Tag Archives: the other woman

The other woman’s hatred for the wife

can of wormsAdultery’s Can of Worms 

I can think of no better way to describe my experience of adultery than of opening a can of slimy worms and having to live with them.  My advice to anyone who has yet to have had the bad fortune of adultery in their lives is NOT to venture near this can and certainly NOT to open it.  If you do, you’re gonna regret it, so you better forget it!!!!  Trust me.

You see, it’s not just my idiot husband’s behaviour that is in this can.  It’s also the skank of the other woman and all the other individuals who conspired with their adulterous behaviour.  It is also all the issues that the experience dregs up from the bottom of the emotional barrel for me.  It is also the societal  values that I seem to notice more and more which  romanticises adultery at the expense of the pain incurred by everyone.  It is also about how women behave to other women and whether I am wrong to expect more from my own gender.

I do not condone any woman who willingly has an intimate relationship with a man she knows to be married.  I don’t condone it but over the last few years I have explored the motives.  Basically it is either utter selfishness or utter desperation or a mixture of both.  If a woman hasshadows no concerns about the impact of her behaviour on another woman and her children then she will happily behave in a way that hurts another.  Whether this in itself gives her some form of joy I wouldn’t like to guess.  Whatever it is, it’s an aggressive form of behaviour.  Equally, if a woman has no life of her own to speak of and desperately wants a man in her life then maybe once a month or whenever, a bit of sex dressed up as love and intimacy is better than nothing at all.  Better than the lonely feeling of being on the shelf, undesirable and  untaken.  Does her cruel behaviour stem from envy of those women who do have a partner, who have what she feels she deserves.   Envy and aggression are not often linked directly to female behaviour  because I suspect it is because they are hugely undesirable traits for a woman to have.  There’s probably a lot of denial going on.

Whilst the behaviour of the other woman might be well documented in various places, I have sought a more comprehensive understanding of difficult and shameful female to female relationships.  This is because as well as exploring Pig Shit’s behaviour towards my husband and towards me, I have been trying to come to terms with the behaviour of a woman who I thought was a friend, of sorts.  This woman (Reptile) was the girlfriend of one of my husband’s old school chums (Dork).  We saw each other at couple’s events and actually went on holiday together as a foursome, travelling around France.  I had no reason to believe that she did not like me in any way and I had no reason to think that I might have offended her in any way.  She always seemed most pleasant.  However, it was she who introduced her friend Pig Shit to my husband on a night when I was at home in London.  After drinks in a bar they all went back to Reptile and Dork’s house.  When my husband left he tells me that Pig Shit followed him to the door and they had a snogging session.  (classy eh?)

Now, what was the Reptile’s response to this?  (I probably need to point out here that both Pig Shit and Reptile had a husband betray them and leave them for another woman) Did she tell her friend not to go there because he was married and it might all end up a terrible mess?  Clearly not!  Instead she and her boyfriend ‘normalised’ the adultery in a most perverse manner.  They not only actively encouraged it, they facilitated it by allowing them both to stay overnight and shag in their spare room.  I now know that there were times when I sat talking to Reptile, being nice to her and socialising, when she had the knowledge that my husband was shagging her friend.  Did she enjoy this?  Why did she choose to stab me in the back in such a manner?  She could have made her excuses and not come along, but then she would not have been able to gloat.

The irony of all this is that whilst the Reptile and Dork were encouraging and facilitating the weddingadultery of my husband with Pig Shit they were making arrangements for their own wedding!!!  Surely, this must make bad karma for their marriage. I had made a grand fuss when I found out about the proposal, squealing with delight and wanting to know how it all occurred.  The thought of my enthusiastic response now makes me feel sick.

