “She fears offending the man, of causing him to dislike her and abandon her.  It prevents her from asking for more.  She accepts crumbs because they are better than nothing. No matter what he might be doing now, some contact is better.  This rationalisation means she lowers her standards of what constitutes acceptable behaviour.”

 

Not only does the OW accept minimum contact, the irony is “the single woman wants to understand why such a good decent man is cheating and will analyse his relationship to find cracks.” Rosewarne felt sorry for her committed man and actually empathised with his situation.  However, there was no opportunity, ever, to feel for his betrayed partner.  She goes on to cite Michael Vincent Miller from Intimate Terrorism “We have grown careless with one another’s lives to an unprecedented degree, more willing to take each other for granted, more able to destroy one another on almost any pretext of meeting a need, from wanting sex to wanting someone else’s Nike Basketball shoes.”

 

All the OW really gets is the married man’s non-exclusive dick. She offers low maintenance appeal to the man which is “a direct result of the restricted nature of the relationship – not what she’d tolerate in a committed relationship”. But I wonder if this is true.  What wouldn’t Pig Shit tolerate in a committed relationship?  Would she really expect more?  Why can’t Pig shit establish a long-term relationship? Is it because she allows men to treat her like shit, so they do?

 

How about the jealousy, knowing that your lover is going home to his wife? Rosewarne says that “for most of the time I simply saw her as the cause of his problems and my impediment to being with him.”  She pretended she didn’t exist and boxed out the woman who was being betrayed.  “In my case, not thinking about their sex life had nothing to do with a fear that I might be affecting a happy relationship.  In fact, it had nothing to do with alleviating guilt at all; it was simply about alleviating my pain.” Rosewarne is searingly honest about her affair.  There is neither romance or glamour in the narrative.  She, like Gilbert suggests that the man is seeking not better than his wife, just different.

 

The lying and deceit of the married man is also rationalised away. “Although the clandestine relationship is built upon her lover’s betrayal of his wife, the OW is unlikely to imagine he may also be betraying her – that his relationship with his wife might be more emotionally and sexually satisfying, as well as more frequent than he lets on.”

 

I keep coming back to the notion of desperation as the only understandable motivation for being the OW. “Perhaps the self-esteem of the OW is so impaired that she is content that any man is interested in her and instead of construing the relationship as abusive, accepts it as ‘as good as she will get’.” What if she’s never experienced a loving committed relationship?

 

For Rosewarne, as for the majority of OW, it did not end well.  He left his partner but chose not to be with her.  Sadly, she does not regret a minute of it and would, if asked, return to him in a heartbeat. She was entertainment, companionship, sex and conversation for him.  She functioned like a second car or holiday home; a pleasure within the illicit encounters but put back in the box afterwards.  But this was enough for her!

 

How many desperate single women are just waiting in the wings until the opportunity presents itself to snare a man? I find my whole relationship with women and with feminism shifting on the sands of adultery. What is it, about women, that  allows such hostility towards an unsuspecting and vulnerable wife in the name of sexual liberation and freedom of choice.  It’s not good enough to say that the sex doesn’t matter.  Doesn’t matter to whom?  My husband’s sex with Pig Shit’s sex mattered a lot to me. It’s not good enough to say that if he doesn’t think about his wife, why should you.  Firstly, you don’t know that he is not thinking about his wife (he’s hardly likely to tell you) and secondly, when did two wrongs ever make a right?  Being a single woman is not a deficit model of womanhood.  Desperation is not attractive and only sexual in the short-term.

 

I was never desperate to have my husband stay with me. I asked him to leave when his strangeness became a problem.  I did not engage in any ‘pick-me’ dance; I didn’t even know that there was anyone else on the dance floor. Pig Shit offered to buy husband a new bed, get her breasts enhanced (I am well endowed), buy a kitten (we have a cat) and have central heating extended to the room that he would use as an office.  He told her there was no hurry.  No hurry, because he wanted to come home.  He did not want to live with her.  She must haveangry pig luxuriated in the feeling of having won but never realised what she was really competing with – the power of our love, our history and memories, our traditions and our hope for the future.  She was not concerned that I did not know about her UNTIL he dumped her.  It was then, that her faked indifference to me took the form of hatred.  Pig Shit cut me with a million cuts.  I guess that in her desperation it made her feel better.

 

 

Let me leave you with the words of Laura Tracy from her book; The Secret Between Us; competition among women cited by Rosewarne.  It makes for depressing reading but I think it forces us to face the unpalatable truth about ourselves as women.

