Category Archives: single woman

Dear Single Women Who ‘Love’ Married Men So Much They Let Them Use Them As Booty

letterAs a betrayed spouse, I find it incredulous the amount of abuse you put up with in order to have the attention of a married man.

Firstly, the lies.  I had not realised my husband was a liar and a cheater, but you had this information from the very start.  Why would that appear attractive to you?  If you’re looking for sex, it’s everywhere.  There are so many men (not married or in committed relationships) eager to service hungry sexy women.  There are apps specially designed for the activity! However, if you’re looking for love, that’s a whole different ball game (excuse the pun).  There are far fewer men who are looking for commitment.

So, what  I am beginning to understand is that you can’t find an available man.  Perhaps shagging many men without any emotional content makes you feel abused?  Maybe you think you’re worth so much more.  So you’re in a dilemma, but  then, hey presto, a married man with weak boundaries flirts with you.  He is married to another woman though; shouldn’t that make you STOP?  No, you can’t stop because you have found the perfect man.  Someone who will say “I love you”, someone who will say “you are the perfect woman” someone who will say “my wife and I aren’t sleeping together anymore” someone who will say, that given time “I’ll leave my wife for you”.   You are now being primed for abuse.  You are walking, with your eyes wide open into the wasteland of adultery.  You are allowing yourself to be a married man’s booty.  This is allowing yourself to be abused!

Do you understand what I’m saying?  Do you really?

You may think I’m joking.  You may want to believe I’m joking,  because haha, a married man shagging you and then going home to his wife and family is so funny in the reality from where you find yourself.  Clearly, we have different definitions of funny, but perhaps you truly do find it amusing to think about the man’s wife and the betrayal of her trust.

However, I am not joking. I’m afraid I’m quite serious.

From my reality your actions are saying you are willing to be used sexually by a man who you know for absolute certainty is a liar and a cheater; you are willing to sacrifice your dignity.

For what?

You are impressed by some combination of the married man’s  charisma, and/or good looks. That is understandable. Everybody’s got their something.  However, you are also saying that accepting a share of this man (when he can excuse himself from his primary relationship) would be a fair exchange for his attention, however fleeting you must know that attention would be. When you look past the image, a married man is just a person you know nothing about. Ultimately, you are saying you are willing to be used sexually for the mirage of love and attention in the desert of your life.

However, you must know that you can end this pitiful relationship.  You do not have to endure the lies and deceit that he is dishing out to you.  You, unlike his wife can withdraw your consent to the charade.  There is nothing better than knowing you have some control in a situation that feels so far beyond your control. Why don’t you make use of it?  The wife is the victim, she’s in a situation where she has no choice. You are saying that you want no choice.  It’s difficult to blame the married man for their reasoning that you are ‘available’.

When you tell a married man, at least the man he has shown himself to be, that you would like to stop, it’s likely that he won’t want it to stop.  With adultery it is difficult to stop.  He has gotten used to having his cake and eating it too.  He is afraid that if he dumps you that you will tell his wife.  For you, there is only suffering that will begin and end as he sees fit. You will never have any control. You will never know how good it feels to have this man because he has not chosen you as his primary relationship.  That choice does not include you and never will. Do you understand? Do you see that distinction?

I understand that someone else’s husband means something to you, he arouses you physically and/or emotionally. He arouses you to such an extent you are willing to do whatever it takes to be within his transitory incandescent sphere for even a little while.

I am sorry our culture has treated women so poorly for so long that conducting a sexual relationship with a man who is married to another woman seems like a fair and reasonable trade to you. We have failed you, utterly.  How can it be that we live in a culture where we think it’s okay to be treated like shit just so we can be loved?

I can advise you, your married man is selfish, possibly narcissistic, and maybe a sex addict.  I doubt that he has shown any real remorse for the pain and discomfort you and he are causing his wife.  Why has he not left his marriage?   Trust me, whatever he may say to you he will not be able to demonstrate one ounce of commitment to you.  Instead, he will flagrantly continue to lie to you.  Yes, of course, he has to lie to his wife.  She might leave him if he told her the truth, something that would devastate him totally. But, have you thought about why he might want to lie to you? He may well be emotionally troubled but that’s an explanation for his behaviour, not an excuse.

