Category Archives: The other woman

Reasons to stay after betrayal

staying 3Once you find out that your spouse has been unfaithful; has betrayed you and broken your trust in the most despicable manner, you realise that your life will never be the same. Every foundation that you thought you were standing on gets ripped out from under your feet and you have nothing but tumultuous free-fall.  In the midst of this whirlpool of despair which drags you to emotional depths you didn’t imagine you had,  not only do you have to somehow comprehend the horror of it all, you have to make a decision as to whether to remain in your marriage and somehow accept adultery or seek divorce.  Neither option is attractive; and neither option is one that you ever predicted you would have had to face in your lifetime.

 

For me, the circumstances of the discovery played a role in how I responded and why I chose to remain in the marriage. Prior to D-day, all I was aware of was a kind of distancing from my husband but nothing that caused me any alarm.  We had been together for ten years and I appreciated the natural ebb and flow that occurs in long term intimate relationships.  I thought it was a midlife crisis of sorts for him, related to his work and also his lack of passion for anything in particular.  I would ask what was wrong and would get nothing much back in return.  He would say that he felt differently about me but could not explain it in any comprehensible fashion.  The stance that I took was to allow him the mental space to work things out in the hope that in time it would pass and in the meantime thought it best just to love him and try to understand he was going through a difficult patch.  It makes me weep to write this.  There I was, working on my conviction that I loved him and needed to be kind to him even though I was becoming increasingly frustrated by the shift that I was sensing in his feelings towards me.  I asked if there was someone else.  I asked if he was gay. No, was the reply.

 

Then, a type of crescendo occurred in his behaviour and attitude. Over a few days, after we had come back from our holiday, I knew he was becoming increasingly troubled.  One night I just held him and we both cried and cried.  I felt that I had reached him in a way that had not been possible for months.  He clung on to me really tightly that night in bed, telling me over and over how much he loved me.  I tried to sooth him.  To sooth myself.  By the morning, any ground that we had made was lost.  I got up and went about my day.  Had lunch with an old friend.  I can’t recall how it was when I returned home, but I do remember him sitting on our couch with his head in his hands repeatedly saying “I don’t want to be here”.  He was ignoring anything I was saying.  I remember that I went to bed first and was reading my book when he opened the bedroom door to inform me that he was going to sleep in the spare room.  This had never happened before under any circumstance.  I was lost for anything more to say.  I let him go into the spare room and then after a couple of hours of uncomfortable restlessness I left the house and went to my brother’s house to stay.

 

I arranged a meeting with my husband two days later in a neutral location. I told him that I’d heard him clearly and was not prepared to continue as we were.  If he didn’t want to be with me I would accept it but I wanted him to move out, to go and stay with friends because I was finding it all too difficult.  I don’t know how, but I kept my tears held in tightly until I had driven far enough away in order to park in a side road and weep and weep and weep.  He had seemed relieved and I believed that his love for me had somehow disappeared.  That he had fallen out of love with me.  I could not work out for the life of me where it had all gone so dramatically wrong.  From a sense of disconnect to this complete break up between us left me reeling in shock.  In such a short time I had moved from a belief that I was happily married to the understanding that we were separating. How could the marriage have faltered so badly without me knowing? But, I know that you cannot force someone to love you, and honestly, I would not want to. He moved out a couple of days later, saying he appreciated my understanding.  Of course, he did not go to stay with friends, he went to stay with Pig Shit who must have offered him peace and solace between her legs whilst joyously happy basking in her understanding that she had ‘got’ her married man away from his wife.  12 shags over a period of one year and that was enough for her to believe in her ‘romance’ and that they were now going to live together, happy ever after, now that I was out of the picture.  Really, what woman in her right mind would have thought this a possibility?  Didn’t she smell the rat that had entered?

 

I put our house on the market, visited a solicitor and cried myself to sleep for about two weeks. I consumed a fair amount of red wine too.  We were polite with each other via e-mail and texts; as he works from home I had to deal with some of his work matters that didn’t travel so easy.  I was just getting along with it and I have to say I was exceptionally strong.  This is what has amazed me the most.  When I thought he had stopped loving me, I was able to confront that devastating truth with courage, resilience and acceptance.  But, after ten days of separation I was shocked one morning, when he arrived on the doorstep.  He looked lost, dejected and somewhat vacant.  I invited him in for tea (it’s an English thing) and from then on, the road to his return was laid.  I was not prepared to just have him return.  I needed him to provide some explanations for his behaviour.  Over time he said a few negative things about our relationship but nothing that shocked me and nothing that couldn’t be easily rectified.  He did keep saying it was him and that he had got lost and didn’t understand himself which all fitted into my perception of him having a midlife crisis.  We met with his mother (because she was/is a problem for him and us).  He met with my daughter (his step daughter) and with me on several occasions until I agreed he could come home and we would try to breach the gap between us.  He was over the moon.  I really mean this.  He was absolutely over the moon.  And I, in my naivety, believed that we would be able to get our marital discord sorted with relative ease and that he would ‘find’ himself again and be the man I thought I was married to.  But this feeling didn’t last long.

 

Two days later Pig Shit decided to text me and the rest is history. Whereas I can confront the possibility of my husband not loving me anymore, I could not for one single solitary second face the reality of him committing adultery and lying to me.  My rage erupted.  I wanted him OUT! OUT! OUT!  I crumbled.  Why didn’t he just stay with Pig Shit?  I had made it so easy for him.  What insane impulse led him to leave me only to return in such a short space of time?  Why didn’t he tell me the truth BEFORE returning?  Well, I know his answer to this and he is probably right.  Whereas I would not have let him return – once back in the home he would have a slim chance of staying.  That slim chance materialised.  It is almost four years later and I have to say that I do not doubt either his determination to make amends for what he did or of his honesty towards me.  Equally, Pig Shit was totally out of the equation so I was not subject to any overlap between us at any time in our recovery.

 

I think my motives for staying are clear to me. I had had a good past with him, and from day one post D-day he has stepped up to the plate and shown me behaviour that convinces me that he is deeply remorseful and committed to being trustworthy and loyal. I believe our future has every prospect of burying this shed load of toxic waste if he/we continue in the same manner. But each experience of adultery is different and clearly every betrayed spouse faces a unique set of circumstances in which to make the decision of whether to stay or go.  I have not had to engage with the ‘pick-me’ dance that some spouses face and up until recently had not given thought to why anyone would agree to this charade.  However, it’s so easy to think you will do what you say you will do.  Reality is a different playing field.  I didn’t think I would ever accept a husband committing adultery but I have.    Just recently I have read a book which opened my mind to why a woman might agree to the ‘pick-me’ dance.  It made total sense to me and if I were in her shoes, I’d likely do the same.  It was because she had two young children, and this made all the difference.  But I think her strategy makes sense in a number of ways, even if young children are not involved.