On one occasion, we were at a restaurant and an announcement was made that my husband was to be their best man.  This was not done quietly.  Dork did not approach my husband and ask if it would be possible bearing in mind his two timing situation.  No, in the middle of the evening, Reptile stood up with Dork and announced their plan.  I applauded the idea and was very happy for everyone.  When I look back now, I wonder what she was thinking.  Was she expecting my husband to take me to the wedding and have Pig Shit there as well?  Was she hoping that my husband and I would have separated? Was it all a cruel game? The thought just horrifies me.  Husband says that he could feel the noose tightening and was going to arrange for us to be on holiday as soon as he knew what date was going to be set for the marriage.  Further lies and deceit to hide the mess he’d gotten himself into.

When my husband chose to dump Pig Shit the Reptile gave her my mobile telephone number so that she could inform me of their adultery.  I also know that a couple of days were spent trying to find out from others where my husband was.  Dork was not involved in this but the Reptile was.  I suspect that she was the one who wanted me to know exactly what had been going on in the hope that I would not stay with him. I felt that there was a panic between my husband dumping her and the text two days later to spill the beans.  It was as if they were terrified that he was going to remain with me. I get a sense that Reptile was very instrumental in the adultery and later disclosure.  Clearly she wanted me to know that my husband had been unfaithful. She was not prepared to act as if nothing had happened once my husband dumped Pig Shit.  She could play nice when she knew I was being silently betrayed but could not play nice if it meant that my husband and I were to carry on ‘as normal’.

Once the truth came out and the shit hit the fan my husband severed all contact not only with Pig Shit but with Dork as well.  As he is part of a big group of old school chums all the blokes in this group have been wiped out of our joint lives.  Two of them were happy to sit and have drinks with my husband and Pig Shit, Dork and Reptile, further normalising their behaviour.  The rest of them probably knew but did not have any involvement.  They are collateral damage.  I never want to see the Reptile again as long as I live.  Now she has to live with the consequence of her choices.

What makes women so hostile to other women?  Why is it done so secretly and spitefully?  Is there not enough misogyny in our world for women to try to behave better to each other?

I think some of these answers need a very deep analysis.  Phyllis Chester an American writer, psychotherapist, and professor emerita of psychology and women’s studies at the College of Staten Island wrote a book in 2001 entitled ‘Woman’s Inhumanity to Woman’.  It’s a troubling book but it raises a lot of uncomfortable issues that I think we as women need to consider.  She makes a number of interesting observations.  Firstly, we need to realise that women are sexist. We have “internalised the prevailing misogynistic ideology which we uphold both in order to survive and in order to improve our own individual positions vis-à-vis all other women”.

Secondly women can be aggressive.  Whereas men are often openly aggressive in direct and dramatic ways, women are seldom physically violent, instead they act indirectly and the targets of their aggression are not men but other women and children.  Indirect aggression is aggressionanonymous aggression.  Girls learn from a young age that a safe way to attack someone else is behind her back, so that she will not know who is responsible.  However, aggression in females is a taboo subject and often suppressed by being systematically ignored.  Labelled as irrational, hysterical or bitchy.  Girls also view aggression more negatively than boys do and so tend to deny it even to themselves.  But the danger is that if girls are trained to say that aggression is wrong even whilst continuing to be aggressive then they may be learning to disassociate themselves from their negative behaviour.  This capacity might prove resistant to the acknowledgement that is required before recognition and change can occur.  If a woman pretends to herself that she is kind to other women when she is not, she will have no reason to learn how to resist her aggressive  inclinations.

Pleasingly Chesler reports that most women do not hate women; only some do.  “The data indicate that women who are hostile toward other women don’t feel good about themselves.  They have lower personal self-esteem, optimism, sense of self-efficacy, life satisfaction, and higher objectified body consciousness compared to women who are not hostile to other women.” Sums up most Other Women, no?

