Category Archives: D-day

Responses To Betrayal

crying faceI discovered that I had been betrayed by my husband on August 3rd 2012.  That’s just over three years ago.  So, for over three years (1,095 days) I have been navigating my way through a marriage that I have no map for.  I never imagined for one minute, that my lovely husband, with all his boyish charm, would commit adultery.  But he did.  And I have had to accept this because, what other options are there?  “Loving you was like going to war, I never came back the same” (Warsan Shire)

Having my husband commit adultery was worse than I would ever have imagined, and to poach some prose from the acerbic and eloquent PJ O’Rourke, I would say that I have felt like I have confronted an enormous piece of machinery that I can’t comprehend and don’t know how to operate. In fact, I feel like I’m being run through that machinery.  I am wheat, rice and corn being delivered to the Nabisco factory, and I’m going to come out the other end definitely toasted, possibly shredded, and if I believe my husband’s affair can become the best thing that ever happened to me, then maybe even coated with sugar!

As Joan Didion notes in her wonderful book, The Year of Magical Thinking, “Life changes fast. Life changes in the instant.”  My life changed fast when I read the words on my mobile phone which my husband’s slut decided to send me when he dumped her.  Up until this instant, I had thought that my husband’s increasingly bizarre behaviour was due to some kind of mental breakdown.  A mid-life crisis of sorts.  Once the truth came out, everything that I thought I’d figured out about life unravelled and there I stood, alone, isolated and broken.  How I wish I had known then, what I know now.  Betrayal hurts like hell and it hurts the betrayed spouse more than anyone who hasn’t experienced it can imagine.  The response is visceral.  It is as incapacitating as physical illness and I am sure that it has damaging effects on our health.  The anxiety that arises from the loss of one’s ability to trust or feel safe is all encompassing and impacts upon every aspect of our life. “The ache for home lives inside all of us, to be able to return to our safe place and not to be stressed and burdened by the world.  Home.” (José N Harris)

My response to my husband’s betrayal has been to stay together and work towards a recovery of sorts. My marriage is recovering but it is quite different now.  It would have to be wouldn’t it; I’ve changed and so has my husband so our relationship follows suit.  I’m tougher than I was (I don’t believe that life gets easier or more forgiving, it’s just that we get stronger and more resilient) and husband has joined the ranks of the grown-ups.  I mostly now grieve; for what we both lost by his decision to betray me.  When I realised I’d been deeply betrayed, grief was not part of the initial landscape.  It’s only over time that the fear, anger and frustration have given way to disappointment and disillusionment. We are now a marriage that includes adultery and this will never, never, never change and it will always hurt.  Even though we are growing roots around it, as Byron lyricises “’Tis but as ivy-leaves around the ruined turret wreath,  All green and wildly fresh without, but worn and grey beneath.” 

I do not regret my decision to stay with my husband. From his actions over the past three years I am acutely aware of his remorse for what he did.  His remorse along with his acceptance of responsibility to help me to heal has been the golden glue that has held us together.  I’ve learned that my husband is a flawed human being but this has not stopped me from loving him.  As strange as this may sound I now know that he really loves me.  When I look back at our relationship before any adultery took place he never showed his love in this way.  I guess I wasn’t looking for it and he didn’t feel the need to demonstrate his love.  Or maybe, just maybe, he had no idea just how much he loved me and how his world needed me in it.  The real threat of losing me seems to have removed an emotional blockage in him.  We are not out of the woods yet by any means but I reckon that even with the adultery that we’re dealing with, we may possess a stronger and happier marriage than many, with or without adultery.  But my loss of trust and safety, hopes and dreams must be acknowledged and mourned.    But I share these losses with so many of you.

Here in the blogging world of betrayed wives I have discovered a private cemetery that contains a secret mass grave of shared hopes and dreams and a seemingly worldwide refusal to acknowledge its existence. I read repeatedly of the pain of betrayal both from wives who stay with their betrayer and wives who don’t.  The pain is the same although the responses and remedies as varied as the personalities involved.  Adultery is a tragedy not a sexual activity.

Tragedy in life normally comes with betrayal and compromise – by trading in our integrity and failing to treat life and others in our life with respect and dignity. That’s really where the truest and the most tragic failures in life come from.  They come from making the choice to betray another soul, and in turn, giving up a piece of your own. (José N Harris)

In all of the blogs I read, written by betrayed wives, clear threads of thought link them all together. They all recognise and share the tsunami of the experience of betrayal and irrelevant of whether they’ve stayed or left their husband they all categorically view adultery as WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! They empathise and sympathise with other betrayed wives, knowing the familiar pain first hand.  By being betrayed, we have joined a club and we are all on the same side and all trying to make sense of the non-sense of adultery.  But, are we in a bubble?  I imagined that we were just the women at the top of the iceberg.  I suspected that many many more women were like us, just not writing about it.  But might I be wrong?