 

You see, it all has to do with the OW. We KNOW that a woman with no scruples about having sex with someone else’s husband is a dirt bag; in fact that’s probably her major attraction to the unfaithful husband. I don’t think it’s what they cultivate between their ears that create the lascivious infatuation.  I’m sure that my husband was craving arousal rather than intimacy from Pig shit.  The OW won’t be any sexier than the wife but I guarantee that she will be sluttier.  And of course, the husband becomes an equal dirt bag by his actions with her, so really the whole thing is a degenerate process enveloped by the stink of betrayal.  In anger, it’s easy to say that he deserves to have the dirt bag OW – lock stock and barrel.  HOWEVER, at the end of the day, he is one woman’s  husband and maybe the father of lovely children too and the OW inveigling herself  fully into the husband’s  life is not necessarily going to be the best idea for the betrayed spouse,  whether she chooses to stay or leave her husband.    My husband is not the man I thought he was, but to be honest he deserves better than Pig Shit.  She would have thought that she had hit gold with my husband.  He would have simply hit rock bottom.  Yes, you could say he deserved it but what if you don’t want to see him punished in such a fashion? And what if you don’t want the OW to have the satisfaction of thinking that she’s had a victory albeit a pyrrhic one?

 

Staying 2The book ‘Couple Mechanics’ written by Nelly Allard has really got me thinking differently and I am far more sympathetic to betrayed spouses who do their best to pull their spouse away from the OW.

The wife in Allard’s book is not shy of the truth “He’d betrayed her trust, he’d reduced them to a tawdry mediocrity she didn’t want and didn’t deserve” – this certainly sums up how I feel. Her hatred of the OW is, as we all know, something very difficult to acknowledge and then deal with.  In the novel, Juliette, the wife was “disturbed to acknowledge a mounting feeling toward [the OW], a feeling she had recognised as hate.  She loathed what she herself was becoming because of this woman, loathed the violence building inside of her.”  She knew that she should have resented her husband alone and that it was unfair to focus her anger on the OW but it didn’t stop her wanting to “crush her head between two stones”. 

 

At times in the book I just wanted Juliette to fuck her husband off as he vacillated between her and the OW, but by the end I fully understood that IF she had not thrown down the gauntlet it was likely that in his weakness he would have just been led by the nose (maybe the penis) into a hopeless situation with a disturbed young woman who was desperate to be in his life AND to have a part in his children’s lives. Before this book I hadn’t realised the severity of this scenario.  I am now deeply sympathetic towards betrayed spouses who have to somehow accept that the dirt bag OW will now have intimate contact with her children.  I think the maternal instinct would really kick in here for me.  Irrelevant of whether the long term marital future is secured, at least dragging him away using whatever means available, means the dirt bag gets vanquished whilst the wife gains the emotional space in which to decide upon her own future.

 

Perhaps deciding to stay need not be a romantic response. Hell, the adultery fed off that myth!  It is difficult for any woman to learn that she has been a cuckquean but we must be cautious about conforming to social expectations.  As Lauren Rosewarne suggested in ‘Cheating on the Sisterhood’ “For many betrayed women, external pressure and cultural perceptions about the significance of infidelity may motivate departure.”   It may also be harder for those of us who consider ourselves to be feminists of some kind.  Rosewarne goes on, “the nature of betrayal by the person you love most in the world, compounded with cultural and political expectations that you leave, may make departing seem like the appropriately feminist response”.

 

Should we decide to stay, others’ responses to our decision can be quite resolute and this can be a challenge to face along with the challenges already being faced by the trauma of discovery.  But maybe we need to reflect deeply upon this before we make any decision that will dramatically impact our lives. As Juliette notes in ‘Couple Mechanics’, “People have a clear idea of how women who’ve been raped should behave, they also have a very clear idea of how a betrayed woman should behave, what she can and can’t put up with, what she should and shouldn’t accept, and in the name of women’s dignity and integrity, the consensus was that it was their duty to be intransigent, that they were required to choose glorious solitude over flawed love.”  

 

But Rosewarne offers an alternative perception on staying. “If a woman decides to exit her relationship because of an affair, her actions may be construed as handing victory to the other woman, regardless of whether the man stays with the other woman.  To throw in the towel in this manner, to give up and let the other woman or women – more broadly – partake of the spoils of a relationship breakdown maybe a sufficient deterrent to the betrayed woman walking away.”

 

“For some betrayed women, while the affair may have been perceived as a relationship threat, her ego, stubbornness and competitive streak may prompt her to decide that it will not RUIN her relationship.” Citing the work done by Shirley Eskapa (Woman v Woman) “women who resist in an unnecessary divorce frequently gained immeasurably in self-respect and in many instances the marriage was stronger”.

 

Marriage recovery need not be the unicorn that many suggest. Obviously I am not suggesting for one moment that a woman needs to accept any and all acts of adultery, but I am saying that we need to recognise the complexities and contradictions of choosing to stay.  It is a very tough choice to make and as with all choices there are no guarantees, and it may take a lot of time to establish a firm footing with each other after one has betrayed the other, but it’s OK to fight and it’s OK to feel like it’s a battle.  When I look back at my husband’s adultery, I liken it to being placed in a boxing ring with a blindfold and my staying 4hands tied behind my back with a host of collaborators in ring side seats watching  me get hurt by my husband and Pig Shit.  Now, and forever onwards, the blindfold is off and nobody will tie my hands behind my back again.  I will never be able to blindly trust a man again but at least with my husband he understands why, that in itself helps me because he ensures that I never have reason to be suspicious and this offers me a peace that I can bathe in.

 

“Despair and fear do not disappear overnight when the conditions that wrought them have changed. You can’t change the tale so that you turned left one day instead of right, or didn’t make the mistake that might have saved your life a day later.  We don’t get those choices.  The story is what got you here, and embracing the truth is what makes the outcome bearable”  Gail Caldwell; New life, no instructions.

 

“But we keep making our way as we have to. We’re all pretty much able to deal even with the worst that life can fire at us, if we simply admit that it is very difficult.  I think that’s the whole of the answer.  We make our way, and effort and time give us cushion and dignity.  And as we age, we’re riding higher in the saddle, seeing more terrain” Darin Strauss: Half a life

 

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What is this female desperation for a man?

crumbsWhen I think about the woman who my husband committed adultery with I am always puzzled by her motivation to participate in such a miserable experience. To give herself to a married man in return for crumbs fallen from the table of our ten year relationship.  Why was she prepared to put up with being second to me?  Why was she prepared to be sexually available at his convenience?   Why, if she had been betrayed herself would she want to inflict this on to another woman? Why would she willingly embark on an affair with a married man when she had already done so for three years previously and had been unsuccessful in getting him to leave his wife for her?  It makes no sense to me.

Pig Shit was/is a single woman. Twice married and divorced with a string of unsuccessful relationships under her belt.  If she wanted a relationship with a man (and she certainly did) why didn’t she seek available men on dating web sites?  Why was she prepared to ‘date’ a married man who lived with his wife?  How did she handle the jealousy?  Why would any woman engage in something so destructive as a relationship with a married man unless they were desperate for something that they felt they could only have with somebody else’s husband.   I suspect that Pig Shit is either unable to attract an available man for a relationship and/or unable to function effectively in a committed relationship.  Therefore when a married man shows interest she eagerly reduces any aspirations for a single, available man because here’s an opportunity to get what she wants.  A man in her life.  At a price that she is willing to pay because she considers herself nothing without a man.