Thirdly we need to acknowledge all aspects of female behaviour.  The book argues that we must free ourselves from the bonds of ‘inauthentic niceness’.   Recognise that we have real power over each other.  Women are not innocent of the betrayals they commit but their ignorance of what’s going on and why robs them of the power to act otherwise.  However, it is impossible to malicechange one’s behaviour if it is not named first.  We need to acknowledge the shadow side of female to female relationships to each other, not only the sunny side.  If a woman treats another woman inhumanely, cruelly or sadistically, she needs to understand how powerful, painful and paralysing the effect is.  Naming and acknowledging this is the first step.  It has got to become easier for women to talk about how other women have hurt them and how they might have mistreated other women themselves.

We are competitive but we deny even to ourselves that we envy or compete. We cannot insist that we are all sisters or that we are the kinder gender, this would be foolish and self-destructive.  We need to understand the process required in order to respect and not violate another woman’s boundaries.  It begins with being able to maintain our own boundaries first.

I have been hurt by two women and although I recognise it was my husband’s choice to betray me I must be able to hold them accountable for the harm they did me.

Image Credits: First Time In School by Vlado; Aggression by Sujin Jetkasettakorn; Wedding Ring by Boykung; Malice” by rattigon  all via freedigitalphotos.net

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Married men are easier to ensnare!

BlogTomorrow, my husband and I fly off to Madeira for a week. 

We have been there before.  Twice in fact.  The first time was in June 2011 and we had a great time.  The photos of that holiday serve as a reminder of our happy marriage.  We chilled out, met new people,  went on boat trips, admired the scenery, bought back a few knick-knacks for gifts and for our house and, as always, had lots of sex!  This is why it is so difficult to understand his actions eight weeks later.  Because eight weeks after we returned he went, without me,  to a bar with his friend and waiting for them was his friend’s fiancé and her friend – the desperate Pig-Shit.  And the rest is just history.  Rotten, sordid, skanky history.  A fabulous opportunity for my poor husband (???????) to have all his needs meet (every few weeks in some hotel) by a woman who is unable to compete in the singles dating scene.  You see married men are so much easier than single men to ensnare.

I was recently talking to a girlfriend who is on the dating scene and she is gorgeous.  However, she says that women are practically throwing themselves at men!  Then, the men are behaving very cavalier because they are getting sex easily (many shagging on the very FIRST date) and there’s a queue of single women just waiting to compete!  She says it is terribly easy to feel rejected heart3but she is holding out until she meets a man who does want commitment further than a first few dates.  However, she also says that the older men (50+) are the most reluctant to commit, and in the main are looking for younger women.  So, this made me think about Pig-Shit.  She is not an attractive woman! Plus she’s quite dim! (Perhaps her greatest attraction?) She would shag the man immediately and then what?  He would go off to pastures new and she would be desperately alone again.  A married man is thinking of youvery different.  They don’t have the time for the dating game, but with a little ingenuity can easily dance around the loyal and trusting wife at home who they’ve been having sex with for years.  All the whore has to do is offer convenient and easily available sex on the married man’s terms and hey presto, she has herself her ‘man‘!  A regular dose of insincere protestations of love and there she is wallowing in her ‘new and wonderful’ relationship.  She doesn’t have to worry about where he might be because she knows where he is – at home with his wife, and she will scratch out a relationship from the scraps of that marriage because it offers her more than what any single man would be prepared to offer her.

I learned something new about Pig-Shit the other day.  I knew that she had been shagging a married man for three years prior to shagging my husband.  He lived in the same skanky town as her and she provided him with a key so that he could conveniently have his booty whenever he wanted.  (She haskeys two children!!!).  I recently discovered that she told my husband that the relationship with him ended because… he went back to his wife!  WTF??????  Pig-Shit is in lala land.  He never went back to his wife.  How could he, he never left her.  So Pig-Shit, the simpleton, thinks that whilst she is shagging a married man she is the one in a ‘proper’ relationship.  The wife is simply an inconvenience.  How can this be ‘love’ of any kind? It makes me sick to my stomach.

blog 3So anyway, since D-day and my decision to allow my husband to stay and work at rebuilding the love and the trust of our marriage we have had several lovely holidays.  But Madeira has been a key destination for putting Pig-Shit behind us.  We visited it a second time last year in 2013 and off we go again on Wednesday.  The truth is, we get on so well.  We enjoy each other’s company and are closely in synch with each other.  It’s almost like we can read each other’s minds.  We eat, drink, swim, visit places together and then whilst he sunbathes to the sound of the music in his headphones, I’m close by, in the shade with my wonderful books.  Apart from the year with Pig-Shit it has always been like this.