Over and over again we tell you it is acceptable for men to abuse women. We look the other way. We make excuses. We reward these men for their bad behaviour. We tell you that as a woman, you have little value or place in this society. Clearly we have sent these messages with such alarming regularity and consistency we have encouraged you to willingly run toward something that has no future for you with your eyes and arms wide open

I am sorry.

This blog post is indebted to an essay written by Roxanne Gay “Dear young ladies who love Chris Brown So Much They Would Let Him Beat Them.” I was steered towards this by the lovely Valkyrie and immediately saw the connections between Roxanne’s letter to a young woman who views abuse acceptable and  how single women accept abuse from married men thinking that it is true love that they have found!  I have plagiarised her work, tweaking it to fit this context.

Image Credit: Communication System by Pong via freedigitalphotos.net

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Single Woman, Married Man!

betrayalWhat sort of relationship did Pig Shit, a single woman have with my husband, a married man?

I know that they met for sex.  I know that he told her that he was planning on leaving me.  I know that he said he loved her but he told me that he said this just to keep her sweet!  I know that he found it easy to dump her.  I know that he didn’t see her that often and used texts and phone calls to keep in touch.  I know that she was always asking to see him more.  I know that she got really angry when he and I went on holiday.  But what was it really like for Pig Shit?  I can’t imagine it being a particularly rewarding or self-affirming experience.   However, she’s not on her own, there’s lots of this going on.  Richard Tuch suggests that the behaviours involved in single woman, married man relationships are so recognisable and predictable that they constitute a genuine syndrome.

“She struggles with the feeling that she is being neglected, but she feels her hands are tied.  Were she to complain too loudly about how neglected she feels, the single woman fears that the married man would quickly tire of her as he had of his wife… He fears that were he to break off the affair, she would retaliate… telling the wife about the affair is number one on her list.”

You don’t have to dig too deep into adulterous relationships to find the shitty core that is hidden or disguised by initial novel sexual activities, lies and secrets.  The relationship stinks.  The betrayed spouse might be able to smell the rotten decay slowly permeating her marriage but at least she’s not generating it or having to facilitate it.  The single woman who signs up for the stinking relationship does this.  Doesn’t the single woman balk at the thought of what she will need to do in order to keep her married man happy?  It’s not just being available for sex when he wants it is it? How does this compare to a relationship with an available man and what in the relationship can ever honestly be perceived as genuine love?

By chance I came across a 2007 blog entry written by ‘Lady Mistress’ which outlines the etiquette required to be a mistress.  I was about to click off the site but curiosity got the better of me.  What I read just confirmed my opinion really.  Women who seek an intimate relationship with a man who is married are either desperate or psychopathological or a bit of both.

One reason my husband gave for getting off with Pig Shit was that she was sexually very easy. He didn’t have to chase her or try hard.  From the first meeting she was eager to have sex with him whenever he was able to get an evening away from me, his wife. In truth, this actually wasn’t very often.  12 meet ‘n shags in twelve months.

It would be funny if it wasn’t so fucking sad.  After a few months from when the adultery first started and I had noticed a distancing from him – I asked him if there was someone else.  He looked at me and said “How could there be anyone else, I’m always here”.  This would get me every time.  Of course there couldn’t be anyone else could there?   A woman would want so much more wouldn’t she?  I came to the conclusion that it could not be a love affair of any kind and instead concluded that it must be a series of one night stands.  Obviously, this was me projecting my values on to another woman.

I remain deeply perplexed that a woman could settle for so little and yet have the expectation of so much.  My husband told Pig Shit that he and I did not get on any more.  So this made it OK for her I guess.  Just a matter of time before he and she would become a ‘proper’ relationship. So why didn’t he leave me then?  Why didn’t he tell me about her and his ‘plans’ to leave me for her?  Why was she content to be a secret but only until he dumped her?  It was only after he dumped her that she wanted me to know ALL ABOUT HER AND HIM.  Why?  Surely, it would have been better for her to tell me about herself whilst my husband was shagging her.  If my husband and I didn’t get on any more what reasons did he give for staying with me that made her agree to continue to be his mistress?