 

Some women do not need a man to feel complete and are able to live autonomous lives, capable of living alone and liking it. I personally enjoy a committed relationship and prefer to share my life with a significant man but not to the exclusion of all else.   There are other aspects to my life that are hugely valuable and which shape my selfhood.  Feminism, without doubt has improved the lives of women in the west but it appears to have been unable to silence the internal chatter of many women which focuses thoughts on finding a man with whom to complete their identity.  I don’t think that men have ever felt they needed women in quite the same way.  Historically, men have always been able to establish their status and fulfil their potential outside their relationship in ways that women in restricted lifestyles were unable to.  We may have freed ourselves from many of the restrictions placed upon us in the past but I fear that some women have maintained the mental chains that tie them to a patriarchal view of womanhood.     As Penelope Russianoff in her book; Why do I think I am nothing without a man, aptly states “women have, indeed, come a long way – socially, sexually, and to a lesser extent, economically.  Emotionally, however, they still have a long way to go.”  The late Russianoff was a psychologist, feminist therapist, writer and an expert on teaching women how to assert themselves, all in addition to maintaining a private practice.  She said that about 95% of her female patients thought they were nothing without a man.  She characterises the ‘void-without-a-man’ feeling as “desperate dependence”. 

 

My husband’s OW was a single woman and this is a particular form of infidelity. In fact Richard Tuch describes it as a syndrome; “the single woman-married man syndrome”.  Initially the man might be viewed as having the more powerful position than the single OW but this is just something the OW goes along with.  Permitting this illusion is something the single OW offers in return for his continued interest and involvement with her.  However, at a later point this control shifts and he starts to fear that if he were to break off the relationship she would retaliate in order to hold on to the relationship at any cost.  It is interesting to note that within 48 hours of my husband dumping her, Pig Shit retaliated by texting me with information about herself and my husband.  I often wonder if this was a last ditch attempt to keep my husband.  How many single OW manipulate their married lover in this way along with their little caches of sexual tricks. This is not romance it is desperation.

 

The unabashed narratives that OWs create to justify their involvement with a relationship that clearly has no future are remarkable. However, they also offer a glimpse into the desperate nature of these illicit sexual encounters.  The sexual revolution that occurred with free oral contraception and women’s entry into the world of work seems to have gone awry for some women.  Mistaking permissiveness for liberation, women’s sexuality, especially when applied to adultery, has simply provided men with what they desire – sex without strings.  I’ll accept that for some women permissive sex may be perceived as liberating but it does not need to happen with married men.  When was there ever a shortage of men wanting causal sex? The type of feminism that supports women having sex with married men is a feminism that lacks female imagination!

 

Elizabeth Gilbert in her article: Confessions of a Seduction Addict, in the NYT magazine in June of last year illustrates the point.  Her indiscriminate permissiveness is dressed up as seduction.  “Seduction was never a casual sport for me; it was more like a heist, adrenalizing and urgent. I would plan the heist for months, scouting out the target, looking for unguarded entries”. She says that seeking out men for sex had nothing to do with either love or sex; it was the thrill of seduction that she sought.  If the man was already involved in a committed relationship, she worked at being ‘different’.  If he needed to sneak out of his house after midnight in order to call her she believed she was his “irresistible treasure”.  Nice way of putting it Gilbert but I’d say that you could just as easily be called “easy pussy”.  She goes on to say “But over time (and it wouldn’t take long), his unquenchable infatuation for me would fade, as his attention returned to everyday matters. This always left me feeling abandoned and invisible; love that could be quenched was not nearly enough love for me” – or for him, clearly. She says it took her twenty years to recognise that stealing other women’s boyfriends didn’t make her a revolutionary feminist; it made her a menace. To whom I wonder?

 

Why all this hard work?  Charlotte Allen writing for the Independent Women’s Forum suggests a more likely perspective on events.  “Um, Elizabeth, there’s an easier way to accomplish this trajectory. Here it is: Go to a bar an hour before closing time.

 Another way of phrasing ‘his unquenchable infatuation for me would fade’ is: ‘I’ll call you.’

And if there’s someone specific you’ve got your heart set on to ‘win,’ here’s another tip for making it easier in 99 percent of the cases: Invite him over (or drive over to his house) and be wearing something scanty and lacy when the door opens. See! You don’t need to ‘plan for months’ after all!”

Allen suggests that Gilbert was behaving in this way as a sort of desperation at not feeling desirable. “The most desirable women don’t need to scout; they have men orbiting around them like GPS satellites”.  For Allen, Gilbert is not a ‘seduction addict’  but a gal who has made the mistake of thinking it was a big deal to get some men to go to bed with her.  In agreement with Allen, I really don’t think it’s difficult to get men to have sex with you.

 

Miss Sarah J Symonds is another desperado. She is now, allegedly, an ‘infidelity analyst’.  What qualifies her?  Well, not qualifications.  She proudly claims that she spent fifteen years of her life as a serial mistress.  Looks like desperation for attention to me. Symonds claims to fame include an affair with Jeffrey Archer and a so called 7 year affair with the celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey.  Ramsey denied it but even by her accounts it didn’t amount to much – 7 shags in 7 years to be precise.  Symonds, like Gilbert considers her behaviour to be an addiction.  She set up ‘Mistresses Anonymous’ a website for helping women to wanting to get out of a toxic relationship with a married man and has defined 12 steps with a 13th step being alcohol.  Apparently, she is swamped by women in despair!  All these helpless women in unhappy relationships with married men not knowing how to get out.  Oh pleeeeease!   Of course, there is a book – Having an Affair published in 2007 and she has appeared on Oprah.  When asked if she ever thought of the wife and possible children at home she replied that she didn’t because he wasn’t thinking of them either!  She now considers herself reformed.  If she is, there’s no humility in the mix.  The arrogance is breath-taking.

 

Finally, a third single OW who appears equally unable to successfully form a committed relationship and who contents herself with being second best. This time, a feminist academic  who charts her miserable and toxic relationship with a man in a committed relationship.  This has dispelled one of the myths that I had built up around Pig Shit.  I had thought that only an unintelligent , uneducated and socially unaware  woman would  allow herself to be treated so poorly in a relationship that she could walk away from.  Lauren Rosewarne is living proof that none of these attributes protect a woman from making a fool of herself.  It is also clear that feminism per se does not support the committed relationship.  Perhaps it should.  Rosewarne also recognises as did Russianoff that “many female identities are defined by the absence of a male partner.  These ideas reinforce that coupling – however achieved – is the single woman’s raison d’etre.” She also points out that “inequalities that plague committed heterosexual relationships are often amplified in infidelity”. 

 

Rosewarne writing in her book: Cheating on the Sisterhood, has also recognised the limited choice of some women that may prompt them to become the OW rather than be on their own. “For some, involvement with a committed man empowers them to design a relationship to suit their needs.  The limited nature of infidelity matches their low needs and demands, but for others a limited relationship is imposed when the choice for more is not available.”  For Pig Shit, where there is no available single man, her relationship with my husband could never have been called empowering.   She probably considered herself hopeful when in fact she was merely gullible.