It is such a shame.  My husband is an absolute fucking idiot.

Image Credits: 3d Person Behind The Road Destroyed And Love Symbol by renjith krishnan; Thinking About You On Phone Means Love Miss Get Well by Stuart Miles; Keys On A White Background by Serge Bertasius Photography; both courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

Whatever Happened to the ‘Bit on the Side’?

labelWhat respect does the ‘other woman’ deserve?

Over the past few days I have found myself giving some thought to the names that are chosen to label the woman who is having sex with another woman’s husband.  In many quarters, I detect a certain amount of restraint.  ‘Other Woman’ is a favourite I think.  ‘Affair Partner’ is another.  All very civilised I have to say.  Now, I get where everyone is coming from with regards to behaving with dignity and recognising her as a human being with flaws of her own but I’m not sure that I buy into this civility.   Even after two years post D-day!  It’s just that I think the terms are too romantic and don’t indicate the scummy nature of adultery.  I also think that these terms afford them far too much respect. I reckon there might even be women out there who LIKE to be referred to as the ‘other woman’ as it gives them a sense of frisson!

I was wondering if we might not be able to create a more apt label that us betrayed spouses (don’t like that term either) would find more appropriate which strikes a balance between the dirty, messy and graceless business that they got up to with our husbands and the need to offer a measure of civility.  I guess it needs to verge on the conservative in order to be adopted en masse.  Can’t say that I’ve been able to curtail my enthusiasm for labelling my husband’s folly grotesquely.   I named the old trout ‘Pig Shit’ and it has stuck.  We both call her that now but I know that this wouldn’t be suitable for the mass markert – it’s much more tailored to the desperate dingbat that was dropping her knickers for MY husband.   Earlier names for her were Skank, Skanker, Dirtbag, and Whore.   I CANNOT AND DON’T WISH TO REFER TO HER BY HER ACTUAL NAME.  It makes me want to vomit!  Since reading the adultery blogs I have been privileged to read of many names, ALL wonderfully ‘spot-on’.  ‘Pit-faced Whore’  does a lovely job for me; conjuring up an ugly desperate woman eager to please with her sexual tricks like a circus monkey.

And then I remembered an idiom (I think it’s an English thing) that used to be used.  They were referred to as a ‘bit on the side’!  Now, I thought, that’s much better than ‘affair partner’ orbit on the side ‘other woman’.  Or is it just me?  You see, I can’t imagine anyone happy to say that they were a man’s bit on the side.  BUT, doesn’t it sum up their position so much better?  They are NOT a partner; they are NOT the other.  They are OUTSIDE the committed and legally recognised relationship of marriage.  They are nothing but a different sexual experience for a lazy, lying and cheating man. They can’t ring their ‘man’ when they want to; they can’t see him on significant dates like birthdays, Christmas, Valentines etc.  They can’t go on holiday with him. They wouldn’t be able to visit him if he went into hospital.  They are a dirty secret and when not with him they have to know that he is with his wife.  Sharing a marital bed and all the social events that married couples share.  The wife is the significant partner in the man’s life.   But, he wants to have sex with someone else.  Someone who is easily available and willing to have sex at his convenience.

I still wonder at what stories Pig Shit must have told herself to convince herself that my husband loved her.  It could not have had anything to do with his actions.  He treated her appallingly.  Was she thinking of herself as the ‘woman in the wings’ – the woman who he was going to leave me for?  Maybe she thought of herself as the ‘Other Woman’ or the ‘Affair Partner’.  Perhaps she would have been better informed if she had realised she was never more than his ‘Bit On The Side’.  She’d be even better informed now if she knew that he referred to her as Pig Shit. Haha!!

