Blog Archives

89. Forgiveness #2 (June 3rd 2016) It’s like I’ve got to ‘meh’ (apathetic, uninterested, and indifferent). It happened.  Not my circus, not my clowns.  I don’t doubt for one minute that much of my ‘meh’ is a direct result of my husband’s behaviour over the past four years; his remorse and his behaviour towards me in helping me to heal.  I have also been resolute in my expectations of him to help my healing. But somehow this ‘meh’ which I see as acceptance is not enough.

88. Trust After Adultery (May 11th 2016) After experiencing adultery, one of the questions that cause deep anguish is “will I ever be able to trust again?” Unfortunately, this is a question that tugs deeply at our inner core of who we are and it is as tough to answer for those who decide to leave their cheater as it is for those who choose to attempt reconciliation. If you choose to leave you have to think about trusting someone new; if you choose to stay you have think about trusting someone who has betrayed you in the past.

87. Reasons to stay after betrayal (April 22nd 2016) Once you find out that your spouse has been unfaithful; has betrayed you and broken your trust in the most despicable manner, you realise that your life will never be the same. Every foundation that you thought you were standing on gets ripped out from under your feet and you have nothing but tumultuous free-fall.  In the midst of this whirlpool of despair which drags you to emotional depths you didn’t imagine you had,  not only do you have to somehow comprehend the horror of it all, you have to make a decision as to whether to remain in your marriage and somehow accept adultery or seek divorce.  Neither option is attractive; and neither option is one that you ever predicted you would have had to face in your lifetime.

86. What is this female desperation for a man? (April 12th 2016) When I think about the woman who my husband committed adultery with I am always puzzled by her motivation to participate in such a miserable experience. To give herself to a married man in return for crumbs fallen from the table of our ten year relationship.  Why was she prepared to put up with being second to me?  Why was she prepared to be sexually available at his convenience?   Why, if she had been betrayed herself would she want to inflict this on to another woman?

85. Adultery and the Future of Commitment (April 1st 2016) If I’m honest, I don’t think that I had any strong opinions about adultery until I found myself at the receiving end of being betrayed. Why would I?  I was happily married and therefore thought it just happened to other people who were unhappy in their marriages; an exit strategy of sorts.  I didn’t think about it as a bomb being planted in a trusting place.  It seemed simple from a distance.  Plus, if you’re not told, how do you know what couples are about to implode? 

84. Adultery and Its Collaborators (March 14th 2016) We all know that it is our spouses , and ONLY our spouses who are to blame for the adultery. I  personally cannot remember blaming anyone else; ever.  We blame them, and quite rightly so, for individually betraying our trust and throwing us to the dogs of non-considered consequences.  We hold them responsible for their bad choices and our subsequent misery and heartache.

83. Adultery, Prostitution and Male Sexuality (March 3rd 2016) I realise that I risk being labelled a puritan, a prude, frigid even, but I am starting to realise that there is a world of sexual activities out there that are, to some, totally acceptable whereas to me they are offensive; particularly to women.  For me, my husband’s adultery has always had a sleazy, back alley, degrading, b-film aura about it.  

82.Men Who Cheat – What the Other Woman Needs To Know (February 23rd 2016) Sometimes I feel that I have arrived on a different planet. Planet Adultery. A place where most people commit adultery and where we are led to believe that monogamy is unnatural and adultery an acceptable response to this belief.  What is happening?  Why is an expectancy of fidelity in a relationship now being considered unreasonable?  Why is the bitter truth of the emotional carnage of adultery kept secret?  Why is the sexual act of adultery flavoured with erotic undertones whilst the distasteful and often sleazy aspects of illicit sex and betrayal are ignored?

81. Why My Husband Committed Adultery (February 11th 2016) Like all of us, I thought that the answers would eventually come from my husband. The truth is, they may do but in three and a half years since D-day I’ve been unable to obtain satisfactory responses to the why he behaved as he did.  The three major responses have been: ‘I was a f**king idiot’ (accurate yes, helpful, no!); ‘I don’t remember’; and ‘It was just sex’. 

80. Trust is A Big Ticket Item (February 9th 2016) Understanding trust as a big ticket item.  A bit far fetched I know even by my standards but I do love a metaphor or analogy and sometimes the more bizarre the clearer the insight.  Maybe? This particular idea came to me as I was drifting off to sleep last night.  I was wondering how I could emphasise the gigantic proportions of trust needed for a marriage to survive in any meaningful way; most especially if the trust has actually gone; destroyed at the root by the act of adultery.

79. Infidelity: Two Blog Posts – Two Perspectives (January 29th 2016) I have recently read two blog posts and want to note my responses to both. They are not related to each other, or to my blog, but in content they have, at the core, the OW and as I have just posted on this very topic, subsequent to being harangued by an OW trying to tell me what an idiot I was to attempt to reconcile with my husband, my feelings are close to the surface. Both blog perspectives are from Betrayed Spouses but they have starkly contrasting approaches to the OW.  One verges on the sympathetic and the other on the damned outrage.  Chalk and cheese.