 

Rosewarne continuously wanted more from the committed man than he was willing to offer. “The reality for many single women and certainly for me, is that they want more from the committed man.”  This in part explains the willingness to accept so little.  “She fears offending the man, of causing him to dislike her and abandon her.  It prevents her from asking for more.  She accepts crumbs because they are better than nothing. No matter what he might be doing now, some contact is better.  This rationalisation means she lowers her standards of what constitutes acceptable behaviour.”

 

Not only does the OW accept minimum contact, the irony is “the single woman wants to understand why such a good decent man is cheating and will analyse his relationship to find cracks.” Rosewarne felt sorry for her committed man and actually empathised with his situation.  However, there was no opportunity, ever, to feel for his betrayed partner.  She goes on to cite Michael Vincent Miller from Intimate Terrorism “We have grown careless with one another’s lives to an unprecedented degree, more willing to take each other for granted, more able to destroy one another on almost any pretext of meeting a need, from wanting sex to wanting someone else’s Nike Basketball shoes.”

 

All the OW really gets is the married man’s non-exclusive dick. She offers low maintenance appeal to the man which is “a direct result of the restricted nature of the relationship – not what she’d tolerate in a committed relationship”. But I wonder if this is true.  What wouldn’t Pig Shit tolerate in a committed relationship?  Would she really expect more?  Why can’t Pig shit establish a long-term relationship? Is it because she allows men to treat her like shit, so they do?

 

How about the jealousy, knowing that your lover is going home to his wife? Rosewarne says that “for most of the time I simply saw her as the cause of his problems and my impediment to being with him.”  She pretended she didn’t exist and boxed out the woman who was being betrayed.  “In my case, not thinking about their sex life had nothing to do with a fear that I might be affecting a happy relationship.  In fact, it had nothing to do with alleviating guilt at all; it was simply about alleviating my pain.” Rosewarne is searingly honest about her affair.  There is neither romance or glamour in the narrative.  She, like Gilbert suggests that the man is seeking not better than his wife, just different.

 

The lying and deceit of the married man is also rationalised away. “Although the clandestine relationship is built upon her lover’s betrayal of his wife, the OW is unlikely to imagine he may also be betraying her – that his relationship with his wife might be more emotionally and sexually satisfying, as well as more frequent than he lets on.”

 

I keep coming back to the notion of desperation as the only understandable motivation for being the OW. “Perhaps the self-esteem of the OW is so impaired that she is content that any man is interested in her and instead of construing the relationship as abusive, accepts it as ‘as good as she will get’.” What if she’s never experienced a loving committed relationship?

 

For Rosewarne, as for the majority of OW, it did not end well.  He left his partner but chose not to be with her.  Sadly, she does not regret a minute of it and would, if asked, return to him in a heartbeat. She was entertainment, companionship, sex and conversation for him.  She functioned like a second car or holiday home; a pleasure within the illicit encounters but put back in the box afterwards.  But this was enough for her!

 

How many desperate single women are just waiting in the wings until the opportunity presents itself to snare a man? I find my whole relationship with women and with feminism shifting on the sands of adultery. What is it, about women, that  allows such hostility towards an unsuspecting and vulnerable wife in the name of sexual liberation and freedom of choice.  It’s not good enough to say that the sex doesn’t matter.  Doesn’t matter to whom?  My husband’s sex with Pig Shit’s sex mattered a lot to me. It’s not good enough to say that if he doesn’t think about his wife, why should you.  Firstly, you don’t know that he is not thinking about his wife (he’s hardly likely to tell you) and secondly, when did two wrongs ever make a right?  Being a single woman is not a deficit model of womanhood.  Desperation is not attractive and only sexual in the short-term.

 

I was never desperate to have my husband stay with me. I asked him to leave when his strangeness became a problem.  I did not engage in any ‘pick-me’ dance; I didn’t even know that there was anyone else on the dance floor. Pig Shit offered to buy husband a new bed, get her breasts enhanced (I am well endowed), buy a kitten (we have a cat) and have central heating extended to the room that he would use as an office.  He told her there was no hurry.  No hurry, because he wanted to come home.  He did not want to live with her.  She must haveangry pig luxuriated in the feeling of having won but never realised what she was really competing with – the power of our love, our history and memories, our traditions and our hope for the future.  She was not concerned that I did not know about her UNTIL he dumped her.  It was then, that her faked indifference to me took the form of hatred.  Pig Shit cut me with a million cuts.  I guess that in her desperation it made her feel better.

 

 

Let me leave you with the words of Laura Tracy from her book; The Secret Between Us; competition among women cited by Rosewarne.  It makes for depressing reading but I think it forces us to face the unpalatable truth about ourselves as women.

“The notion of feminist sisterhood often leaves us with an aching sense of distress.  It denies what women know: that we can be spiteful, mean and malicious.  When we think of each other as sisters, we dwell in the dream of sisterhood… sisterhood is not a dream at all.  Sisterhood is painful, incomplete and occasionally humiliating.  It is marred by distrust, disapproval, rejection, bitterness, envy, jealousy, despair and hatred.”

As Rosewarne goes on to say; “womanhood in reality is a bitchy, catty, backstabbing dystopia.  At the same time, it is a wonderland of closeness and intimacy and the kind of understanding that frequently fails to traverse the sex lines.”  Isn’t this so true?  I’ve found the blogosphere to be such a wonderland of closeness.  Perhaps we are a micro-sisterhood?

Image credits: Cake Crumbs by artur84; Cartoon Character Pig Angry by saphatthachatDownload via freedigitalphotos.net

 

Men Who Cheat – What the Other Woman Needs To Know

CaptureSometimes I feel that I have arrived on a different planet. Planet Adultery.

A place where most people commit adultery and where we are led to believe that monogamy is unnatural and adultery an acceptable response to this belief.  What is happening?  Why is an expectancy of fidelity in a relationship now being considered unreasonable?  Why is the bitter truth of the emotional carnage of adultery kept secret?  Why is the sexual act of adultery flavoured with erotic undertones whilst the distasteful and often sleazy aspects of illicit sex and betrayal are ignored?

Before I discovered my husband’s adultery I knew nothing about the wasteland that people entered (by choice or by default), when an eternal triangle was created. A sexual or emotional relationship involving a couple – man and woman – and another man or woman. I think I thought adultery was committed when someone wanted to leave an unhappy marriage or wanted a bit of harmless fun. To be honest, I never really examined what I thought.  Why would I? I wasn’t aware that it was everywhere I looked.  I had no idea that the odds were stacked so high against the likelihood of me having a faithful husband.  I was so sure that my husband would be faithful and that if he wasn’t he should know that I would leave him.  There you have it – wrong on both counts!