Image Credits: Greeting Card And Copyspace by Stuart Miles; Figure Holding Plate” by Master isolated images; both courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

When the media condones adultery

Over the past few years I have become increasingly aware of the widespread devastation caused by adultery, especially the impact that it has on the betrayed spouse.  The creeping suspicion that eats away like a creeping cancer whilst the affair is going on, day by day slowly consuming self-confidence, self-esteem and sanity as you are constantly lied to and betrayed.  The life shattering disclosure that confirms your worst suspicions and then turns the world you know completely upside down.  Then the isolation and sense of failure and shame.  I consider adultery as a serious form of abuse.  So I was shocked and appalled when the NY confetti2Times chose to CELEBRATE a man’s choice to cheat and divorce his wife in an article entitled Vows | An Imperfect Beginning.  Be warned, this is not for the fainthearted.

It introduces us to the  ‘love story’ between Vince Taylor and Rebekah Gordon.  Here we have them sharing their personal stories of love and life and how they overcame the obstacle they faced.  That Vince was married with kids when they met.

Rebekah has given some thought to this relationship of hers.  She notes, philosophically that people have baggage (quaint term) and that Vince was ‘complicated’ because of past relationships andluggage children.  However this fact just makes them ‘real’. Not ‘picture-perfect’ – but ‘real’!!!  They worked together for TWO LONG DAYS.  Yup!  two days!  She thought he was handsome but noticed his wedding band so confined herself to just work. (What reserve this woman showed!).  Following these two long days they corresponded regularly by e-mail and messaging.  (Who amongst us hasn’t experienced this from our spouses?).  The change from friendship to lovers (so we are told)happened when he gave her a birthday present, something that he made her, which he hoped would acknowledge his feelings for her.  He found it difficult though!  Because he was married he felt an ‘invisible boundary’ (nicely put don’t you think?).  She says it was tough but it was the ‘right way forward’.  Of course.  FOR HER!

Poor Vince found going through the divorce really difficult.  At times he says he would not have been able to get out of bed without Rebekah’s help and support.  Tell me, who was supporting his WIFE?  How was she handling this turn of events?  Where is she now I wonder?  I do so hope that she is healing from this nightmare.  Having them on television must be awful.

Apparently, Rebekah says that they recognise a ‘third’ person in their relationship.  This third person is his kids and his marriage!  Note, she never mentions his wife.  The wife has seemingly disappeared completely.  She has no name and no position within this scenario.  Instead she has just become part of the ‘baggage’ of his previous marriage.  But Rebekah is confident that what they have is worth fighting for because they are moving forward as a family unit now. Whilst talking from their couch, you hear children calling and they both call back and Rebekah decides to go see what they’re up to.  I’m presuming that these are the children from his previous marriage.

brushSo, the betrayed spouse has in one clean sweep been brushed out of the picture completely. And we wonder why we feel such isolation when dealing with a betraying husband.  We are being erased from our own lives and no one seems to give a damn!  It’s like we are being silenced.  We are the inconvenient truth of selfish and immediate sexual gratification and society’s endorsement of behaving as you want rather than behaving in a way that is right.

Of course it’s TV.  Of course it’s the media.  Of course I don’t know all the details.  What I do know is that a family unit was torn apart because of a two-day work assignment.  Why can’t temptation be handled in a less selfish way?  How can this couple’s attitude be acceptable? I am saddened and dismayed by this.