“The notion of feminist sisterhood often leaves us with an aching sense of distress.  It denies what women know: that we can be spiteful, mean and malicious.  When we think of each other as sisters, we dwell in the dream of sisterhood… sisterhood is not a dream at all.  Sisterhood is painful, incomplete and occasionally humiliating.  It is marred by distrust, disapproval, rejection, bitterness, envy, jealousy, despair and hatred.”

As Rosewarne goes on to say; “womanhood in reality is a bitchy, catty, backstabbing dystopia.  At the same time, it is a wonderland of closeness and intimacy and the kind of understanding that frequently fails to traverse the sex lines.”  Isn’t this so true?  I’ve found the blogosphere to be such a wonderland of closeness.  Perhaps we are a micro-sisterhood?

Image credits: Cake Crumbs by artur84; Cartoon Character Pig Angry by saphatthachatDownload via freedigitalphotos.net

 

Advertisements

35 thoughts on “What is this female desperation for a man?

  1. Cherished

    Holy cow! My OW sounds a lot like yours. My husband is her second married man. You would have thought she would have learned after the first one dumped her. She’s not a stupid woman, by any means. What she is, however, is desperate not to be alone in the fact of her youngest going off to college. She is also a master manipulator. Whenever, during their 4.5 year “relationship”, my husband would quit talking to her or break it off with her, she would buy him things or give him money. We have always struggled financially, so this was her way of keeping him on the hook. He told me the other day that there were times during their very infrequent trysts, that he would look at her and think about how hideous she was and that she was so old, and looked the part. But she knew what buttons to push to keep him around, since he gave her the darned playbook when he told her my flaws. I’m convinced that these women just have zero self-respect, that they would knowingly accept the scraps. The OW in our case, would stalk my Facebook and other social media and complain to hubby that she hated when we went out on dates or did fun things. He told her, “I’m married to her. What did you expect would happen?” To me, that is very telling.

    Reply
  2. owlieme

    I remember that interview with Symonds, it stayed with me because I remember thinking she wast horror, in the true sense of the word. Having come full circle with a bout of infidelity I recognise that like a second rate b movie the horror of the OW only exists in the unknown. Once you’ve seen the puppet strings she holds little fear, although the act of infidelity is a trickier beast to put to bed. Great post x

    Reply
  3. lemondrop1966

    God I hate Elizabeth Gilbert. My idiot husband told me the following: what did he find attractive about her? She’d have sex with him. She was free pussy at work. She gave him sex to get attention, he gave her attention to get sex.

    She’s married with 4 kids and uses sex and blow jobs with her boss as a career planning step. She’s 50, it hasn’t worked yet. I do think she hates women and has serious daddy issues. Pathetic woman. This was a great post!

    Reply
  4. Dr. Elisabeth

    Very well written. It says it all.
    I got an example in “Megalomania” (26) post. The cliché story of the boss who has an affair with the single OW. Of course, he dumps her as soon as his wife finds out. Not ever did he even contemplate to leave his wife! The OW is dumped! ….and what did the OW get out of this? The illusion of fame and importance so similar to the would-be-stars with no talent on reality t.v. Your mentioning of the silicone filled bags and some other “perks” further fits the picture. I pity them….

    Reply
  5. somuchhurt

    I struggle with this so much the wondering why she did it or what she was getting from it? The OW in my situation was my friend and she knew he wouldn’t leave me. They spent very little time together and he gave her nothing, never took her anywhere? All they had were the few times he slipped off early in the morning to fuck her and as soon as I figured it out he dumped her and never spoke to her again! What was she after? I think she just set out to destroy our marriage which she did I couldn’t get past it and divorced his cheating ass!

    Reply
    1. T

      Sounds way too much like my “evol story”. How long had u been married and after finding out he had cheated, how long did you stay before you started the divorce??

      Reply
      1. somuchhurt

        Hey T! I’m sorry you are going thru this horrible shit too! We were together 17 years when I caught him having an affair. I knew I wanted a divorce from the beginning and I started getting my ducks in a row and it took me about a year to file and then another year for it to be final. I was never into reconciliation but he was so I let him try to make it up to me. It was really hard for me because I wanted out and he was trying so hard. It made me feel like I had done something wrong