78. The Other Woman: More deluded than I thought! (January 27th 2016)  I have gained an interesting insight over the last couple of days from OWs who have chosen to respond to some of my blog posts. I realise that I have underestimated their capacity to be delusional.

77. Is my thinking about adultery an obsession? (January 18th 2016) I decided to focus on the topic to see if I could enlighten myself on the possibility that I might be wrong and in so doing found a book written by the late Daniel M Wegner, an American social psychologist, entitled: ‘White Bears and Other Unwanted Thoughts; Suppression, obsession, and the psychology of mental control‘.  His insight is based on a wide range of psychological research and I found his conclusions to be congruous with my experiences and helpful in understanding what might be obsessional.  It would appear that I simply have what would be considered to be ‘normal’ obsessions.

76. Adultery is Abuse (January 12th 2016) I have been grappling with the idea of adultery as a form of abuse for a while now. The reason for this has been that I have been unable to find any definition or accurate articulation that comes close to describing the severity of what I have experienced 

75. Dear Single Women Who ‘Love’ Married Men So Much They Let Them Use Them As Booty (December 5th 2015) As a betrayed spouse, I find it incredulous the amount of abuse you put up with in order to have the attention of a married man…

74. Forgiveness (November 29th 2015) I have observed that “forgiveness” can be used as a weapon against the betrayed spouse.   Forgiveness is held up as an essential action in overcoming the betrayal, a magic ingredient that can assuage all the hurt and anger whilst at the same time allow everybody involved to “move on”.  If the betrayed spouse doesn’t work on forgiveness, remains angry and outraged at the audacity of their spouse then their behaviour is somehow pathologised.   The betrayed spouse is transformed from an individual who has been significantly wronged to an emotional miser who denies kindness and mercy…

73. Over it? An interesting concept (November 26th 2015) A couple of nights ago H mentioned that I had not brought up Pig Shit or had any mini-meltdowns for a quite a while.  He let slip that he thought I might be ‘over it’… 

72. Ugly Blog Trollop (November 13th 2015) This blog post includes a verbatim reply from an Internet Troll.  As you’d expect, it’s  an inflammatory message with a deliberate intent to provoke. Whilst I have no wish to inadvertently provide any such entertainment, I do want to identify and respond, in my own way, to the miserable phenomenon of trolling which is a pernicious and insidious activity, particularly shameful when directed at betrayed spouses…

71. Adultery: Socially Tolerated – Individually Unbearable (October 29th 2015) It seems to me that adultery has become socially tolerated (the Ashley Madison hack provided a brilliant but missed opportunity to explore this phenomenon) whilst at the same time, at an individual level it remains unbearable…

70. Responses To Betrayal (October 23rd 2015) My response to my husband’s betrayal has been to stay together and work towards a recovery of sorts. My marriage is recovering but it is quite different now.  It would have to be wouldn’t it; I’ve changed and so has my husband so our relationship follows suit.  I’m tougher than I was (I don’t believe that life gets easier or more forgiving, it’s just that we get stronger and more resilient) and husband has joined the ranks of the grown-ups.  I mostly now grieve; for what we both lost by his decision to betray me…

69. Inside The Adulterer’s Mind (October 16th 2015) Firstly, my husband’s faulty thinking can be described as irrational thinking. Husband did NOT think about his love for me, his future tied to mine,  our hopes, or my feelings.  He did NOT weigh up the huge risk he was taking.  But this is not unusual.  It would appear that we are barking up the wrong proverbial tree if we believe that when it comes to making important decisions, when it truly matters, people think carefully about their options.  This is a suggestion made by a new branch of psychology concerned with economic behaviour; behavioural economics… 

68. Adultery is a private matter between the adulterer and his or her spouse (September 28th 2015) He [Greenwald] places all his cards on the deck when he says “but whatever else is true, adultery is a private matter between the adulterer and his or her spouse.”But it isn’t is it? That’s just the point that he appears to have totally missed. It’s not a private matter between the adulterer and spouse. It is a private matter between the adulterer and other person they are having sex with. It’s a private matter between the adulterer, the other person and all the others who are complicit with and collude in the activity…

67. Adultery – Do Not Seek Rationalisation (September 25th 2015) I know the temptation to do so is HUGE. What you are doing is seeking a rational response to why you now have a shit-heap set of circumstances tipped on to your shiny fucking doorstep of a marriage thanks to husband dearest’s decision to shag someone else whilst married to you and not tell you! It’s what we do when we try to understand something alien to us.  But, with respect, let me advise you… THERE ISN’T A RATIONAL ANSWER. It makes me spit. Why do we do this to ourselves? It’s the therapists’ sludge. The stupid assumption that humans always act rationally. Hello! HELLO! Wrong!!!…

