Resources for helping to understand adultery

questionsOnce I had found out about my husband’s infidelity my head became a sea of questions about his actions and consequent betrayal of my trust.  Many questions that I asked him resulted in me becoming very frustrated because he didn’t seem to fully understand himself what had happened or why he did it.  This meant that I needed to find information from elsewhere and I am indebted to the following resources for helping me to better understand what had happened in my marriage and for providing me with a much larger canvass for me to place my personal narrative of the experience of adultery.

Peggy Vaughan has been a prolific writer and champion of the need to recognise firstly the hurt and destruction caused by extramarital affairs, and secondly the need for help in healing from the experience.  Unfortunately she died in November 2012 but it is possible to access her words of wisdom.  Her web page Dear Peggy is a cornucopia of support!

BAN the Beyond Affairs Network, set up by Peggy Vaughn.   “A life-saver for people struggling alone to deal with a spouse’s affair. The isolation of dealing with this alone can make a bad situation even worse.  BAN provides support and strength from people who understand and identify with the issues a person faces. There’s nothing like interacting with others who have been there.” Find out if there is a support group in your area that you could join.

Anne Bercht is the woman who carries the baton from Peggy.  Anne wrote a book entitled My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me and has taken over the role of director at the Beyond Affairs Network (BAN) which offers resources and advice for families and couples committed to recovering from infidelity and surviving extramarital affairs .  Anne along with her husband Brian are committed to helping couples and individuals affected by infidelity restore their lives and get from broken to healthy and whole again via their Passionate Life Seminars.  There are free useful resources and interesting podcasts which help to put things into perspective as well as seminars and counselling opportunities.

 

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2 thoughts on “Resources for helping to understand adultery

  1. Valkyrie-mad-but stable

    I remember the day someone told me (upon the discovery of my husbands long-term betrayal). They said, “If someone did a brain scan on you right now? Your brain would look like that of a gun shot wound.”

    I would like to submit my (hard won) list of resources that addressed and VALIDATED personal experience of being the betrayed partner:

    Ana Fels (Article in New York Times titled “Great Betrayals.”
    Robert Weiss (video called Internet sex, infidelity and working with betrayed spouses)
    Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means “Your sexually Addicted Spouse.”

    * THIRTEEN DIMENSIONS OF SEX ADDICTION-INDUCED TRAUMA (SAIT) AMONG PARTNERS AND SPOUSES IMPACTED BY SEX ADDICTION (Dr. Omar Minwalla).

    Other resources:

    Frank Pittman (Private Lies)
    Kate Figes “our cheating hearts.” (amazing chapter on impact upon children)

    David Buss (any papers on human mate poaching. The Dark Triad: narcissism, machiavellianism and psychopathology.

    Also major fan of Peggy Vaughan and would add work by Shirley Glass

    * Please look first and foremost at the work of Dr. Omar Minwalla and his traum-work with those betrayed.

    I will add the following list of PTSD symptoms taken from Steffens and Means – those that we are likely to feel when betrayed by our partners.

    “Trauma victims of all kinds respond in predictable emotional, behaviors and physiological ways as their minds and bodies attempt to survive and adapt to a shattering and/or dangerous situation. Trauma as we noted can produce some of the following symptoms among others.

    Hyperarousal
    Reliving the event
    Intrusive Images
    Panic Attacks
    Oversensitivity
    Dissociation
    Health Problems
    Helplessness
    Hypervigilance
    Withdrawing
    Phobias
    Depression
    Inability to eat
    Chronic Fatigue
    Sleeplessness
    Anxiety
    Avoidance
    Flashbacks
    Restlessness
    Overeating
    Immune/endocrine System Problems
    Immobility
    Nightmares
    Mood Swings
    Denial
    Confusion
    Rage

    Attempts to avoid painful stimuli and scan the environment for dangers are common reactions among trauma survivors and the often become hypersensitive to any indication that the threat may have returned.

    Reply

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