      2. T

        OMG I know exactly what you are saying. I have been with my husband for 13 years (married for 10 this August). I found out he cheated one time in 2010 then slept with the same scuzz bucket several more times in 2012. I didn’t find any of this out till 2014 but when I did, all hell broke loose. I loved my husband with all my heart so when I found this out (and who he cheated on me with was a so called “friend” of mine) I literally lost my mind. I did fight real hard to at least prove to him that he made the biggest mistake ever! And now, he does do everything he possibly can to assure me how truly sorry he is but now that my emotions have settled or what not, I feel as though no matter what he says or does, I know what he DID and that alone is enough for me to say goodbye. It took me over a year to find my “voice” again but I will never feel the same for him. Now it is up to me to start the divorce process, yet I feel bad cuz I know he is really sorry but its just too late…

      3. somuchhurt

        I know what your saying because although I felt like I wanted out from the beginning, he was trying so hard and a part of me hoped I would get past it and we could stay married and move past this but it never happened. Actually the more time that went by the more I realized the reality of what they done! All the lies, deceit, betrayel and right under my fucking nose! It had went on for moths before I even became suspicious? Some days I still can’t believe it. And the way she acted towards me like such a good friend, coming to visit me ALL the time and we would talk, cut up and laugh, hang out and go do things together and behind my back she was destroying my family! How could she even look me in the eye? They are both just horrible people. There is no way I could have done any of that and been able to walk around acting so happy like I didn’t have a care in the world and was doing nothing wrong – I will never understand how anyone could act like that?

      4. T

        No freakin doubt! I guess I need to read your blog cuz your story sounds way too much like mine. And yes, as time has gone on, the more I realize how pathetic and disgusting my husband and the whore are/is. I was “friends” with the whore. We would hang out and she would tell me I was her best friend, little did I know she was just messaging my husband saying how much she wanted to suck his dick. The whole thing makes me sick. I think it could have been anyone else and maybe I could have possibly forgave him. He didn’t ever say he loved her and it only happened a handful of times but still, knowing what they were doing and knowing that they were doing it behind my back and still trying to get us all to hang out all the time- is just despicable! I really don’t know how ppl can live with themselves being that terrible!!

      5. somuchhurt

        I feel the same way! If it would have been someone besides my friend I might could have gotten past it? I don’t understand why that seems like it would make a difference but yet it does feel like it would. I think it’s because all the shit we seen them do right in front of us – and I can’t even explain it but now when I think of something I seen/heard one of them say or do – now of course I know why!

        Hang in there girl I would like to tell you it gets better but it hasn’t for me yet – but I’m just now starting life on my own so I think it will get better it has too. Now that I can start to heal. Oh I don’t have a blog! I have thought about tho 🙂

      6. somuchhurt

        After about 6 moths I realized I couldn’t stay and went and talked to a lawyer. It took me six moths to get things in order to file and pay the lawyer. I didn’t tell him I let him get served then the divorce took over a year! And he has taken me back to court since we signed – he’s fighting it! That’s why I can’t heal – he doesn’t stop!

  6. LPA Wife

    This is so well written. Trying to understand the affair partner’s mindset is something that I still struggle with today. I would like to ask her many of the same questions I’ve asked my husband — what were you thinking? How did you justify his to yourself? What about me, the innocent?

    I’d also like to ask her specifically about the “sharing him knowingly.” As soon as I found out about her, I made him choose. How could she live with knowing he was with me 98% of the time? My husband says it’s because they were more “fuck buddies” than lovers, but still. I think that it would haunt me. Actually, I think it did haunt her — the best explanation for her demeanor towards me during and after the affair.

    No matter. Being willing to engage in an affair on any level exposes a huge character defect that, one way or another, needs to be addressed if those involved ever want to be one half of a healthy relationship.

    Reply
  7. Taking Back My Life

    I have also contemplated why a woman would have sex with a man knowing he was having sex with another let alone married! Why having drinks in secret so no one would see you together would make you feel ” special.” Or sex at her house always ending with him coming home to his wife.
    One of the things I hate the most about my husbands affair is that he repeatedly told her he loved her. Part of an iMessage to her was “I love us” and then her nauseating response ” That makes me VERY happy. I love you, this, us too!” How do the betrayed move past these kind of words to another woman. He says he got caught up in it and blah blah blah that we all have heard before. It literally breaks my heart. I have a husband who is disgusted with his behavior , feels total remorse, and has shown love and commitment to me now. The problem is that I am disgusted with him too.

    Reply
  8. Dr. Elisabeth

    it is the thing they say when they have sex…like a justification. it means NOTHING.
    My two cents.
    The words are easy. demonstrating love is hard.
    Loving is giving…none of the takers are givers…incapable of doing that.

