As a betrayed spouse, I find it incredulous the amount of abuse you put up with in order to have the attention of a married man.
Firstly, the lies. I had not realised my husband was a liar and a cheater, but you had this information from the very start. Why would that appear attractive to you? If you’re looking for sex, it’s everywhere. There are so many men (not married or in committed relationships) eager to service hungry sexy women. There are apps specially designed for the activity! However, if you’re looking for love, that’s a whole different ball game (excuse the pun). There are far fewer men who are looking for commitment.
So, what I am beginning to understand is that you can’t find an available man. Perhaps shagging many men without any emotional content makes you feel abused? Maybe you think you’re worth so much more. So you’re in a dilemma, but then, hey presto, a married man with weak boundaries flirts with you. He is married to another woman though; shouldn’t that make you STOP? No, you can’t stop because you have found the perfect man. Someone who will say “I love you”, someone who will say “you are the perfect woman” someone who will say “my wife and I aren’t sleeping together anymore” someone who will say, that given time “I’ll leave my wife for you”. You are now being primed for abuse. You are walking, with your eyes wide open into the wasteland of adultery. You are allowing yourself to be a married man’s booty. This is allowing yourself to be abused!
Do you understand what I’m saying? Do you really?
You may think I’m joking. You may want to believe I’m joking, because haha, a married man shagging you and then going home to his wife and family is so funny in the reality from where you find yourself. Clearly, we have different definitions of funny, but perhaps you truly do find it amusing to think about the man’s wife and the betrayal of her trust.
However, I am not joking. I’m afraid I’m quite serious.
From my reality your actions are saying you are willing to be used sexually by a man who you know for absolute certainty is a liar and a cheater; you are willing to sacrifice your dignity.
You are impressed by some combination of the married man’s charisma, and/or good looks. That is understandable. Everybody’s got their something. However, you are also saying that accepting a share of this man (when he can excuse himself from his primary relationship) would be a fair exchange for his attention, however fleeting you must know that attention would be. When you look past the image, a married man is just a person you know nothing about. Ultimately, you are saying you are willing to be used sexually for the mirage of love and attention in the desert of your life.
However, you must know that you can end this pitiful relationship. You do not have to endure the lies and deceit that he is dishing out to you. You, unlike his wife can withdraw your consent to the charade. There is nothing better than knowing you have some control in a situation that feels so far beyond your control. Why don’t you make use of it? The wife is the victim, she’s in a situation where she has no choice. You are saying that you want no choice. It’s difficult to blame the married man for their reasoning that you are ‘available’.
When you tell a married man, at least the man he has shown himself to be, that you would like to stop, it’s likely that he won’t want it to stop. With adultery it is difficult to stop. He has gotten used to having his cake and eating it too. He is afraid that if he dumps you that you will tell his wife. For you, there is only suffering that will begin and end as he sees fit. You will never have any control. You will never know how good it feels to have this man because he has not chosen you as his primary relationship. That choice does not include you and never will. Do you understand? Do you see that distinction?
I understand that someone else’s husband means something to you, he arouses you physically and/or emotionally. He arouses you to such an extent you are willing to do whatever it takes to be within his transitory incandescent sphere for even a little while.
I am sorry our culture has treated women so poorly for so long that conducting a sexual relationship with a man who is married to another woman seems like a fair and reasonable trade to you. We have failed you, utterly. How can it be that we live in a culture where we think it’s okay to be treated like shit just so we can be loved?
I can advise you, your married man is selfish, possibly narcissistic, and maybe a sex addict. I doubt that he has shown any real remorse for the pain and discomfort you and he are causing his wife. Why has he not left his marriage? Trust me, whatever he may say to you he will not be able to demonstrate one ounce of commitment to you. Instead, he will flagrantly continue to lie to you. Yes, of course, he has to lie to his wife. She might leave him if he told her the truth, something that would devastate him totally. But, have you thought about why he might want to lie to you? He may well be emotionally troubled but that’s an explanation for his behaviour, not an excuse.
Over and over again we tell you it is acceptable for men to abuse women. We look the other way. We make excuses. We reward these men for their bad behaviour. We tell you that as a woman, you have little value or place in this society. Clearly we have sent these messages with such alarming regularity and consistency we have encouraged you to willingly run toward something that has no future for you with your eyes and arms wide open
I am sorry.
This blog post is indebted to an essay written by Roxanne Gay “Dear young ladies who love Chris Brown So Much They Would Let Him Beat Them.” I was steered towards this by the lovely Valkyrie and immediately saw the connections between Roxanne’s letter to a young woman who views abuse acceptable and how single women accept abuse from married men thinking that it is true love that they have found! I have plagiarised her work, tweaking it to fit this context.
Image Credit: Communication System by Pong via freedigitalphotos.net