Reading the mistress etiquette rules made me realise even more what an utter mess Pig Shit must be.  What type of sincere, lasting relationship can be expected from such ridiculous and flimsy foundations?  Allow me, if you will, to share some of the etiquette tips suggested for mistresses: lady mistress

  • You are a mistress NOT a Mrs. Know you place. You are #2 not #1. (I could not knowingly accept this EVER)
  • Even if he tells you he loves you more than his wife, don’t let that go to your head. As a rule, he is lying. (I would have thought this obvious – if he is still with his wife, durgh!)
  • Mistresses should be ready to give up Valentine’s Day, Christmas Day, New Year’s Day, Holy Days and his birthday. Mistresses are also called “holiday orphans.” (This would make me feel very sad and neglected. Also suspicious.  Why would the husband want to spend Valentines day with the wife he doesn’t get on with and who he is planning to leave?)
  • Don’t call him, wait for him to call you. (but what if you had something really important to say or needed some token of affection? What if you didn’t feel well? What if you just wanted to share something?  You just have to wait??????  And this makes you feel good?)
  • Love is lovelier when it’s forbidden. Because it’s forbidden it’s supposed to be hidden. (For how long?  If he doesn’t want to be with his wife why does it need to be forbidden? What do I tell my family, my friends?  Am I OK with saying I’m going out with a married man?)
  • Never believe, and never say anything unfriendly about his wife, not even after he recites a litany of her faults. (But the wife is the competition.  Surely some things can be said in order for the married man to know that I am the better woman for him?)
  • Sooner or later, some mistresses feel so loved that they begin to think of the wife as the other woman. (Yes, I think this delusion is common)
  • When he breaks a date, charge it to fate, not his fecklessness. (Naturally, the wife has to be his priority but soon he will leave her won’t he, so that’s OK)
  • Mistresses don’t complain. They shouldn’t. It’s the wives, according to their husbands, who are always complaining. (Husband told me that Pig Shit never complained when they were together, only occasionally over the phone when asking to see more of him or when he told her over the phone that he was going on holiday with me)
  • Being No.2, the mistress tries harder. (I suppose the bag of dildos, sex toys and Ann Summers body stocking addresses this? Plus the multiple organisms – fake or real?)
  • What does your man do after sex with you his mistress? Go home to his wife. (Of course.  And every evening he is with his wife often doing nothing together which is exactly what Pig Shit was desperate for)
  • Don’t use tears as a weapon. He’s probably had enough of that from the Mrs. Wives nag. Wives cry. If only for that reason, a mistress doesn’t use tears to get what she wants. (So do other strategies have to be employed to get your own way?)
  • Resist the urge to be found out. For every action, the laws of nature decree an equal and opposite reaction.
  • Perish all thought that someday you’ll be No. 1.
  • Married men who keep mistresses don’t like surprises, as a rule.
  • A man with a mistress leads a double life, his mistress only half life. Cheer up! A career will make you whole.
  • Resist the urge to shower him with gifts. Evidence, evidence…!
  • When in doubt, disappear.

In truth, I can only see this as an abusive relationship. How did Pig Shit think otherwise?  My husband was her second married man.  A relationship with a married man is so different isn’t it from a single man.  Can a woman who has signed up for such an adulterous relationship ever then have a normal relationship?  Would she know how to behave?  The rules of engagement in a normal relationship are so very different.

Pig Shit is 53 years of age.  Twice married.  Twice divorced.  Conducting sexual relationships against the backdrop canvass of two teenagers from her second marriage.  Two relationships with married men; the first lasted three years and he had a key to her house so that he could come and go freely, the second, with my husband lasted one year.  She also had a long term relationship with a man who ran off with her best friend.  There’s probably a lot more.  This is what I know from what my husband told me. But it is a mess of relationships isn’t it?  Desperate divorce detritus. There’s nothing to envy here.  What woman in her right mind would want her life to look like this?

Image Credit: Love Triangle by marin via freedigitalphotos.net