    Reply
  9. transformation

    I think this flows both ways. I’ll quote Dr. Frank Pittman again on his conclusions about men and affairs: “Infidelity flows from a belief that women have the power to make you feel like a man if you can only find a woman that thinks you’re perfect; if you can only find a woman that you haven’t hurt or disappointed yet.”
    I think people who wind up in affairs are both desperate – the women believe having a man – any man – makes them worthy & the men believe having an adoring woman makes them worthy. Two damaged people who don’t know how to feel like worthy human beings all on their own using other people to fill those empty places inside them. Key word there for me is USING. Emotionally healthy, grown-up people don’t USE other people like objects for their own self-gratification or to make them feel better about themselves. This has been a key point in my personal healing & is a new benchmark in all my relationships – I need work toward being a complete person all on my own regardless of any of the relationships in my life. Hard work, but worth it.

    Reply
    1. T

      “I think people who wind up in affairs are both desperate – the women believe having a man – any man – makes them worthy & the men believe having an adoring woman makes them worthy. Two damaged people who don’t know how to feel like worthy human beings all on their own using other people to fill those empty places inside them. Key word there for me is USING. Emotionally healthy, grown-up people don’t USE other people like objects for their own self-gratification or to make them feel better about themselves:…AMEN!!!!

      Reply
  10. TigerLily

    You know, if MC and I don’t work out, I don’t want another relationship that I am tied so tightly to ever again. However, whomever I may share a friendship and intimacy with, I will need that person to be an honest person in their lives, their actions and their words. Any evidence to the contrary is a deal breaker. And, I think that is where I don’t understand the motivations of the OW.

    I don’t ever again want someone who is committed to a life of deception. Whatever my fears of intimacy may be going forward, accepting friendships, relationships, whatever with those who are committed to lies and deception is unacceptable. And, I don’t understand why OW find that acceptable.

    Reply
  11. horsesrcumin

    Never felt that man need, either! And yeah. Micro-sisterhood it is. Thank God for one spot of sanity when we often feel insane. And thank you for some interesting references to follow up on, MR 👌

    Reply
  12. Elsie S

    Sad to be scouring your blog; I wish I never had to search for blogs on infidelity.

    I always wonder why women want to lend themselves to married men, and your post is so insightful, plus full of resources that as a freshly “hurt” person like me would like to go over.

    Reply
  13. valkyriemad123

    M-Rec

    Your posts work through me for days, weeks and months. They inspire further digging and researching validating experiences and observations.

    “When was there ever a shortage of men wanting causal sex?”

    (Reminds me of Anthony Giddens views of male entitlement and historic use of women bodies throughout the ages. That is the framework).

    What alarms me more though is how women collude.

    The other day I decided to google Howard Stern. Went back to youtube 1998 to watch HS “Made a women cry.” As one of his male judges said “I don’t feel bad these women do this to themselves!” Here a woman strips in front of a male panel to be ‘rated’ as a potential playboy centerfold. Many women apparently are willing to come into the studio and strip to be rated or expose themselves for a “Hat.” (?) The show “Girls Gone Wild” young women exposing themselves to the camera. For me, they all seem to have the same face, the one in all pornography, seeming to say, “Pick Me,” sultry, angry, shyly, coyly. Manipulation? Oh, please “pick me.” ALL of them answered yes that various men had been telling them they were ‘hot’ and could be centerfolds prior to exposing themselves in this way. ALL of them…..
    (I have not read Peggy Orenstein’s new book about sex and teenage girls but assume it will be more of the same)

    Why would pig shit any woman purposely engage with a married man? Here is an opportunity to get what she wants. However SHE becomes the opportunity (and the “Mark.”) Women like Rosewarne (feminist academic), Elizabeth Gilbert (self aggrandizing mate poacher). All OW want “To Understand why such a good decent man is cheating and will analyze his relationship to find cracks.” These ladies will infiltrate the family abode, going through medicine cabinets, books on shelves, clothing style, family pictures, while staring at the wife’s shoes….just to determine how to be ‘different enough,’ to capture her lovers heart – away from the wife.

    M-Rec you have inspired me to re-read Ariel Levy “Female Chauvinist Pigs.” And Moran has lead me to read Catherine Mackinnon (Women’s lives-men’s laws) and Andrea Dworkin (Heartbreak). Here are women who were maligned and hated for speaking truth to power and those who collude with that power. Remarkable women who don’t ask that question, “Pick Me.” But even Moran doesn’t spotlight something that haunts me:

    A perverse female narcissistic need for male attention. That trumps an sense of humanity.