I am constantly troubled by the enormous scale of adultery. I know we can’t ever be sure about the numbers, but from those that have been garnered the picture is grim.  However, just because there are a lot of people engaging in the behaviour does not make it acceptable.  My biggest worry is that adultery is beginning to be viewed as ‘normal’ and this will make it even more difficult for the voices of the betrayed partners and families to be heard.  As Jane Fonda said in her book My Life So Far; “It’s hardest to see what’s wrong about what seems normal” 

I have recently read a book entitled Cheat: A man’s guide to infidelity. It is written by three American male comedians who admit to having cheated: Bill Burr, Joe DeRosa and cheatRobert Kelly.  I have no idea who these men are but I got to hear about the book and was curious to see if their perspective could throw any light on the phenomenon that troubles me so much.  Overall it presents, not surprisingly, a misogynistic perspective but wives and girlfriends are hardly mentioned.  This book is about having your cake, eating it AND not getting caught.  Equally, they recognise that shame and guilt looms large in the game of cheating and they hope to wipe them out.  I’m not sure that they do. The sexual objectification of women is solely reserved for the Other Woman, the female that is referred to as the ‘mark’ aka “Choosing a Mark: Who to Fuck, Who to Flee”.   My recommendation would not be for betrayed spouses to read this book because we know what a cheater gets up to and how much of a dirt bag they’re prepared to be.  Instead I would recommend this book to any woman in or thinking about a relationship with a married man.  It would burst their fantasy bubble more effectively than I ever could.

Early in the book they make a distinction between two different types of sex. “To most guys, sex means something only if they are in love with the woman they’re having sex with. Other than that, it doesn’t mean shit.  But the rest of society begs to differ.” I do wonder if this is the case for many men.  I also wonder if some women don’t echo these sentiments. It’s possible that they do but if they do, these authors view it less than attractive.  They suggest that although it might sound awesome “she probably isn’t the most stable individual, and therefore, when she gets upset she’s capable of doing any crazy shit under the sun”. The film Fatal Attraction would be a narrative depicting just this type of scenario.

Men who cheat do not come out of this book with glowing colours or an endorsement for their proclivities and that is rather surprising. Their guide to cheating is peppered with warnings of dire consequences. “Think about it: you’re on the verge of doing something that could destroy not only your life, but also the lives of those around you”. 

The authors don’t throw much light on the why a man might want to cheat in the first place. They say that only the cheater knows but suggest it is because of one of the following: they want the rush, they want the romance, they want some extra passion, they’re a piece of shit.  They suggest the cheater asks himself the following question, “Why am I cheating? Why do I want to bang this other woman? Why is the desire to have some strange lady touch my prick overtaking my life?” I must say, this sounds like a reasonable question to me.  The important thing is timing.  This question needs to be asked before the cheating.  We all know how rationalisation after the event is a crock of shit.

Initial advice to the cheating man is to be aware of any woman who has immediate expectations of them. Expectations are not something that is desirable. However, from their experience they state that even if these expectations don’t exist at the beginning of the affair there’s a high probability that they will develop in time.  As soon as she gets strong desires to know your friends, spend holidays with you or swing by your workplace to say ‘hi’, this is the point at which the cheater must dump her.  “In the nicest possible way of course”. 

Interestingly, cheats can do a little quiz in the book to identify just what type of ‘scumbag’ (their word not mine) they might be. I was interested in the nine categories and share them here with you.

  1. Accidental Tourist – Cheats under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Likely to get caught because his guilt will be overwhelming.
  2. Rookie – Stiff, straitlaced, obsessively organised. High odds on getting caught as not relaxed enough.
  3. Addict – Lack of family structure and proper upbringing. Cheats on everywoman. Will bang anything. Odds on getting caught are high because of sloppy preparation and execution.
  4. Undercover Cop – Very private. Tries to appear faithful and mostly succeeds. His friends know but he will die before admitting it. Low odds on getting caught as he could be water boarded for days and never talk.
  5. Defensive Offensive – Sheer panic caused by insecurity thinking wife doesn’t love him and she’s cheating. Will definitely get caught. Over reaction. No strategy.
  6. Artist – Joins an art class or some such course to explore his creative side as a ruse to bang women. Won’t get caught if he’s happy to talk about the art class to wife.
  7. Co-dependent – Loves to fuck around but has no concept of independence or self-reliance. Ashamed of his infidelity he drags pals into his predicament to be comforted. Not only will he be caught but he will bring everyone else down as well.
  8. Serial killer – Demon with a million dollar smile. Senior position in the clergy or politics. High profile family man. Cons everyone into his wholesomeness. Unlikely to get caught as no one suspects him.
  9. Rock star – Good looking, powerful, unstoppable with women. High sex drive, few ethics and zero remorse.  Charms in and out of any situation.  Impossible to get caught. All blinded by his charm.  Teflon man.

I’ve pegged my husband as #7 the co-dependent.

There is sage advice when choosing who to fuck and who to flee. This is where their views of women who agree to be the cheating Other start to become clear and how the risk of entanglement with the wrong type can spell disaster.  “As a man in a relationship, you must acknowledge the immense power that you hand your OW the second you bang her.  Her ability to completely fuck over your life does not exist until you fuck her” I wonder how many men have realised this aspect of adultery far too late.  I wonder how many women have manipulated their married man so that this power is gained.  After sex, men have to be cautious not to be overly cool or callous as it is likely to make her feel cheap and she will want to exact some form of revenge.  (Don’t I know?)

“The reality is that the same way that there are a bunch of fucked up men out there, there are also a bunch of fucked up women”. Men are advised to avoid married women and to focus on divorcees.  I can only imagine that this is connected to the fact that a married woman has a husband in the background who may threaten physical violence but this is not stated.

Apparently it starts to get problematic if the OW thinks her married man cares about her but this is a fine line to tread because if they think he doesn’t care they will feel cheap. So this needs to be acknowledged.  “It can be risky to pretend you care about your cheat.  When you pretend to care, like it or not, you’ve begun a relationship.  And a side relationship is a landmine waiting to be stepped on”.  The advice is to provide some initial honesty such as ‘I’m in a relationship’.  This will make the gal feel special. “This guy is in love with another woman, but he likes me so much he can’t help himself”.  Following this he is advised to lie, to play down his relationship along the lines of it being in ‘dire straits’ or ‘damaged’.  This is to allow the mark just enough information to draw out her own fantasy about where the affair is headed. She’ll have anywhere from a glimmer to a wellspring of hope that things will eventually work out in her favour. “This guy is stuck with another woman, but he likes me so much he’ll probably leave her” Ouch! Close to the knuckle for OW’s all over the world I suspect!

The OW is presented as just as wretched as the cheating husband. “She’s no angel.  All that shit she says to you “You’re in a relationship; We shouldn’t be doing this; I want to but I can’t”, isn’t really meant for you.  She’s arguing morally with herself out loud.  Because in the end she’s just like you: a dirt ball.  It’s just that sometimes a girl needs an excuse to be dirty.  You have to give it to her.”

Then, after this manipulation, it’s time to weave “I like being with you” “Talking to you is so easy” “I haven’t felt this way in a long time.” Translation: “I want to put my penis in your mouth and then fuck you in the backseat of my Chevy and then go home to the woman I love”. Could Chump Lady’s UBT have translated any better!!!