Image Credits:  Confetti” by Salvatore Vuono; Travelling Bag by Salvatore Vuono; Wood Brush by Keerati; all courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

The Other Woman

pigI don’t know how normal this is, but I have developed a morbid fascination with the woman who chose to have sex with my husband.  I suspect some wives may handle the situation by not wanting to know, but for me and my inquisitive nature I have felt compelled to find out more about her.  I didn’t know that she even existed before the disclosure but now I know there is a lonely and desperate 52 year old woman living in Birmingham with two teenage children who had wanted my husband for herself.  She wanted me to know of her existence once it was clear that my husband did not want sex with her anymore. I have named her Pig Shit in recognition of the role she has played in my life during the past three years (one year as the OW, and two years of my healing from the trauma).

Do I blame her for my husband’s infidelity?  No.  He was responsible for making that choice.knickers  However, the speed at which she was willing to drop her knickers and sexually offer herself and the little she expected from my husband in return, leads me to wonder if he would have slid into the mess quite so easily had he have needed to put in more effort.

Firstly, I needed to know what she looked like.  Not difficult in today’s age of social media.  I was quite shocked at what I discovered.  If I were to imagine the woman my husband would be attracted to – this woman was the exact opposite.  Uneducated, short and frumpy in dress style; more mumsy than sexy.  If I’m honest, this was a disappointment to me.  Having him want sex with this left me confused.  I have always been a sexy underwear gal and consider myself attractive and stylish, so was suspecting a ‘drop-dead’ gorgeous younger woman to be his Pig Shitconsort.  That she was so very ordinary and certainly no head turner, I found bewildering.  I asked him why her.  His reply was that she came on very strong, he knew that she was game and that he would be able to easily have sex with her.  He did not consider her more attractive than me – simply different. On reflection, I realise that I was crazy to think that he would be able to have a ‘first rate’ or lovely woman for an affair because that type of woman would not accept so little.  They would know their worth and get sufficient attention from available men.  My husband is not a rich or powerful man, there was little he could offer Pig Shit apart from infrequent sex and insincere promises of love.  Pig Shit asked for nothing more.

He said that he bought her a bracelet from a jewellery shop in a shopping mall in Derby.  They were walking around and looked in the shop window.  They went in and he bought her a bracelet of her choice.  It cost about £40.  As this was a few days before Christmas (22nd December) I suspect that this acted as the Xmas gift.  He said that she wept after he purchased it.  Wept!!!!!  She said that no man had ever bought her a present before!  (Is this believable?????)  He said it made him feel sorry for her. By this time they would have had the total of four nights premier inntogether.  He met her on the 13th August.  The first two shag-fests were in her home town in Birmingham and were in 5 star hotels.  After this my husband went distinctly down market because Premier Inns and Travelodges became the ‘romantic’ rendezvous settings.

A very strange thing happened on their first ‘get together’ (I could use more descriptive terminology here but it wouldn’t be elegant) which baffles me (and my husband).  He had organised a hotel for them and on his way there (He drove 120 miles as we live in London!) she tearang him and asked him to come to her house first.  He says he thought that they were going to have an early shag so agreed.  When he got there she had her two teenage children in the house and they all had a cup of tea before she left to go off with my husband (in separate cars) to the hotel.  WTF!

I find this really odd!  Why would you want your teenage children to meet the married man that you are about to shag for the first time.  This isn’t a ‘date’ is it?  Not in my understanding. This was a form of ‘booty call’. They had earlier met in a bar in Derby on August 13th 2011.  My husband was in Derby to visit his widowed mother and went out drinking with an old male school friend who I know, lets call him Dork.  Dork is in a long term relationship with a woman who I will name Reptile (Dork and Reptile came to our wedding six years ago).  Both Dork and Reptile went to the same school as my husband but Reptile is about four years younger. Husband and Dork after drinking in several pubs go along to a bar where Reptile is with her friend.  Guess who her friend is, yep… Pig Shit.  Pig Shit also went to the same comprehensive school and said that she remembers my husband.  (Did she consider my husband a childhood sweetheart I wonder?????? Scary!)  He says he cannot recall her at all.  I’m inclined to believe him because she is four years younger and this makes a huge difference in school.