66. Choosing to terminate reconciliation (September 22nd 2015) When confronted with the truth that my husband committed adultery my first reaction was to tell him to fuck off. Repeatedly. I did this whilst hitting him. I did this whilst crying. When you move a boundary, life changes violently. I don’t know for sure when the moment was that I decided to let him stay along with the possibility that I would be prepared to consider a reconciliation of our marriage. Well, the truth is, the decision to let him stay must have been pretty immediate. I didn’t throw him out…

65. Integrity and the sting in its tail! (September 17th 2015) Integrity is a worthy thing is it not? A human characteristic that we would want to foster perhaps? However, in this topsy-turvy Alice in Wonderland world of adultery, integrity plays hide and seek and for the betrayed spouse, it actually has a nasty sting in its tail!…

64. Lying and Adultery (September 9th 2015) By lying, we deny others our view of the world. And our dishonesty not only influences the choices they make, it often determines the choices they can make – in ways we cannot always predict. Every lie is an assault on the autonomy of those we lie to…

63. My Marriage: Hanging by a Thread! (September 8th 2015) “Strength is important if we wish to know how much force can be applied without breaking the marriage.  Since breaking force depends on the shape and size as well as the type of marriage, then it varies from one to the other even if they look like the same type of marriage.”… 

62. Adultery: There are no satisfactory answers to why, but genuine remorse can heal the scars. (August 31st 2015) This is the conclusion that I have come to after three years (and counting) of marital recovery following D-day. I’ve been hooked on the ‘why’ for too long now.  Placebo had a point in the lyrics to their song ‘The Never Ending Why’…

61. The Other Woman in Your Head (August 24th 2015) Hello! Has the other woman taken up residence in your head?  Who said that she could? When is the eviction?  Hang on, who the f**k is she exactly?…

60. I would NEVER stay with my husband if he cheated! (August 21st 2015) I’ve heard it! Haven’t you? So… many… times…  So confident in its delivery. Never, never, never, NEVER!  If I discovered my husband was unfaithful he would be history.  Well, bravo to you and to your confidence! You see,  this is exactly what I said BEFORE I discovered my husband’s adultery…

59. Why blog about adultery? (August 18th 2015) It’s funny don’t you think? How we blog the pain that we experience from adultery? What are our motivations? Is it mostly helpful or might it be destructive? I’ve been giving some thought to this recently…

58. How I found out about my husband’s adultery (August 4th 2015) D-Day: Three years and counting. In recognition of the anniversary and as a register of how far I have personally travelled since becoming a betrayed spouse I have decided to commit to record the series of texts that Pig Shit chose to send to me two days after my husband dumped her… 

57. Adultery: 100% pure fiction cake! (July 30th 2015) Fiction Cake; What a lovely title for a book about adultery. I came across the term ‘fiction cake’ last week. Firstly it made me chuckle as it’s such a neat way to describe someone or something that is blatantly fake but then I stopped chuckling when I realised it could be used to define adultery and infidelity. I started to think about all the fiction that is ‘out there’.  What better place than to start with the fiction of my husband’s adultery?…

56. The Hacking Of Ashley Madison (July 27th 2015) I hate the website Ashley Madison and all websites that promote adultery as a bit of harmless fun…

55. My Marriage 13th August 2011 – 1st August 2012 (July 26th 2015) Interestingly, I have referred to adultery as a can of worms in a previous blog post and am now increasingly warming to the idea of my husband’s adultery as a vile and slimy worm.  (Sorry for any worm lovers out there)  The rose was my marriage. It looked so good on the outside and I foolishly thought my husband was a faithful and honest man.  However, I must admit to pangs of confusion, concern and doubt as the adultery progressed, as the invisible worm found my bed of crimson joy… 

54. Shame, Guilt & Adultery (July 26th 2015) The distinctions between feelings of shame and guilt. Firstly, I consider shame to be more rooted in social stigma (concern for what others think about what I’m doing) whereas guilt is more rooted in personal morals (concern for what I think about what I’m doing). Secondly, I think shame and guilt are key emotions in understanding how to deal with adultery once its messy head has surfaced. However, it gets mightily complicated as we dig a bit deeper…

53. Adultery – just harmless fun? (July 8th 2015) Do people really think that we betrayed spouses over react? By chance, the other week, on a flight out for a short holiday in the lovely city of Vienna, I was reading the Daily Telegraph, a British broad sheet, when I came across a small article entitled ‘Wife Stabbed To Death By Cuckolded Husband’. Only the smallest of articles it announced the murder of NHS (National Health Service) boss and magistrate Yvonne Davies, aged 46… 

52. Stories of Adultery (June 23rd 2015) Are the stories that we read, the stories that we tell, the language that is used, an important aspect of understanding adultery? In short, YES.  Very important…