I am left with the same feelings after reading the book as when I started. Cheating is a sorry wasteland.  Everybody is diminished by the act.

They end the book with a mention about women and cheating. This is a disturbing truth that I have trouble with.  It is clearly not a male problem.  So I have to work out why it feels like one to me? “Women fuck around.  The genius of women and their cheating is the prevalent belief that women rarely cheat.  That their main concern is not physical pleasure.  That they are more into financial security.  In reality, women are just like men: most want to have their cake and eat it too.”

Tell me; is this the legacy of the sexual revolution of the 60s?  Is this what liberated female sexuality is like?  Has sexual fidelity been removed from being a key aspect of an intimate and long lasting relationship for men and for women?  Am I the remains of an ancient species heading for extinction?

The book ends with the following:

“A good man is hard to find? A good woman is even harder to find. A woman that is 100 percent faithful is even harder to find.  A harsh fact.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Single Women Who ‘Love’ Married Men So Much They Let Them Use Them As Booty

letterAs a betrayed spouse, I find it incredulous the amount of abuse you put up with in order to have the attention of a married man.

Firstly, the lies.  I had not realised my husband was a liar and a cheater, but you had this information from the very start.  Why would that appear attractive to you?  If you’re looking for sex, it’s everywhere.  There are so many men (not married or in committed relationships) eager to service hungry sexy women.  There are apps specially designed for the activity! However, if you’re looking for love, that’s a whole different ball game (excuse the pun).  There are far fewer men who are looking for commitment.

So, what  I am beginning to understand is that you can’t find an available man.  Perhaps shagging many men without any emotional content makes you feel abused?  Maybe you think you’re worth so much more.  So you’re in a dilemma, but  then, hey presto, a married man with weak boundaries flirts with you.  He is married to another woman though; shouldn’t that make you STOP?  No, you can’t stop because you have found the perfect man.  Someone who will say “I love you”, someone who will say “you are the perfect woman” someone who will say “my wife and I aren’t sleeping together anymore” someone who will say, that given time “I’ll leave my wife for you”.   You are now being primed for abuse.  You are walking, with your eyes wide open into the wasteland of adultery.  You are allowing yourself to be a married man’s booty.  This is allowing yourself to be abused!

Do you understand what I’m saying?  Do you really?

You may think I’m joking.  You may want to believe I’m joking,  because haha, a married man shagging you and then going home to his wife and family is so funny in the reality from where you find yourself.  Clearly, we have different definitions of funny, but perhaps you truly do find it amusing to think about the man’s wife and the betrayal of her trust.

However, I am not joking. I’m afraid I’m quite serious.

From my reality your actions are saying you are willing to be used sexually by a man who you know for absolute certainty is a liar and a cheater; you are willing to sacrifice your dignity.

For what?

You are impressed by some combination of the married man’s  charisma, and/or good looks. That is understandable. Everybody’s got their something.  However, you are also saying that accepting a share of this man (when he can excuse himself from his primary relationship) would be a fair exchange for his attention, however fleeting you must know that attention would be. When you look past the image, a married man is just a person you know nothing about. Ultimately, you are saying you are willing to be used sexually for the mirage of love and attention in the desert of your life.

However, you must know that you can end this pitiful relationship.  You do not have to endure the lies and deceit that he is dishing out to you.  You, unlike his wife can withdraw your consent to the charade.  There is nothing better than knowing you have some control in a situation that feels so far beyond your control. Why don’t you make use of it?  The wife is the victim, she’s in a situation where she has no choice. You are saying that you want no choice.  It’s difficult to blame the married man for their reasoning that you are ‘available’.

When you tell a married man, at least the man he has shown himself to be, that you would like to stop, it’s likely that he won’t want it to stop.  With adultery it is difficult to stop.  He has gotten used to having his cake and eating it too.  He is afraid that if he dumps you that you will tell his wife.  For you, there is only suffering that will begin and end as he sees fit. You will never have any control. You will never know how good it feels to have this man because he has not chosen you as his primary relationship.  That choice does not include you and never will. Do you understand? Do you see that distinction?

I understand that someone else’s husband means something to you, he arouses you physically and/or emotionally. He arouses you to such an extent you are willing to do whatever it takes to be within his transitory incandescent sphere for even a little while.

I am sorry our culture has treated women so poorly for so long that conducting a sexual relationship with a man who is married to another woman seems like a fair and reasonable trade to you. We have failed you, utterly.  How can it be that we live in a culture where we think it’s okay to be treated like shit just so we can be loved?

I can advise you, your married man is selfish, possibly narcissistic, and maybe a sex addict.  I doubt that he has shown any real remorse for the pain and discomfort you and he are causing his wife.  Why has he not left his marriage?   Trust me, whatever he may say to you he will not be able to demonstrate one ounce of commitment to you.  Instead, he will flagrantly continue to lie to you.  Yes, of course, he has to lie to his wife.  She might leave him if he told her the truth, something that would devastate him totally. But, have you thought about why he might want to lie to you? He may well be emotionally troubled but that’s an explanation for his behaviour, not an excuse.

Over and over again we tell you it is acceptable for men to abuse women. We look the other way. We make excuses. We reward these men for their bad behaviour. We tell you that as a woman, you have little value or place in this society. Clearly we have sent these messages with such alarming regularity and consistency we have encouraged you to willingly run toward something that has no future for you with your eyes and arms wide open

I am sorry.

This blog post is indebted to an essay written by Roxanne Gay “Dear young ladies who love Chris Brown So Much They Would Let Him Beat Them.” I was steered towards this by the lovely Valkyrie and immediately saw the connections between Roxanne’s letter to a young woman who views abuse acceptable and  how single women accept abuse from married men thinking that it is true love that they have found!  I have plagiarised her work, tweaking it to fit this context.

Image Credit: Communication System by Pong via freedigitalphotos.net

Integrity and the sting in its tail!

scorpionIntegrity is a worthy thing is it not? A human characteristic that we would want to foster perhaps? However, in this topsy-turvy Alice in Wonderland world of adultery, integrity plays hide and seek and for the betrayed spouse, it actually has a nasty sting in its tail!

Integrity is at odds with adulterous behaviour.  You can’t have one with the other? How can someone be honest and have strong moral principles yet at the same time constantly lie to their spouse and commit adultery? Break a vow that they had previously made. Equally, how can a single person be honest about the fact that they are having sex with someone else’s husband in the hope that they will eventually leave their wife and be in a committed relationship with them? How do friends manage to lie to the betrayed spouse and carry on as if nothing was wrong? Why would a couple, planning their own forthcoming marriage wish to encourage and facilitate the adultery of someone else? There’s a lot of dishonesty and a lack of moral principles in all this unethical behaviour. In ethics, integrity is the honesty and truthfulness of one’s actions. Morals in action (but only if you have morals in the first place!)