    These OW I am writing about want to be picked at all cost and the “arrogance is breath-taking”
    “All these helpless women in unhappy relationships with married men not knowing how to get out.” “And when asked if she ever thought of the wife and possible children at home she replied that she didn’t because he wasn’t thinking of them either!”

    I can never shake the instinctual feeling that my husbands mistress would have willingly carved and gutted my daughters, in order to get closer to him. It is chilling. For something so banal as his faux, “Attention.”

    And if we think of the OW willing to not only use their own children (Pig shit) but those of their lovers in any manipulation it becomes as someone dear to me pointed out “The greatest betrayal between women” and One that is rarely talked about.

    Again, I’m so grateful for your essays! and all the comments here. And will second Horses comment, “And yeah. Micro-sisterhood it is. Thank God for one spot of sanity when we often feel insane. And thank you for some interesting references to follow up on, MR”

    Love to all of the Betrayed Sisterhood

    Reply
  14. ijustlookbadonpaper

    This is so informative and very well written. I commend you for your in depth research. I am only now dipping my toes into understanding what happened to me. I appreciate having found this blog. Thought the OW in my life, were married, SAHM. Thank you, again.

    Reply
  15. Cherry Burst

    I am currently a single woman in love with a married man. Yes, I have infinite guilt. I hate that I’ve made his wife—who seems like a wonderful woman—an unwitting accomplice in this affair. I hate that I’m hurting someone because I’m selfish and in love.

    But I am both those things. I don’t believe in the premise of marriage, partly because so many of these infidelities exist. And I never have understood that pull, that draw, that inclination toward lifelong commitment. There is so much room for failure.

    I didn’t expect to fall in love with him. We both met on a kink/fetish chat network, and most of the men there are married (many of the women, too). I wasn’t looking for an actual relationship; he was very forthcoming with the fact that he was married, to a woman he loved. But sexually, their turn-ons didn’t align. He and I hit it off intellectually, personally, emotionally, and sexually. It was intoxicating to meet someone whose brain worked the same as mine does. As mine always has.

    I am far from a slut. This “relationship” (two years, off and on, with only one physical tryst) (he isn’t local) of two-and-a-half years is my first sexual experience. Because I have specific fetishes, I’ve never trusted anyone enough to let them get physically/sexually close to me. This man made that feel safe, and OK, and comforting.

    Do I respect myself for it? No, not so much. I am happy that I am going after what I want—and I’d be lying to everyone if I said I didn’t want him, for myself. I made that clear to him as soon as I realized it. And that was a hard thing to admit.

    What it comes down to, for me, is trying for my own happiness. We go after a job we want, a friendship we want, … this is human nature. We are greedy and terrible and are driven by our base desires. If he left his wife—which I think he is too cowardly to ever do—I’m sure she would be gutted, miserable, shocked and alone and angry. But I’ve spent two years angry and alone, and 20 years searching for someone who understands me. Why am I forbidden from pursuing this man I want, because he made a pact he obviously can’t commit to?

    I need to try for my own happiness. This is my one life, my one shot, and I need to give it my all. I’m sorry that I want their marriage to implode. But it’s his marriage—not mine. And I refuse to be held accountable for someone else’s mistaken, misguided life choice.

    We love. It lasts as long as it lasts. Then we move on. That’s life. And dammit it, I want my portion.

    I am very, very sorry for what you have gone through.

    Reply
    1. marriagerecovery Post author

      You rationalise your actions – I understand this. But for me adultery is wrong. Sure, you can fall out of love, realise you married the wrong person, want more – all of this is understandable but lying and cheating is not understandable. You should not expect to have your cake & eat it too. Let the wife know, let her make a choice for her life based on truth. He needs to leave his wife if he is so unhappy – irrelevant if you are in the picture. My bet would be on him never leaving her for you. Never telling her about you. A liar and a cheat. You all deserve better – including him. Adultery is a wasteland!

      Reply
  16. somuchhurt

    No I am not pathetic but I assume you didn’t realize I was talking to OW! Why do these whores come here with that mess when there are blogs for their whoring asses! I hate each and every OW on this earth because I know it’s not always the husband talking them into it. My OW wAs friend and he tried to stop it over and over but she just kept on And she admitted this herself! Tell the wife you adulterous whore!

    Reply
    1. marriagerecovery Post author

      Somuchurt, I have deleted my comment. You’re right I didn’t realise you were responding to the OW. I’m so used to OWs finding my posts on why I hate them (ignoring all the rest OBVIOUSLY) and posting their comments that I assumed you were replying to me. Apologies

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s