51. Marriage After Adultery (June 19th 2015) What does it look like? Very Different? Slightly Different? The Same? Better? Worse? I’m afraid I find this an extremely difficult question because even after three years since D-day, I still struggle with the perception I have of my marriage following my husband’s adultery… 

50. Coping With Betrayal: My Secret Life (June 4th 2015) It is there all/most of the time and nobody apart from you is aware of it. Even husband would be surprised at the extent of my secret life. The ruminations, the compulsively focused attention on the symptoms of my distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, travel relentlessly up and down the ever diminishing corridors of my brain.  I need comfort from this.  What can I do but write?…

49. Single Woman, Married Man! (June 1st 2015) What sort of relationship did Pig Shit, a single woman have with my husband, a married man?  know that they met for sex.  I know that he told her that he was planning on leaving me.  I know that he said he loved her but he told me that he said this just to keep her sweet!  I know that he found it easy to dump her.  I know that he didn’t see her that often and used texts and phone calls to keep in touch.  I know that she was always asking to see him more.  I know that she got really angry when he and I went on holiday.  But what was it really like for Pig Shit?…

48. Anger and Letting Go of Adultery (May 29th 2015) Is it possible to view anger positively? Is letting go an essential aim in the healing process? Continuing my quest for a fuller  understanding of adultery and looking at sources not directly related to the issue I have found two, totally unrelated books, that have enhanced my perceptions with regards to anger and to the notion of ‘letting-go’. When first confronted with the reality of my husband’s adultery I raged like I have never raged before.  I became like one of the Furies in Greek mythology; a female spirit of justice and vengeance. They were also called the Erinyes (angry ones)…

47. The other woman’s hatred for the wife (May 21st 2015) Whatever it is, it’s an aggressive form of behaviour.  Equally, if a woman has no life of her own to speak of and desperately wants a man in her life then maybe once a month or whenever, a bit of sex dressed up as love and intimacy is better than nothing at all.  Better than the lonely feeling of being on the shelf, undesirable and  untaken.  Does her cruel behaviour stem from envy of those women who do have a partner, who have what she feels she deserves.   Envy and aggression are not often linked directly to female behaviour  because I suspect it is because they are hugely undesirable traits for a woman to have.  There’s probably a lot of denial going on…

46. Recognising Marital Recovery (May 11th 2015) It was our wedding anniversary yesterday. Husband took me to lovely hotel, had a fabulous romantic evening and came home this morning. In so many ways we are where we have been for most of our lives together. Happy in each other’s company. We are a lovely couple, I don’t doubt that for one moment. However, we are also, in many ways in a very different place. I know that he betrayed me for a bit of skanky sex with a woman who meant nothing to him. I know that in order to do this he distanced himself from me and became a very different man to the one I fell in love with. So, when I look at him now, I sometimes wonder if he will ever be that detached man again…

45. How does the Other Woman do it? (May 2nd 2015) Psychopathological behaviour – that’s how!… 

44. How adultery induces fear (April 19th 2015) Then, I got up to start preparing the dinner and WOW!  – it just hit me.  My bodily response to fear.  I had underestimated how much the film had frightened me.  My legs were shaky and I found it difficult to walk with ease when I first got up.  I felt ‘jumpy’.  I had an overwhelming sense of weakness throughout my entire body and although I started to prepare the chicken with my shaky hands I was aware of a deep feeling of dread engulfing me and I felt a little nauseous.   It took a while to shake it off but what I realised whilst it was happening was the familiarity of it all.  This is how I felt when I found out about my husband’s adultery.  I recognise now that fear came before my anger…

43. Cashley Getitoff (April 18th 2015) Life is Short! Deceive and Betray the Spouse who Loves and Trusts you…

42. Dating for Adulterers (April 17th 2015) I’m feeling a bit depressed! A bit powerless! Is it possible/desirable for a company that encourages and facilitates adultery to openly make a financial fortune? Will the stereotypical myths concerning adultery continue to ride rough shot over the painful truths of the consequences of such behaviour? Is adultery just going to boom and boom and boom until it goes bust along with everything that might have been thought of as family values?..