They all went back to the Reptile’s house and my drunken husband snogged Pig Shit in the hallway of the house.  How ‘romantic’.  They arrange to meet on the 8th September , three and a half weeks from their first meeting.This would be for SEX.  A booty call. No, dating, to see if they connect with each other.  No going to the cinema or listening to music.  Nope.  After the tea with her children they are off to the hotel where she has brought along her bullet sex toy.  The next morning he returns home to me.

She then has to wait 8 weeks for her next shag (November 7th).  This time, again in a five star hotel in Birmingham, Pig Shit dresses in an Ann Summers black body stocking for my husband as a birthday treat.  His birthday, which he spent with me was a few days earlier.  Imagining her dressed in such attire as part of the shag-fest for my husband makes me feel quite nauseous.  However, I would rather know than not know.

Then, she was just available for my husband whenever it was convenient for him and fitted with when he had to travel for work. So for example, if he were to have work in Oxford, he would book a hotel for the night before so he did not have to travel from London on the morning of the work. He would tell her and she would drive from Birmingham to Oxford that evening, have a meal in a pub (she paid her half) and then they would shag.  Then in the morning he would go to work and so would she – doing her £10 an hour job.  In the period of time from their first meeting on August 13th till I asked him to leave our family home on the 6th July (almost 11 months), Pig Shit spent a total of 12 nights with my husband.  During that time he went to Amsterdam (9th – 11th March) with his old school chums (Wouldn’t she have thought this a rather perfect opportunity for him  to be with her?) and went on holiday with me 5-16th June.  Funnily enough, I didn’t want to go on holiday but my husband insisted.  He told her that I had arranged a surprise holiday for us.  How bizarre!  Apparently she was very upset about this.  She was of the opinion that after shagging him for the grand total of 11 nights, SHE was entitled to go on holiday with him.  It doesn’t sound like a case of him being keen to be with her.  If I was with a single man I piggywould know that him not choosing to see me more frequently was a sign that he just wasn’t into me.  Perhaps it’s different when you’re chasing a married man, you don’t see the relationship in the same way.  Funnily enough, I once had a relationship with a guy who lived in Arizona and I saw him more frequently than my husband saw Pig Shit. What on earth did she tell herself to make it possible to accept so very little?   He sent her texts promising love and a future together.  She must have believed his words and chose to ignore his actions.  He says that he told her he loved her to keep her sweet and to keep the sex going.  Really, she was like THE CHEAPEST OF CHEAP PROSTITUTES! Surely she didn’t see herself in this light.  So how did she see herself for goodness sake?

Now, you have to add to this mix my husband’s home life with me.  He had become distant and I was at a loss as to what the matter was.  I instinctively knew it was sex.  However, because he was so seldom apart from me (we work from home together a lot of the time)  I came to the assumption that it was prostitutes, and engaging with the sort of sex that some of his old school chums were getting up to.  He started to do very strange things like fill up his diesel car with petrol; act weird and say odd things unexpectedly.  I kept asking what was wrong and in what I now recognise as typical adulterous behaviour, he would turn the tables and make out that I was the problem, that I was unbearable.

One night towards the end he really lost it.  He was an emotional wreck.  Told me how much he loved me.  He held me so tight, we both cried in each others arms. Now I look back, I think that this was probably the most saddest moment in our marriage because he desperately needed to tell me but couldn’t. The deceit was so much depresssedeasier than disclosure even though it was having a devastating effect on the both of us.   The next day he sat down with his head in his hands (I hardly recognised him) and he told me that he just couldn’t be here.  I kept asking what he meant by ‘here’ but he wouldn’t elaborate.  By now, I couldn’t bear any more.  I said that I heard him and that I would not ask him any more questions as it was killing him and me.  I asked him to leave our home.  He said he had nowhere to go.  I suggested friends.  I left to go stay with my brother and two days later he had moved out, unbeknownst to me to Pig Shit’s house.