Integrity is also about the state of being whole and undivided, of having an internal consistency. Adultery is at odds with this too. If you are lying, then by default you cannot be consistent with yourself. Like a chameleon, whose colour changes in different surroundings, the adulterer changes his story of himself to the different women in his life. Knowing which friends and family can know and who cannot know demand different talk for different folk. The compartmentalising of emotions so that the betrayal can be addressed more easily divides the thinking so that one part can be closed off whilst another is open.  How fragmented is that? Forget about that part of you for the while.

Lying to the whore about plans to leave the wife, lying to the wife about whereabouts and activities and promising that nothing’s wrong.  Then lying to self about the reality of the wastelands of adultery, that everything is just OK with the situation. The husband involved in an adulterous liaison is a fragmented man, leaving bits of himself out whenever required. Just how do you live with these demands? For me the dishonesty would be too much to bear. Seriously, it would cause my personality to collapse. Who exactly would I be? Who would be the real me?

What about the other woman in all this? Is it ever possible that she could have integrity? To certainintegrity colleagues, friends and family is she in a relationship with an available man? Or, is she not in a relationship, does she keep it hidden? What type of woman does she present herself as? Respectable? Does she openly advertise the fact to everyone that she is willingly shagging a married man in the hope he will leave his wife? Does she openly say, on Valentine’s Day, that she is alone because her ‘boyfriend’ is with his wife? At Christmas does she admit to being single because her ‘boyfriend’ is with his wife and family? Actually, in thinking about this, if she was completely open, then she would have a certain integrity wouldn’t she? But then, wouldn’t she need to let the wife know what is going on? If you have no doubt that what you are doing is right, then why not let the wife know? Shout it from the rooftops “I’m in love, I’m in love with a married man”. Instead the other woman stays in the shadows and bends to meet the adulterous husband’s wants in the hope she will get what she wants in the end. I can’t imagine the other woman ever feeling whole or authentic.

directionThen, for us, there is D-day. This is when we as betrayed spouses feel the sting in integrity’s tail. Whilst for the betraying spouse and the dumped whore integrity is restored. For the betrayed spouse, the reverse occurs.  Whilst up until D-day I had integrity, the truth has compromised my integrity and this remains so. I believe that much of my struggle to come to terms with my husband’s adultery is rooted in my loss of personal integrity.

Firstly, I am by nature a very honest person. I do not like lying for any reason. However, I do not want everyone to know about my husband’s adultery so I lie to certain people. If I do not lie I simply keep the truth to myself, which is the same as lying. Secondly, I believe adultery to be wrong and had always believed that I would not accept it in my marriage, but hey! Who am I now? I’m not who I thought I was. I have found an internal inconsistency.  If I accept adultery now, do I always accept it?  Will I say, the next time it happens would be when I wouldn’t accept it? Can I be sure?

When I received Pig Shit’s text and confronted my husband, I saw his relief. It created such a strong atmosphere, it was palpable. It must have felt like all the parts of him were coming back together! Pig Shit had been honest and let me know what she had been doing with my husband. Did she feel whole again? Authentic? Does she think that she now sits on the moral high ground for some reason?  He unceremoniously dumped me so I told his wife about our shag fests.  Perverse honesty? Can there be such a thing?

road worksOnce the truth of his adultery was all out in the open, did everyone begin to feel their integrity return?

Ironic don’t you think? Just as everyone else starts to regain theirs, I lose mine.

Work in progress!

Image Credits: Scorpion by Nuttapong Reputation; Post-it Note Means Integrity Honesty And Credibility by Stuart Miles; Grunge Arrow Signs Road by taesmileland; Under Construction by digitalart; via freedigitalphotos.net

The Other Woman in Your Head

witchHello! Has the other woman taken up residence in your head?  Who said that she could? When is the eviction?  Hang on, who the f**k is she exactly?

Three years ago I didn’t even know that Pig Shit existed. I had no idea that there was a 50 odd year old desperate dirt bag living in Birmingham, happy to shag other women’s husbands.  A single mother with two teenage children, uneducated, inarticulate and very ordinary looking was conducting a let’s-get-a-motel-and-fuck relationship with my husband that dragged on for eleven months until my stupid husband met his melt down and the beginning of the end started for her. 12 shags in eleven months. Not even a fortnight together but she was putting the pressure on, insisting that he spend more time with her.

I never knew about her BUT SHE KNEW ABOUT ME. That pisses me off. Is that surprising? I don’t even want her knowing my name! So I resent this. Truth be known, it seems that she didn’t want to know much about me at all and certainly nothing about what my husband and I did together. What was this? Ostrich with its head in the sand? Denial? Fear? Did she think that she could just wish me away?

So why have I wanted to know so much about her? Before I go on I need to admit to this has abated somewhat now. I’m sure that this is because her life is so very, very b.o.r.i.n.g, but it may just be a case of time passing and thoughts fading. But, I have to be honest and say that she still resides in my head, YUK!!!! Why is this? I’m convinced that she never pops into my husband’s head without my prompting and of course why would she? She’s the past, someone who meant nothing other than dirty sex. How many of us spend any time thinking about our past loves leave alone people who meant less? It doesn’t happen does it. For my husband she is one big regret, buried under lead.

Over the past three years and our journey of marital recovery I am happy to say that my confidence has returned. I don’t get caught up anymore in that swirling eddy that made me think that there was something missing in me or that she had something special between my husband and her. She is to be pitied. My life is not like hers and never would be. My life, the one she wanted for herself is beyond her reach. I would actually like to meet her and for her to see my husband and me together so that she could have a reality slap. As if, my husband would leave me for her! He is lucky that I agreed to stay with him.

So what is it with these obsessive thoughts we have about the other woman (TOW) when we know it is irrational and totally unnecessary in our marriage recovery. Or is it? It really is so common I wonder if it is a necessary part of the recovery journey. Although TOW is a nothing and a nobody, she leaves a slime like trail within the marriage. She reminds me of my husband’s stupidity, immaturity and selfishness. I cannot wish her away!

“Here’s the thing about the other woman. She lives inside your head. She may live on the next street or in the next town or halfway across the world; she may be five-two or five-nine; she may be rail thin (never skinny) or voluptuous (never fat). But however big or small she is, however much space she takes up in the world, will never compare to the amount of space she’ll take up in your brain. It is there that she will spread herself from wall to wall, eating gift-wrapped chocolates that she will ooze into every nook and cranny of your cerebrum, until you won’t be able to think of anything else. And if you let her take up residence there, no matter when you cut her off, no matter how hard you try to starve her, you may never, ever, get her out.”

“Let’s say you look around the room and realise that at this point, you are the only one keeping TOW company… Some days you think you are beginning to prefer her company to your [husband’s]. It is this thought that allows you to invite her out of your head (whoever she was) to clean up the chocolate wrappers and bring in a wrecking ball to get rid of all remains”

From Pam Houston; Not Istanbul in “The Other Woman” a collection of essays edited by Victoria Zackheim.

I think I’ll be looking to get the wrecking ball in soon.

Image Credit: Green Looking Witch Like Creature by Victor Habbick/freedigitalphotos.net

Single Woman, Married Man!

betrayalWhat sort of relationship did Pig Shit, a single woman have with my husband, a married man?