41. Seeing the adultery differently (April 11th 2015) I’m not saying that optimism is not a healthy disposition to have but it can’t be used in every set of circumstances, and at times it can almost feel oppressive when you are in the midst of a personal catastrophe.  As Santayana wisely notes, “contempt for mortal sorrows is reserved for those who drive with hosannas the juggernaut car of absolute optimism.” Adultery is a moral sorrow and therefore I don’t appreciate the sometimes upbeat optimism of thinking that my husband’s adultery might be the best thing that ever happened to me.  However, this does not stop me from trying to understand what happened, and maybe, just maybe, along the way I will change the way that I see things…

40. Adultery can only occur when integrity is absent (April 4th 2015) For my husband and for Pig Shit, inauthenticity and the fudging of integrity were a normal part of their relationship.  Instead of integrating, they did the opposite, they compartmentalised.  They took things which were related and stuck them in separate, airtight compartments in their minds where they didn’t have to rub up against each other and cause any pain or contradiction. Compartmentalisation is painless whereas integrity never is.  So, honesty, loyalty and commitment are simply parcelled up and compartmentalised and kept separate from other compartments.  If you compartmentalise the fact that your ‘boyfriend’ is married and goes home to his wife, you can simply put that to one side so that it doesn’t bother you in any way. Because it isn’t integrated with the rest of your life you can then act sisterly to women friends whilst engaging with misogynistic betrayal of a woman just because she is married to the man that you want to steal…

39. I am so fed up with adultery (March 30th 2015) Being stuck but wanting to move on… Not sure fed up truly sums up how I feel at the moment, but it’s a starting point.  To be honest, I’m finding it difficult to articulate to myself where exactly I am at the moment with regards to the healing of my marriage.  It’s a bit strange and unexpected but I’m struggling to navigate this part of my marital recovery journey…

38. Monica Lewinsky – The Price of Shame (March 26th 2015) We have a shortage of compassion and empathy in the world’ Yes, that’s what Lewinsky said amongst other things in her recent TED talk. Just watched it.  Had to.  Didn’t want to but foolishly compelled to hear what was said.  Needless to say I found myself spitting feathers whilst she received a standing ovation from the audience.  I saw one woman moved to tears.  WTF? Obviously she hasn’t been on the receiving end of marital betrayal.  All of a sudden, after a decade of welcome silence Lewinsky has reinvented herself as the patron saint of cyber bullying and is stunning proof that adultery can be rewritten for the other woman…

 

37. The Baggage of Adultery (March 16th 2015) I sometimes feel as if I am needlessly carrying bags and bags of luggage around with me on the road to healing from my husband’s adultery. Sometimes these bags weigh very heavy.  I’m not sure what’s in them and I don’t think I need to have them all with me.  I actually wonder if I might just throw them all away.  Well, at least get rid of those that don’t serve me anymore.  Learn to travel more lightly.    I also have a sneaking suspicion that some of these bags may not even belong to me.  Maybe I just picked up other people’s baggage on the way or possibly some people threw their luggage at me and I just accepted it?…

36. Staying after Adultery: The Road Less Travelled (March 13th 2015) Just over two and a half years ago I had a choice of roads to take in my life following the revelation that my husband had been unfaithful to me.  I could take the well worn and highly encouraged road that leads to divorce or opt for the road I had no idea about and which no one I knew was able to suggest; the road of marital recovery.  I took the latter and it has made all the difference.  I remain married to my husband and together we are building a different, more honest relationship that I hope will lead to a decent joint future for us both…

35. NOT MY CIRCUS (March 11th 2015) “Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys” A funny thing has happened to my thinking just recently.  I’m a bit scared to discuss it in case either I frighten the early shoots of recovery away or it proves to be a short term thing only for me to return to my old style of thinking. but, I can’t deny it… I have the sense that I am starting to LET GO! Two years and eight months post D-Day…

34. Understanding why adultery happens (February 20th 2015) After the initial tsunami of emotions and behaviours I made a decision to allow my husband to attempt to restore my faith in him and to commit to jointly rebuilding our tattered and torn marriage.  Without doubt, it is his determination that has provided the glue in all this. It’s ironic.  The man that caused me all this pain is the man who is helping me to heal.  However, for me to be receptive to his actions and to accept his remorse for his behaviour I have had to increase my understanding of adultery.  I have devoured knowledge around the topic like it has been honey and from understanding the bigger picture I have been able to come to terms with the previously unthinkable…

33. Advice for the Other Woman (February 20th 2015) Woman—Please: The man is a scoundrel. He was unfaithful to his wife. But you? What you did was so cruel, so half-witted, so dirty, so over the top, causing so much pain to so many people—and if any children suffer the slightest anguish because of your lie (if the man has kids and you cause a divorce)—I don’t want you to “clear your conscience.” Actually, I want you to go to a therapist…

32. Wanting the Other Woman to suffer (February 19th 2015) I’m not proud to be writing this blog post but I am in desperate need to vent my feelings.  I can no longer pretend that 2 years, ten months post D-day I don’t think about the other woman.  I feel that I have to be honest with myself and confront the awful feelings I am harbouring towards Pig Shit. I so get all the advice about being sensible when thinking about the bitch who shagged my husband.  So called experts suggest that I forgive her as well as my husband but I am finding it MORE difficult to get anywhere near forgiving her for helping to ruin my life.  What is the value in forgiving her when she shows no remorse for what she has done? I know, I KNOW, that my husband was the fuck wit responsible…

31. The Idiot Other Woman and Valentines Day (February 14th 2015) This has led me to consider the experience of Valentine’s Day to all the ‘other women’ out there and what stories they must tell themselves in order to accept their predicament.  Is it just more head in the sand behaviour? Paul Chevalier Gavarni (1801-1866) once said that “what looks like the truth is truth enough for fools” but surely, if the married man you are shagging is not planning on seeing you today and tonight what reason could be offered to excuse him? It can’t be for his children.  His wife can’t be forcing him to have a romantic night. How do you square this circle?…

30. I STILL LOVE MY WIFE (February 11th 2015) This is what my husband said to Pig Shit after he had gone to live with her and her two teenage children!..