You see, I now can’t bear to hear about adultery.  I’m currently reading a biography about an artist I like Georgia O’Keeffe.  Love her work.  Value her individuality and the grace in which she aged.  However, I find out today that her husband was married to someone else whilst embarking on a relationship with her.  Granted it was an unhappy marriage and they were not together as such, but it got me thinking.  Trust me, before I experienced betrayal I would never have given a second thought to his unhappy first wife – but now, it’s become a mental marker for me.  I started to wonder if all betrayed wives would be as sympathetic as me and I found a contradiction immediately.  On my very own adultery doorstep!

You see, Pig Shit is a betrayed wife!!!  She is a woman who has had a husband commit adultery including the time whilst she was giving birth.  They were later divorced.  She has also had a two year relationship with a man end because he ran off with her best friend.  So please, could someone explain why she would CHOOSE to have relationships with married men, hoping that they will leave their wives?  Explain why she would want to text me as soon as my husband dumped her?

What type of response to adultery is this?

Did she not feel the pain that we feel?  Is she one of a few or part of an army of betrayed wives NOT like us who respond to betrayal by making matters worse for others?

Image Credit:  Cry Face by holohololand


Integrity and the sting in its tail!

scorpionIntegrity is a worthy thing is it not? A human characteristic that we would want to foster perhaps? However, in this topsy-turvy Alice in Wonderland world of adultery, integrity plays hide and seek and for the betrayed spouse, it actually has a nasty sting in its tail!

Integrity is at odds with adulterous behaviour.  You can’t have one with the other? How can someone be honest and have strong moral principles yet at the same time constantly lie to their spouse and commit adultery? Break a vow that they had previously made. Equally, how can a single person be honest about the fact that they are having sex with someone else’s husband in the hope that they will eventually leave their wife and be in a committed relationship with them? How do friends manage to lie to the betrayed spouse and carry on as if nothing was wrong? Why would a couple, planning their own forthcoming marriage wish to encourage and facilitate the adultery of someone else? There’s a lot of dishonesty and a lack of moral principles in all this unethical behaviour. In ethics, integrity is the honesty and truthfulness of one’s actions. Morals in action (but only if you have morals in the first place!)

Integrity is also about the state of being whole and undivided, of having an internal consistency. Adultery is at odds with this too. If you are lying, then by default you cannot be consistent with yourself. Like a chameleon, whose colour changes in different surroundings, the adulterer changes his story of himself to the different women in his life. Knowing which friends and family can know and who cannot know demand different talk for different folk. The compartmentalising of emotions so that the betrayal can be addressed more easily divides the thinking so that one part can be closed off whilst another is open.  How fragmented is that? Forget about that part of you for the while.

Lying to the whore about plans to leave the wife, lying to the wife about whereabouts and activities and promising that nothing’s wrong.  Then lying to self about the reality of the wastelands of adultery, that everything is just OK with the situation. The husband involved in an adulterous liaison is a fragmented man, leaving bits of himself out whenever required. Just how do you live with these demands? For me the dishonesty would be too much to bear. Seriously, it would cause my personality to collapse. Who exactly would I be? Who would be the real me?

What about the other woman in all this? Is it ever possible that she could have integrity? To certainintegrity colleagues, friends and family is she in a relationship with an available man? Or, is she not in a relationship, does she keep it hidden? What type of woman does she present herself as? Respectable? Does she openly advertise the fact to everyone that she is willingly shagging a married man in the hope he will leave his wife? Does she openly say, on Valentine’s Day, that she is alone because her ‘boyfriend’ is with his wife? At Christmas does she admit to being single because her ‘boyfriend’ is with his wife and family? Actually, in thinking about this, if she was completely open, then she would have a certain integrity wouldn’t she? But then, wouldn’t she need to let the wife know what is going on? If you have no doubt that what you are doing is right, then why not let the wife know? Shout it from the rooftops “I’m in love, I’m in love with a married man”. Instead the other woman stays in the shadows and bends to meet the adulterous husband’s wants in the hope she will get what she wants in the end. I can’t imagine the other woman ever feeling whole or authentic.

directionThen, for us, there is D-day. This is when we as betrayed spouses feel the sting in integrity’s tail. Whilst for the betraying spouse and the dumped whore integrity is restored. For the betrayed spouse, the reverse occurs.  Whilst up until D-day I had integrity, the truth has compromised my integrity and this remains so. I believe that much of my struggle to come to terms with my husband’s adultery is rooted in my loss of personal integrity.