I know that they met for sex.  I know that he told her that he was planning on leaving me.  I know that he said he loved her but he told me that he said this just to keep her sweet!  I know that he found it easy to dump her.  I know that he didn’t see her that often and used texts and phone calls to keep in touch.  I know that she was always asking to see him more.  I know that she got really angry when he and I went on holiday.  But what was it really like for Pig Shit?  I can’t imagine it being a particularly rewarding or self-affirming experience.   However, she’s not on her own, there’s lots of this going on.  Richard Tuch suggests that the behaviours involved in single woman, married man relationships are so recognisable and predictable that they constitute a genuine syndrome.

“She struggles with the feeling that she is being neglected, but she feels her hands are tied.  Were she to complain too loudly about how neglected she feels, the single woman fears that the married man would quickly tire of her as he had of his wife… He fears that were he to break off the affair, she would retaliate… telling the wife about the affair is number one on her list.”

You don’t have to dig too deep into adulterous relationships to find the shitty core that is hidden or disguised by initial novel sexual activities, lies and secrets.  The relationship stinks.  The betrayed spouse might be able to smell the rotten decay slowly permeating her marriage but at least she’s not generating it or having to facilitate it.  The single woman who signs up for the stinking relationship does this.  Doesn’t the single woman balk at the thought of what she will need to do in order to keep her married man happy?  It’s not just being available for sex when he wants it is it? How does this compare to a relationship with an available man and what in the relationship can ever honestly be perceived as genuine love?

By chance I came across a 2007 blog entry written by ‘Lady Mistress’ which outlines the etiquette required to be a mistress.  I was about to click off the site but curiosity got the better of me.  What I read just confirmed my opinion really.  Women who seek an intimate relationship with a man who is married are either desperate or psychopathological or a bit of both.

One reason my husband gave for getting off with Pig Shit was that she was sexually very easy. He didn’t have to chase her or try hard.  From the first meeting she was eager to have sex with him whenever he was able to get an evening away from me, his wife. In truth, this actually wasn’t very often.  12 meet ‘n shags in twelve months.

It would be funny if it wasn’t so fucking sad.  After a few months from when the adultery first started and I had noticed a distancing from him – I asked him if there was someone else.  He looked at me and said “How could there be anyone else, I’m always here”.  This would get me every time.  Of course there couldn’t be anyone else could there?   A woman would want so much more wouldn’t she?  I came to the conclusion that it could not be a love affair of any kind and instead concluded that it must be a series of one night stands.  Obviously, this was me projecting my values on to another woman.

I remain deeply perplexed that a woman could settle for so little and yet have the expectation of so much.  My husband told Pig Shit that he and I did not get on any more.  So this made it OK for her I guess.  Just a matter of time before he and she would become a ‘proper’ relationship. So why didn’t he leave me then?  Why didn’t he tell me about her and his ‘plans’ to leave me for her?  Why was she content to be a secret but only until he dumped her?  It was only after he dumped her that she wanted me to know ALL ABOUT HER AND HIM.  Why?  Surely, it would have been better for her to tell me about herself whilst my husband was shagging her.  If my husband and I didn’t get on any more what reasons did he give for staying with me that made her agree to continue to be his mistress?

Reading the mistress etiquette rules made me realise even more what an utter mess Pig Shit must be.  What type of sincere, lasting relationship can be expected from such ridiculous and flimsy foundations?  Allow me, if you will, to share some of the etiquette tips suggested for mistresses: lady mistress

  • You are a mistress NOT a Mrs. Know you place. You are #2 not #1. (I could not knowingly accept this EVER)
  • Even if he tells you he loves you more than his wife, don’t let that go to your head. As a rule, he is lying. (I would have thought this obvious – if he is still with his wife, durgh!)
  • Mistresses should be ready to give up Valentine’s Day, Christmas Day, New Year’s Day, Holy Days and his birthday. Mistresses are also called “holiday orphans.” (This would make me feel very sad and neglected. Also suspicious.  Why would the husband want to spend Valentines day with the wife he doesn’t get on with and who he is planning to leave?)
  • Don’t call him, wait for him to call you. (but what if you had something really important to say or needed some token of affection? What if you didn’t feel well? What if you just wanted to share something?  You just have to wait??????  And this makes you feel good?)
  • Love is lovelier when it’s forbidden. Because it’s forbidden it’s supposed to be hidden. (For how long?  If he doesn’t want to be with his wife why does it need to be forbidden? What do I tell my family, my friends?  Am I OK with saying I’m going out with a married man?)
  • Never believe, and never say anything unfriendly about his wife, not even after he recites a litany of her faults. (But the wife is the competition.  Surely some things can be said in order for the married man to know that I am the better woman for him?)
  • Sooner or later, some mistresses feel so loved that they begin to think of the wife as the other woman. (Yes, I think this delusion is common)
  • When he breaks a date, charge it to fate, not his fecklessness. (Naturally, the wife has to be his priority but soon he will leave her won’t he, so that’s OK)
  • Mistresses don’t complain. They shouldn’t. It’s the wives, according to their husbands, who are always complaining. (Husband told me that Pig Shit never complained when they were together, only occasionally over the phone when asking to see more of him or when he told her over the phone that he was going on holiday with me)
  • Being No.2, the mistress tries harder. (I suppose the bag of dildos, sex toys and Ann Summers body stocking addresses this? Plus the multiple organisms – fake or real?)
  • What does your man do after sex with you his mistress? Go home to his wife. (Of course.  And every evening he is with his wife often doing nothing together which is exactly what Pig Shit was desperate for)
  • Don’t use tears as a weapon. He’s probably had enough of that from the Mrs. Wives nag. Wives cry. If only for that reason, a mistress doesn’t use tears to get what she wants. (So do other strategies have to be employed to get your own way?)
  • Resist the urge to be found out. For every action, the laws of nature decree an equal and opposite reaction.
  • Perish all thought that someday you’ll be No. 1.
  • Married men who keep mistresses don’t like surprises, as a rule.
  • A man with a mistress leads a double life, his mistress only half life. Cheer up! A career will make you whole.
  • Resist the urge to shower him with gifts. Evidence, evidence…!
  • When in doubt, disappear.

In truth, I can only see this as an abusive relationship. How did Pig Shit think otherwise?  My husband was her second married man.  A relationship with a married man is so different isn’t it from a single man.  Can a woman who has signed up for such an adulterous relationship ever then have a normal relationship?  Would she know how to behave?  The rules of engagement in a normal relationship are so very different.

Pig Shit is 53 years of age.  Twice married.  Twice divorced.  Conducting sexual relationships against the backdrop canvass of two teenagers from her second marriage.  Two relationships with married men; the first lasted three years and he had a key to her house so that he could come and go freely, the second, with my husband lasted one year.  She also had a long term relationship with a man who ran off with her best friend.  There’s probably a lot more.  This is what I know from what my husband told me. But it is a mess of relationships isn’t it?  Desperate divorce detritus. There’s nothing to envy here.  What woman in her right mind would want her life to look like this?

Image Credit: Love Triangle by marin via freedigitalphotos.net