29. Why married men return to their wives (January 16th 2015) Lately, I’ve been giving some thought to why my husband chose to work on his marriage to me and completely cut Pig Shit out of his life. If he had wanted to, he could easily have chosen to commit to her.  However, I don’t believe that was ever something that he planned to do.  From what I’ve read, some men are clearly looking for an exit strategy. (Why they don’t just leave an unhappy marriage baffles me – why do they need someone else to leave for?) However, some don’t have any intention to leave their wives they just want to have extra marital sex with accommodating women and to keep it a secret from their wives. They assume that they can have their cake and eat it too…

28. A Difficult Christmas (December 30th 2014) Twice, over Christmas, events have crept into my consciousness and caused havoc with my physiology.  The shaking, the shivers down my spine, the stomach flip that makes me initially feel sick and then rushes me to the toilet.  The dry mouth, the panic, the rage that starts to burn inside me.  The first event was putting up the tree.  As I was doing this I realised that I had been doing the same thing in December 2011.  I was making all the preparations, getting excited, organising family to come over, collecting the turkey, putting all the twinkly lights up.  My husband was also doing all the Christmassy things with me.  BUT, but… in December 2011 he was doing all these things knowing that he was going to schedule a shagging date for him and Pig Shit…

27. BETRAYED AND PROUD 27. BETRAYED AND PROUD (October 24th 2014) Is it possible?  Would it help me if I felt this way?  Might I stand, with my head held high, proud that I decided to work on my marriage, to save it from divorce even though my husband betrayed me?  Is it possible to be proud of a marriage that has weathered adultery and which bears deep scars and wounds which won’t go away and which only adultery can inflict?  Can I accept, with pride, that my marriage is no longer built on a promise of fidelity?  Might the world at large recognise that betrayed spouses who don’t kick the betrayer out are entitled to be respected for their actions?  Maybe…

26. Affairs: So What? (October 14th 2014) “If you fancy someone, and they fancy you, then you should be pleased and excited to be naked in a bed”  Not exactly profound and I would normally smile at such things but I found it impossible because she goes on to imply that adultery really isn’t a problem in marriages and long-term relationships.  It makes my blood boil! She begins by saying that she doesn’t intend to mount a defence of adultery but she “does wonder how much it matters to our hypothetical long-married couple”.  Well India, you don’t have to wonder – take a look at the betrayed spouses blogosphere sister – you’ll see how much it fucking matters!…

25. Pulling the Pain of Betrayal Out of the Hat (October 11th 2014) I want to rant about three things today.  They are all media depictions about adultery and as in most media coverage of this kind, what they all have in common is that the destruction caused by the infidelity and the pain felt by the betrayed spouse is magically removed or placed behind the screens…

24. Not giving up but perhaps not trying so hard? (October 9th 2014) Will the disgust and the pain ever leave?  Can I carry on?  He has done everything that a betraying spouse has to do to ensure a possible marriage recovery and I still love him dearly.  I feel like I need a rest from it all.  I’d like to just pretend that it didn’t happen, just for a while.  Stick my head in the sand  until I feel a bit stronger…

23. Married men are easier to ensnare! (September 23rd 2014) I was recently talking to a girlfriend who is on the dating scene and she is gorgeous.  However, she says that women are practically throwing themselves at men!  Then, the men are behaving very cavalier because they are getting sex easily (many shagging on the very FIRST date) and there’s a queue of single women just waiting to compete!  She says it is terribly easy to feel rejected but she is holding out until she meets a man who does want commitment further than a first few dates.  However, she also says that the older men (50+) are the most reluctant to commit, and in the main are looking for younger women.  So, this made me think about Pig-Shit.  She is not an attractive woman! Plus she’s quite dim! (Perhaps her greatest attraction?) She would shag the man immediately and then what?  He would go off to pastures new and she would be desperately alone again.  A married man is very different…

22. The Fantasyland of Adultery (September 19th 2014) In a previous blog I wrote about the wastelands of adultery.  I still have preference for this metaphor but recently found myself intrigued by a blog which suggested a “fantasyland” of affairs. This so-called ‘fantasyland’ is aligned to the strange new land that Dorothy finds herself in whilst searching for the Wizard of Oz.  Although offering a different perspective it is not incompatible with the notion of a wasteland.  It just depends on your context.  It is more from the betrayer’s perspective than the betrayed but it is an insightful piece that articulates the weaknesses of the betrayer and the pain that is inflicted by their actions… 