Firstly, I am by nature a very honest person. I do not like lying for any reason. However, I do not want everyone to know about my husband’s adultery so I lie to certain people. If I do not lie I simply keep the truth to myself, which is the same as lying. Secondly, I believe adultery to be wrong and had always believed that I would not accept it in my marriage, but hey! Who am I now? I’m not who I thought I was. I have found an internal inconsistency.  If I accept adultery now, do I always accept it?  Will I say, the next time it happens would be when I wouldn’t accept it? Can I be sure?

When I received Pig Shit’s text and confronted my husband, I saw his relief. It created such a strong atmosphere, it was palpable. It must have felt like all the parts of him were coming back together! Pig Shit had been honest and let me know what she had been doing with my husband. Did she feel whole again? Authentic? Does she think that she now sits on the moral high ground for some reason?  He unceremoniously dumped me so I told his wife about our shag fests.  Perverse honesty? Can there be such a thing?

road worksOnce the truth of his adultery was all out in the open, did everyone begin to feel their integrity return?

Ironic don’t you think? Just as everyone else starts to regain theirs, I lose mine.

Work in progress!

Image Credits: Scorpion by Nuttapong Reputation; Post-it Note Means Integrity Honesty And Credibility by Stuart Miles; Grunge Arrow Signs Road by taesmileland; Under Construction by digitalart; via

How I found out about my husband’s adultery

time bombD-Day: Three years and counting…

Yesterday was August 3rd.  It marked three years since my D-day.  My husband bought me a dozen red roses and took me into town for the day.  We had lunch in a fabulous French restaurant in Covent Garden and took our time just mooching around the town I love.  We also met with my daughter, his step daughter, for coffee.  All in all a lovely day.  I even surprised myself.  I felt no desire to punish him or even mention the adultery.

In recognition of the anniversary and as a register of how far I have personally travelled since becoming a betrayed spouse I have decided to commit to record the series of texts that Pig Shit chose to send to me two days after my husband dumped her.  My responses are in red. Apart from hiding actual names the texts are all verbatim, including the grammatical errors.

August 3rd 2012 (17.13) Sent from Pig Shit’s mobile phone:

Hello [My first name]. This isn’t a easy text to send. Obviously you have no knowledge of me. I have some information you might need to know about. I believe [My husband’s name] is living with [Husband’s friend’s name] in Surrey now after moving out of my home in the Midlands on Wed. He originally moved in 6th July. [Husband’s name] has been having an affair since Aug 2011 and I am concerned he might try to worm his way back to you in [Town where husband and I live] because he is unable to live alone. He has caused us all a lot of heartache in the last few months so I’m sorry for all the lies he told you so we could spend time away in Derby. Rotterdam, Hull and Oxford. I have text messages cards presents and photos of us together. [Husband’s name] did informed me he will be going to Africa for a month, obviously running away from all the deceit. I hope now we can both move on with our lives and find happiness we both deserve with a more genuine man Jx

Forward me some of his texts please

Just back from boat trip. Battery nearly dead, text only at moment. Been thinking of you all day my love, can’t wait till I take you away to the sun:* Miss you xxx ❤

Welcome home babe will call later Missed you xx:*

 Hope your new plants are doing well! Missed you madly this w/e, can’t wait for Holland really excited (big kid). Love you SOOOOOO much xxx

Cool I know you mean it. We will have a good life together, that’s written in the stars:* No joy when you are out with your friends but ur heart n mind are elsewhere Not long babe xx

 Wish I was there with you my love, can’t think of anything but you xxx

Can I ask for a photograph of you together please?

Do you really need to see that [My first name]

Yes please & it will be used in the divorce.

OK when you get the official papers I will certainly send you what you need.

Then, the following morning, she sent me another text…

Sent 4th August 10.35 from Pig Shit’s mobile phone:

[My first name], [Husband’s name] has a file with photos of us on his computer. I can’t believe in 24 hours the animal made love to us both. I will post his Paul Smith tee-shirt ect down to your address.

Marko is a married man were you so naïve as to think he wasn’t making love regularly to his wife!


Just to provide a little context; when I received her texts, my husband and I were together getting ready to go to a dinner party to celebrate our reconciliation.  I had asked my husband to leave our home on the 6th July after I became exasperated by his absurd behaviour and inability to communicate with me what was wrong.  I had no idea he had gone to live with another woman.  Within ten days he was begging to come home and we spent the next couple of weeks agreeing the terms of the reconciliation.  This included meetings with his mother, my daughter and lots of meetings between us for me to try to get to the bottom of things.  Foolishly I had thought that he had had a mid-life breakdown.    So, when he left Pig Shit’s house he came straight home to me.  There was no friend he was staying with and certainly no plan to go to Africa.  He had fed these lies to her in the stupid hope that she would just go away.

Image credit: Time Bomb Tnt Dynamite by vectorolie via