So now imagine the story from Pig Shit’s perspective.  She gets a call from my husband telling her that he is leaving me because he wants to live with her.  She says she will check it out with her kids and get back to him.  Well, it would seem that they were all in agreement and off he went to live in Birmingham, all his clothes in black bin liners.  What did she tell her kids?  My husband has no idea what she told them!  When he arrives, she is standing at the door with her arms wide xmasopen.  Had all her Christmases come early?????  I have asked what she asked about his circumstances but apparently she didn’t ask ANYTHING!!!!  I find this incredulous, absolutely incredulous.  She has my husband now living in and working from her house, sharing her bed for continued shagging whilst her teenagers sleep in adjoining bedrooms.  WTF? How desperate is she for a man?

Within 10 days my husband was at the door of our home in a mess, begging to come home.  He was in such a mess that I feared he was having a nervous breakdown but I was not prepared to just let him return without getting to the bottom of why he was feeling as he was.   We had lots of meetings and some very gentle times together.  We met with his mother, he met with his step daughter.  We had phone calls and texts and e-mails.  He told me he was staying with a friend.  I believed him.  Why wouldn’t I?  I was hurting to see him in this way and I just thought he was having a terrible mid life crisis.  I agreed to his return 26 days after his departure.  He returned home on Wednesday 1st August 2012.  A shadow of the man I married.

Friday August 3rd, Pig Shit sent me a text informing me of their affair,  listing all the places that text messageshe had shagged my husband and apologising for all the lies that I had been told.  She hoped that we could both now find a more genuine man.  Yes really.  She really said this in her text.  Why did she choose to do this?  If this was such a love story for her, why didn’t she think that he would return to her?  What hateful motivation was behind her decision to do this? She followed this with a text the following morning stating that my husband was an animal because she had found out that he had made love to both of us in a 24 hour period.  Firstly, I have no idea how she would know if this were the case (my husband assures me he would not have told her when we had sex); secondly, my husband and I have always had lots of sex; was she so naïve as to believe he was not having sex with his wife? and thirdly, what is this 24 hour time frame?  Is this supposed to wreck me?  The timing of my husband’s shagging with another woman is the least of my concerns!!!!!

weddingShe has been married and divorced twice before.  Her first marriage was when she was 25.  However in less than five years she was married to her second husband who committed adultery less than six years into their marriage whilst she was having their second child!  She has been chasing men since this time (roughly 13 years!)Included in her portfolio of men is a boyfriend of two years who went off with one of her best friends.  So that’s two experiences of infidelity that she has had that I know about!  She had an affair with a married man who also lived in Birmingham for three years.  She gave him a key to her house and he was able to visit for his booty whenever he wanted!  What the hell did she tell her children??????  Apparently, she was upset that he did not leave his wife!  PLEEEEEEASE…   What is this woman’s problem?  She must know the pain of being betrayed yet she does it to other women.  Why?  My husband tells me that on one occasion, when he was struggling with himself he admitted to her that he still loved me.  You would think that she would stop what she was doing to sit down and talk this through.  But no, apparently she just said “How is that supposed to make me feel?”.  Nothing more, and just carried on.

I do not blame Pig Shit for my husband’s choice, just like I don’t blame me.  However, how can we as a society ever think about supporting the ideal of sexual fidelity if others are so easily available and will accept so little in return for sexual favours.  All marriages, all relationships will have their vulnerable times so is it possible, if we understand the mess of sexual infidelity, that we might act maturely and behave as friends of the marriage and monogamy concept rather than the destroyers.

Image Credits: Piggy And Character by Stuart Miles; Underwear by Suat Eman; Cups by Stuart Miles; Dirty Pig by Tina Phillips; Depressed Man by Master isolated images; New Year Gift Box With Bubbles by cuteimage; phone in hand adapted from Girl Sending Text Sms At Cell Phoneby David Castillo Dominici; Groom Places Wedding Ring To Bride by bigjom.  All coutesy of freedigitalphotos.net