21. Triggers (September 16th 2014) I think I was expecting too much from my two year span from D-day which was  August 3rd, 2012. Don’t know why, but I had convinced myself that two years was going to be my duration of infidelity hell.  I reckoned that I’d be well and truly healed after this time.  Well, I have to say that I am sorely disappointed with the two year mark and sorry to have to admit this to any newly betrayed spouses just arriving at this wretched mess.  It has not gone quite to plan.  I believe that this is due to the continuation of triggers which occur at the oddest of times and in the strangest of instances…

 

20. Whatever Happened to the ‘Bit on the Side’? (September 2nd 2014) What respect does the ‘other woman’ deserve? Over the past few days I have found myself giving some thought to the names that are chosen to label the woman who is having sex with another woman’s husband.  In many quarters, I detect a certain amount of restraint.  ‘Other Woman’ is a favourite I think.  ‘Affair Partner’ is another.  All very civilised I have to say.  Now, I get where everyone is coming from with regards to behaving with dignity and recognising her as a human being with flaws of her own but I’m not sure that I buy into this civility… 

19. Cheating; a visceral response (September 1st 2014) Does anyone who hasn’t experienced adultery understand the anger that betrayed spouses feel? No, I don’t think they do.  People who haven’t experienced betrayal just don’t get it.  Friends of mine (well meaning ones) think that they understand my anger but from their comments they so DON’T!  Whatever they have been angry about in their lives will have no relationship to the anger of a betrayed spouse.  I think that betrayal and the anger that it produces is in a world of its own and cannot be likened to anything else.  In the two years since D-day, handling my feelings of anger has been my biggest personal challenge…

18. What adultery does to us (August 29th 2014) I didn’t start blogging until mid June this year which was six weeks short of two years since D-day, so much of what I have been trying to work out is being done retrospectively.  However, what I have not recognised until lately is how we have both been deeply changed by the wretched mistake he made.  He says he has changed and I feel a change in him, a change for the better.  He changed when he was having the affair and I realise now that he became a man I didn’t want to be with.  He changed when he returned and became the man I recognised…

17. Happy Ever After v Miserable Evermore (August 28th 2014) Over the past couple of years, since D-day I have gravitated to either end of the spectrum between happy ever after and miserable evermore.  If I’m honest, I think I was more often than not drawn towards the latter even though I had made a commitment to working on my marriage and my husband was giving me no reason to doubt his remorse and determination to make amends.  Looking back, I think that my  cynicism made me view everything through a warped perspective…

16. When the media condones adultery (August 13th 2014) Over the past few years I have become increasingly aware of the widespread devastation caused by adultery, especially the impact that it has on the betrayed spouse.  The creeping suspicion that eats away like a creeping cancer whilst the affair is going on, day by day slowly consuming self-confidence, self-esteem and sanity as you are constantly lied to and betrayed.  The life shattering disclosure that confirms your worst suspicions and then turns the world you know completely upside down.  Then the isolation and sense of failure and shame.  I consider adultery as a serious form of abuse.  So I was shocked and appalled when the NY Times chose to CELEBRATE a man’s choice to cheat and divorce his wife… 

15. The Wasteland of Adultery (August 9th 2014) This is the best way that I can describe what it feels like to be living in the aftermath of adultery.  I am the betrayed spouse and I have been walking around here the longest, but my husband is close by as is my daughter and friends and family.  Obviously there is also the Other Woman, Pig Shit, she’s in here somewhere.  It is a miserable and dehumanising place to be and I never expected to find myself here.  Do any of us?  Where did my husband think he was going?…

14. Asking if there’s someone else is futile! (August 7th 2014) So, my questions started.  Can’t recall exactly when or how but I do know that they got increasingly demanding of him and increasingly tangled.  Previous to this we were not a couple to quarrel.  We have always found it very easy to get along with each other but now we were having arguments over nothing!  Unsatisfied with any of his responses I would just repeat the questions in different formats and obviously this was driving him and I nuts.  BECAUSE, the truth is, he did not want me to find out!…

13. Choosing which wolf to feed! (July 30th 2014) In each human heart there are two wolves battling one another; one is fearful and angry, and the other is understanding and kind. Which one will win? Whichever one we choose to feed…

12. I never meant to hurt you! (July 25th 2014) This is what my husband claims about his adulterous behaviour! Can you believe this??? For almost a year he texted, phoned and met up in various locations for dirty sex with a single mum with two teenage children.  The first shag was Thursday 8th September and the twelfth shag was on Tuesday 19th June (in time for Pig Shit’s 50th birthday on the 21st June). During this time, he says his major worry was how I would react were I to find out.  So, keeping the whole sordid and squalid relationship a secret was his way of not hurting me.  Go figure! … 

11.  Should I Stay or Should I Go? (July 22nd 2014) For me, this question got seared on to my brain at the same time as I found out that my husband had been having sex with another woman and it continues to burn but with decreasing intensity.   My first decision (immediately) was to leave.  My second decision was to stay.  My third decision was to leave.   I won’t bore you with the details but suffice to say I’ve lost count over the past two years as to how many times my decision has changed.  And of course, it may change yet again!…

10. Predatory Women? (July 19th 2014) Mostly, If a man sees a good-looking woman on the arm of his friend he kinda thinks “wow, she’s hot, he’s lucky – I’m going to get myself one just like her”.  However when a woman sees a good-looking man on the arms of her friend she kinda thinks “wow, she’s lucky, he’s hot, I’m going to have him!”  Chris Rock…

9. Once a Cheater ALWAYS a Cheater? (July 17th 2014) It would be so good to know if this were true wouldn’t it.  However there is no simple answer to this.  Fundamentally it just comes down to our own philosophy, our belief system, what we think about human nature.  The question is can we change? … 

8. Condoning a friend’s adultery is NOT being neutral (July 13th 2014) What motivates people to go along with their friends adultery?  What story do they tell themselves to make it OK?  That it has nothing to do with them?  It’s their friends choice? Is it OK for everyone to be unfaithful or do they draw the line with themselves, or their family members?  Is this the world that they want to see?  Why would you condone adultery?  What is the benefit of doing so?  I am at a loss as to explain this…

7. The Other Woman (July 9th 2014) I don’t know how normal this is, but I have developed a morbid fascination with the woman who chose to have sex with my husband.  I suspect some wives may handle the situation by not wanting to know, but for me and my inquisitive nature I have felt compelled to find out more about her.  I didn’t know that she even existed before the disclosure but now I know there is a lonely and desperate 52 year old woman living in Birmingham with two teenage children who had wanted my husband for herself.  She wanted me to know of her existence once it was clear that my husband did not want sex with her anymore. I have named her Pig Shit in recognition of the role she has played in my life during the past three years (one year as the OW, and two years of my healing from the trauma)…

6. Is agreeing to work on my marriage after my husband’s infidelity an act of generosity, self preserving behaviour or sado-masochism? (July 7th 2015)  I have been asking myself a version of this question since the disclosure of my husband’s infidelity (August 3rd 2012) and our subsequent decision to attempt to repair our marriage rather than seek a divorce.  During this time I have searched for answers in all sorts of places.  Books have been one avenue and I have just finished reading Kate Figes’  Our Cheating Hearts: Love & Loyalty, Lust & Lies (2013).  I’ve refined my question in light of this interesting read and have found her words helpful in framing alternative perspectives…

5. Turning an ugly affair into a beautiful repaired marriage (July 4th 2014) The Japanese art of ‘kintsugi‘ or ‘kintsukuroi’ means to repair pottery with gold so that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.  What a truly wonderful idea – ‘Golden joinery’ – turning ugly breaks into beautiful fixes.  You see, mending an object with gold aggrandises the damage; when something’s suffered damage it has a history and becomes more beautiful… 

4. The Myth of Monogamy (July 1st 2014) I believe that we are all in a state of denial about how frequent adultery is and how devastating the experience can be for all parties involved. It’s like we don’t want to see the truth  because we don’t like the idea! But this is crazy making and I would like to suggest that this attitude is simply fuelling the activity and silencing the effects of the pain that betrayal in a committed relationship causes. We can no longer turn a blind eye…

3.Here be Dragons! (June 24th 2014) Once I had discovered my husband’s adultery I entered unchartered waters; dangerous, unexplored territories.  Without a compass or guide of any kind I began an unplanned journey that forced me to confront many dragons in the shape of my emotions.  Many of the emotions I had not experienced before and alarmingly, I was unable to control the subsequent behaviour that these emotions triggered…

2. When you don’t know which way is up! (June 20th 2014) When you discover that your husband has been having sex with another woman the shockwaves that go through you are mind blowing.  Firstly it paralyses you and then it goes on to make you feel sick and your intestines to contract.  Of course, you’re not aware of the physical symptoms because your head is exploding into a thousand pieces – it is all just one huge catastrophic storm. ..

1. Why My Personal Story (June 18th 2014) I’m putting my story ‘out there’ because I want other betrayed women to know that there is real hope, no matter how dark it all seems.  It may be that like me you are able to work to recover your marriage or it may be that you need to have the courage to leave the marriage but whatever course of action, it is so important to understand that you will be OK.  I never thought I would be this OK again when I first found out and my world turned topsy-turvy but somehow I have managed to learn from the devastating experience…

 

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